Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'll Take Care Of You

For the most part, I don't mind playing the grown up. I don't mind taking care of the bills and being the one with good credit. Usually, I won't balk at making phone calls or getting groceries. I will spend my whole day off doing chores.

Lately, though, I want a break.

A step away.

For someone to take care of things for me.

Is that too much to ask for?

If I find myself with an extra couple hundred of dollars, I put that money on my debt. I don't splurge. I don't buy myself gifts. Not extravagant ones. Because I know what is needed and what is wanted.

And needs are important. Needs are what keep us sheltered, fed and clothed. But while I focus on the needs, other people don't. They will spend money freely when they have it, then panic at the end of the month as they scramble to get their rent together.

Today, I am frustrated.

I filled the gas tank on the truck. Because it had to be done.

Like HAD to be done. It was on empty.

In some ways, I am super grateful for being the one who gets shit done. For being the nurturer. Being the one who knows how to take care of things. It's good, right? To be able to divide my money. To pay my bills. My mortgage. Ensure the gas is filled. Pick up groceries for all the dinners I plan.

But man, it gets tedious.

Don't get me wrong. I am lucky that I have money to divide. That I have good credit. Equity, whatever that accounts for. But sometimes, I want to be the one to spend frivolously and not even worry about the consequences. Except, there are always consequences. It's a simple truth that will never go away. I will never forget it!

You see, I've worked really hard all my life. I've helped a lot of people. And I have always towed my own line. It's frustrating when people don't get that. I've been doing this for myself since I was 17 years old and I want to protect what I have created. The life I have built. And it's sad when the people who should get it, who should understand why it's so hard for me to share my life, just don't.

And that's it, isn't it?

When you are on your path and someone is with you, then you should drop those walls and share your life. That's my struggle. It's what I have a hard time with. And maybe that's why I feel as though I am doing this alone. I know what my problem is.

It's hard, you know. Being an adult. It's stressful. I don't recommend it.

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