Monday, January 21, 2013

Feel The Fear

And do it anyway?

I don't know. It seems too easy. Is it really that simple?

Hundred of thousands of people are going to be pretty ticked off it is.

Lately, some big life decisions have been staring me down. And I'm afraid. It's true. I am.

It's not so much the change. I know it's a normal sort of thing to fear change, but this time, I'm not. If I could snap my fingers and have it all done, I would. The fear is coming from how much work is facing me. Whether it's the right thing for me. If I've actually thought it through.

Ugh. And I'm such an over thinker.

The thing is...I know I want most of it. It's the whole kit and caboodle that's worrying me.

My mom recommended the book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. So, I've been reading it.

A lot of it makes sense.

There's this whole knowledge that once you put the ball and motion things will just work out.

Except, I've noticed, things don't just 'work out' for me. They are a struggle. Hard work is involved.

Then I start thinking. Am I simply lazy. Is it because I don't have the energy and money to make these changes happen. Is that why I am balking at it?

I'm not sure.

I tried talking about this the other night, but it lead to me being mocked about something different and put me in a bad mood. Now I'm spouting it off here.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the importance of taking the leap. I understand sometimes we must leap to get what we want. But is it supposed to be this hard?

I guess I'm just conflicted. The doubts are there, but they are actually fairly small. It's the fear it won't work out. Fear it will be a complete failure. And fear I will be doing the majority of the work on my own.

It's easy to stay in your own shell and not venture forth.

That's true.

But people keep telling me it isn't as rewarding.

Signing off,
Unsure In Vancouver

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Let Them Eat Cake

After yesterday's all too emotional post, I said I'd write about cake. Because cake makes me happy. It's one of my top favourite things. Zombies. Puppy dogs. Silly love songs. And cake.

Well, cake is probably number one, but I put it lower as to not seem so...chubby. People don't need to know that I think about cake nearly as much as I dream of randomly bumping into Woody Harrelson on the street and having him falling head over heels in love with me. I mean, a girl has to keep some of her cards hidden. Ahem.

Anyway, cake is one of those things in life people think are bad, but (and this is one of the biggest secrets) cake is actually good for you.

Wait, what'd I say?

Cake isn't bad! Let's celebrate.

Now, before the party gets out of control, let me clarify. Eating a whole cake to yourself in one sitting is most likely a bad. Not only will it lead to a massive sugar crash, but, if your metabolism is as sluggish as mine, you're going to be needing an extra cart to carry your butt around behind you. But a piece of cake? It's not going to hurt you. Unless you are diabetic, then there could be a good chance it might, and I apologize for this callous post.

There's a song by Sloan, a fantastic Canadian band, called "If It Feels Good Do It" There is a reason the saying exists. We like to do things that make us feel good. Whether it is dancing in our underwear, taking a nap, or eating a piece of cake, our endorphins kick in and smiling is just easier. I know people are stumped, I mean, endorphins are related to exercise...And excitement  And cake is so exciting, which is why I highly encourage eating it. Or whatever your eating cake equivalent is. It might be a chocolate bar. Or french fries.

For those who remember, I'm vegan. And I've found there's this common misconception that vegan cake is bad. People always say how dense and tasteless these egg-less, dairy-less confections are. Well, someone is doing it wrong. They don't have to be thick, heavy slabs of dry horribleness. No. In fact, almost all of my baking is delicious and moist. Ugh. I hate the word moist, but it is needed here and so I forced myself to write it.

At heart, I am a baker. I dream of opening my own bakery where I can sell my vegan creations and  change their terrible reputation. Not only have I mastered cupcakes, but I've got brownies, breads and pies on lock down. That's right. Lock down. I feel slightly gangster even saying that. The truth is, a lot of baking, like pies, tarts, and muffins are usually only a hop skip and a jump away from being vegan.

With all that said, lemon cake is my favourite. With strawberry filling.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Feeling Like A Joke

I've been meaning to do this sooner, but the intersnacks have been dodgy.

The interesting thing about blogging for me is that it works as a diary, helping me sort through the mountains of ridiculous crap floating around in my head. When I don't have the option, things sort of pile up and, no matter how much I stew over it, I can't just let things go. There's this weird part of writing things down that helps me release them. Sure, I could simply sit down with a pen and paper and get to scribbling, but...

No, wait. That's exactly what I did. And to be honest, it really didn't work. You see, I've been having a terrible time sleeping, which is most likely related to the state of mind I've worked myself into. Last night, for some inexplicable reason, I thought it a good idea to scrawl down the free fall of thoughts in my head. Of course, it was three in the morning and they didn't exactly come out orderly and pretty.

Actually, they came out like some haphazard list of possible blog topics, most of which I've already touched on in previous posts and others I'm not sure if I'm strong (or stubborn) enough to write about. The most common theme throughout them is feeling lonely, and health of body and mind. To me, if you have a healthy mind, your body will follow suit, mostly because you'll be motivated to get up and out and actually do something. It's been raining here, and getting up has been a chore.

Anyway, one of the points I jotted down, the first one, has been stuck in my craw for days. It's the source of a lot of heartache. And so, I'm writing about it. Here. In hopes of being able to let it go after. The thing is, I tried confronting it before, but it doesn't seem to matter how much I deep breathe or stretch my mind and body, it's there, needling away at me. I even tried talking about it, but what good is that when you feel stupid for even bringing it up.

Here's a shocking point, it's hard for me to talk about things. Surprise. It's easy to assume I'm a great talker, because I blog and vlog, but that's simply not the case. There are only two people who I feel comfortable telling anything to. I fear anyone else will take it the wrong way, maybe personally, and then offer up advice that won't help. The thing everyone needs to learn is - advice usually isn't what the person talking wants...or needs.

Back to the point, and the issue that's helped derail me from the path I was quite content to be travelling on. I'm a joke. Maybe not to you, or anyone else, but to myself, which is the person who counts the most. Today, and for the last little while, I feel like everything I do or say is a joke. And not when I'm actually being funny, but the serious stuff. My writing. The relationships I have. What I do for others. My love for knitting. Respect for animals. Everything just feels like one big joke and I'm the punchline. And not a very good one. The kind people chuckle at uncomfortably.

It doesn't seem to matter how much effort I put out or time or love or dedication, I feel pathetic. As though I am a sad little attempt at living. Where nothing I do or say matters enough to be taken note of. It's as though I'm simply playing a role, and not doing a very good job.

To be completely up front with you, it's a craptastic way to feel. And, in the battle between common sense and unreasonable feelings, rational thinking never wins.

I've tried putting a mask on and saying, I'm fine and going about my day, but the hitch is, I'm analyzing every piece of my life and losing grasp of what it is I cherished. The longer I harbour this passenger, the more I become the fool, and the feelings of displacement grow stronger. Other not-so-awesome thoughts pop into my head at unfair times. Like feeling invisible. Unwanted. A piece of furniture that always gets in the way, takes up too much room and isn't very pretty to look at. Then, the loneliness seeps in. A silent messenger who comes in the middle of the night when I'm laying next to someone.

Then I start wondering, why I'm not getting what I want?

I know it isn't fair, to want someone else to make me feel better. To distract me. To help me through the tangled knots of my mind. To reassure me that I'm not so bad. To love me even when it's hard to love myself. To forgive my bad mood. To understand where I'm coming from. To see me for who I am, not who I want to be or think I am. To demand attention. To want to be held, kissed and hugged, simply because I'm not happy with the reflection in the mirror.

It isn't fair of me to project my own demons onto someone else.  

The hardest part is, I've been here before, and  it's frustrating because I don't know how I got here again. This girl isn't me. I'm not supposed to be resentful or bitter. This uncertainty doesn't look good on me. I thought I managed to free myself of the constraints of my past, but it's there, sneaking up when it finds a chink in my armour and delivering blow after blow. Apparently, this baggage isn't going anywhere.

I'm a child again. A sad, dysfunctional child wanting the approval and affection of the people I love. Who feels disappointed in herself for letting others down. For letting herself down. The little, ugly, chubby, messy girl with the ratty hair and ill-fitting jeans. She is at the centre of who I am. And the little bitch is strong, and demanding.

I guess this has been going on since Christmas. Ever since, I've felt as thought things have changed. Inside me and all around me. And there's truth in change. We stop doing things for reasons. I'm trying hard to work through those, but the glue and staples don't seem to be holding.

Usually, I pull away. Distance myself. Put up walls. Hide out until the storm passes, or at least ravages and ruins everything in its wake. It seems as though no matter how hard I try not to, I revert back to the girl who doesn't want to get hurt and only ends up hurting myself. The thing is, I'm trying, to talk, to explain, to have some sort of connection that feels real, but I doubt whether it's working. Maybe I'm looking for feed back. A nod. Blink of an eye. Or perhaps just a simple clearing of the throat.

Everything I've wrote on this blog in the past is truth. I know that in my heart, even if it is stubborn and angry right now. Love is the way. You have to be beautiful inside to be beautiful out. Happiness comes from within. It's the little things in life. But the funny thing is, no matter how much you know to be true, all it takes is a shift in weather to fog up your glasses and change the way you see the world.

I'm hoping for another change in weather soon, so I can go back to seeing myself and the world for what it truly is.

And now, a quote:

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted this. That's it, I'm writing about cake tomorrow.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Top 12 Blogs Of 2012

Not other people's blogs, no. Why would I do that? It's just silliness to promote other people.

For those who can't hear, I am being sarcastic. As it goes, there are a lot of blogs I read that I absolutely adore and would love to recommend to you. But, it just so happens, this week's blog isn't about theirs. It's about mine. This last year, I wrote a plethora of blogs. As I went through my journey of finding out who I am and where I want to be, I pretty much detailed my evolution here. You poor people.

And now, for no other reason than to recap 2012, I give you the top 12 blogs I wrote.

Number 12:

I wrote a little blog post called All That Noise in the lush month of February. For some reason, it writing it was like a light bulb going off in my little brain. I began to see, all around me, the ways in which we are distracted. It allowed me to open up to some rather paranoid ideas about the government keeping us distracted in order to control us. While it sounds crazy written out like that, I believe there is some truth to it. And I've made a conscious effort to unplug and soak in the sounds of silence.

Number 11:

Sometimes, every once in awhile, people do guest posts on other people's blogs. I did one last year on Jane Alexander's blog. It was titled On Not Being The One. This small post really opened up a wound that was very raw to me. But sometimes writing or talking about our hurts can help heal them. That's what I hoped for. It's a hard day when you realize you aren't the person other people want you to be. And you have to let go because of it. This blog is important to me. Not because it is fancily written, but because it rings with a honest truth of a moment in time I hated experiencing.

Number 10:

Because I write, I feel words are important. Last March I wrote a little article that received a fair bit of hits, a few comments and was shared by a number of people. The title was Words Will Never Hurt Me which was actually kind of deceiving because it really does go on to detail how important and wounding words can be. I put this in the top twelve because growing up words did a lot of damage to me and I fear they still are doing damage to others.

Number 9:

My post titled Childlike Wonder would have been number one except I learned a lot of life-changing things last year. Why this one strikes a chord with me, even today all these months later, is because I love looking at the world with fresh eyes and being excited over it. It is a refreshing thing, to be able to look at your surroundings and loved ones each and every day with new interest and understanding. That's why I encourage us all to hang onto the wonder we possessed as children.

Number 8:

Last year, I took note of the universe on a grander scale. I've always loved the stars and moons and planets, but back in January, I looked up at the sky and my breath was stolen from me. I fell in love and have been looking up ever since. It is the enormity of the world we live in that brings me to my knees and I feel I have captured that in the post titled Ever-Expanding. It makes me feel small and insignificant and that is actually a good thing.

Number 7:

In a world where we are so driven by image and prettiness, I find it hard to exist sometimes. The pressure is immense to look good. But when you feel like crap. And treat your body like crap. It's hard to look like anything other than crap. Or at least that's how I feel. Back in July I was told I was 47% pretty. This sparked me to write a blog post called The Pretty Percentage and it touched on why I was perfectly fine with being 47% pretty and why prettiness simply doesn't matter.

Number 6:

This place is full of hurt. No, I am not talking about the living room or house I am sitting in. Actually, it's filled with love right now because I have this big dog sitting on my right and he's sleeping and lovely. What I meant is the world. The world hurts. It's cold and mean. Ruthless and violent. Except, that's just what we are shown. There are a lot of lovely things in it. I made it an effort to try to concentrate on those lovely things. In order to clear up a few things, I wrote a blog in December and thought it important to say it out loud. I Am Not Here To Hurt You.

Number 5:

For some strange reason, I wrote a few blogs on sexiness, indirectly. Well, one was straight up out there called Sexy, but it didn't make the cut. Not because it wasn't good, but because there was more important things to say. What did make the cut was a blog called For The Sake Of Sexy Times. Some people might be surprised this made it so far up the list. The reason is because, even though it is silly and funny and maybe a bit cute, it is important. Because we all need to learn how to love and accept ourselves and that's what I think the driving message behind this blog is. Besides, we all need a bit of comedic relief every now and again.

Number 4:

Once in awhile, I try to get all poetic and it comes out wrong. But by some sort of miracle  I think I hit the nail on the head in Where The Forest Meets The Sea. Not only does this post give you a glimpse at who I was as a little girl and who I am now, but it shows you what I want to be. The girl I am on my way to becoming  That's important to me. Mostly because I lost sight of her and was straying way far off my path. Now I have this post to come back to. I find it oddly beautiful. In a sighing way.

Number 3:

It's getting hard to narrow them down. I find myself rereading the posts. And I've put If Wishes Were Fishes at number three because, even though it is a huge gaping expose on who I am, that's just it. It's all about me. It's a detailed list of everything I wish for and was written at a moment when I truly felt lost. But after finishing it up, I felt clearer and lighter. That day, I struggled to write, so I sat down and just wrote "I Wish". Funny it turned out to me one of my favourite blogs of last year.

Number 2:

Last year, or maybe even the tail end of 2011, I realized that when you stand darkness all it takes is one person to hold a match and you can find your way. This is written out in more detail in April's post The Darkness. The darkness is of course representing depression, sadness, grief, and loneliness. I think everyone feels these things, but a lot of us are afraid to talk about it. This is another post where I get a bit more flowery and I really thought this was going to come in at number one, that's how much I learned from it. But no, it fell short at number two.

Number 1:

It was all about love, wasn't it? 2012. Learning about love. Opening myself up to it. Accepting it. Understanding it. Finally coming to terms with the fact that it is a necessity, no matter how much my cynical heart tried to argue. Growth and love, two very common themes out of all my posts last year. And, yes, I know I wrote a lot about it. Probably annoyed some people, but I think it is important. Besides, Love Is Good, which is exactly what the number one post is titled.

Well, there you have it. Now, I wonder what 2013 will bring in the ways of rambling and ridiculous posts by me. I guess there is only one way to find out. Jumping into it. Happy New Year, lovers, losers and long lost friends.