Saturday, April 25, 2009

Sometimes You Just Need To Acoustasize A Rap Song And Everything Is Okay.

I don't know about you, but I'm impressed.

El Walko Of Shameo

Scrappy Puss got a call this morning at like nine and he says it's his friend "Bolton". I say why is he calling this early and Scraps shrugs and is like "I don't know". Later on it is confirmed that the reason Bolton called is because he was doing the walk of shame from a girls house.

For those of you that don't know what the walk of shame is, it's when you have sex with a guy (because it usually is only applied to girls) and you have to walk out of their house the next morning. Sometimes their friends are there, sometimes there is cat calls, other times it just involves you stepping out into the bright sunlight and thinking "I have no idea where the fuck I am". You have to put on the clothes you were wearing the previous night, not wash your face, not brush your teeth and try to find a way home.
Here is some points I would like to make on the subject.
1. Can you really apply the term Walk Of Shame to a guy leaving a girls house? Is it really considered a walk of shame at all? Is it only a walk of shame if you DIDN'T get sex?
2. What type of guy did you have sex with with that makes you go out into the world and try to find your own way home?
3. Why would you not be walking proud? You just got laid!

I understand that this term is applied to girls because girls are always looking for a relationship and when they are leaving the house in the morning they are secretly thinking "will he ever call me again" and as they slink away they wonder "is he calling his friend right this minute?"

Here is the deal. Assume is isn't going to call you. Take the night for what it was, hold your head up high and strut your stuff outta there like you were the best piece of Ace he's ever had. Also he most likely called his friend the night before when he said he was going to grab some water from the kitchen, so they already know, and they have seen your profile on the Internet or pictures of you on Facebook already too so by the time you leave their house you've been ranked.
And last but certainly not least it's only the walk of shame if you feel shameful. If you don't it's the walk of life, and you should walk it proud.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My Emo Child

He storms from the room when he doesn't like what I tell him. Listens to his music way too loud. Brushes his bangs in his eyes. Slams doors. And hates his little brother.

Equal Rights For All

I get extremely agitated when people disagree with my views.

Errr...that doesn't make me sounded open minded.

Let me correct myself.

I get extremely agitated when people disagree with my views on equal rights.

Much better. Well, maybe not...but let me continue...

I feel if you are born into this world, via vagina or c-section, then you should be given the same rights as everyone else. If a man wants to marry another man and that man wants to marry him in return - Excellent! They should be able to make this mistake like all the rest of us heterosexual peoples.

Besides, it isn't hurting anyone. It's not infringing on anyone else's rights. And, to be frank, it really isn't any of our business. Saying it is unholy and going against God's plan is what I call utter tripe. Like any of us insignificant human beings have an iota of what God's plan is. It's narrow minded people spouting off bible jargon because they can't come up with their own reasons.

And, to make it clear, Jesus was all about the love. For everyone. You can't go picking and choosing who you are going to love and not judge.

Just be prepared to back your mouth up with some actual facts and not just watered down versus of the bible. If you say it emotionally hurts people, I say you need to grow up. It doesn't emotionally hurt anyone. But you know what does? Badgering, bullying and brutalizing people and forcing them to hide who they are from the people they love. Well, that's pretty damaging, don't you think?

Saying it isn't right is the same excuse racists use when they say blacks shouldn't marry whites. And it's wrong. Homosexuals are humans and as humans they are entitled one thing - equal rights. That means, a good job, a decent home, the right to vote, to have kids and to marry the person they are in love with.

Here is the thing, some of my gay friends have better relationships than half the straight people I know. And the only thing that should come into play when deciding whether someone should and shouldn't be married is love. Can gay people love? YES! Than let them wed!

I hate it when people go on and on about the sanctity of marriage.

Is it more sacred for two drunk people in Vegas to get married? Is it more sacred for parents to organize a marriage for two teenagers? Is it more sacred for to people who don't get long, fight constantly to get married, only to get divorced six months down the road? I didn't think so.

My advice, just let people be. And get over yourselves because, drum roll please, it isn't about you!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Snow Cake

So I put the movie Snow Cake on my ziplist.
And Jay asked what movie I got. So I told him.
Then he says, "Oh yeah I remember we were thinking about going to see that."
"No we didn't" I tell him with an unimpressed sneer.
"Yeah when it was in the theatre!" He insists.
"Um that wasn't me."
"Yes it was," he argues.
And then I tell him, "It came out before we dated."

That shut him up.


You Know What I'm Sick Of?


Enough is enough.

And somehow I know it's only just begun. Dang it.

You Know What's Nice?

The fact that it is getting light in the mornings.
The sun is coming up earlier and earlier and that's nice.
Before when it was pitch black I used to pretend that Christene and I were coming to work directly from the bar. It just made me feel a little more badass.
Now I just think...five thirty in the morning isn't THAT early, see the sun is out.
Birds are chirping, the sky is lightening and Pork Chop comes bumpin' down the road with T.I playing and my neighbors get pissed off.
If it's one thing that people get upset about it's when their sleep is compromised, and when the good guy doesn't get the girl.

Yesterday Christene called to say she was out front ready to pick me up and I was like "Yeah I'm coming out" but then I just sat back down on the couch. I was like what the hell are you doing?
I'm such an asshole.

I am a believer that my brain doesn't work until nine. Which means I'm at work for three hours before it kicks in. Is that scary?
It would be if I were a neurosurgeon, but I'm not. So I think it's okay.

And now a picture of Sean Connery, because he is a dapper dan:

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sent Here To Destroy Us

Over the weekend I watched 17 Again.

Has anyone noticed how pretty Zac Efron is?

I think he is a cyborg send from another planet to destroy us all. That's how pretty he is.

I like crappy movies and will pretty much watch anything, but I was laughing the whole way through this. I couldn't get past the fact that Zac Efron was acting like a dad.

The movie is worth watching for his Bullying speech and his Abstinance speech.

Oh, and for his washboard abs....

Is a twenty year old supposed to look that good?
I'll admit it's a little embarassing to say, but he is cute.

Crap I feel like a thirteen year old girl again.

And I'm soooo not thirteen. Old dirty woman, indeed.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Horse Whisperer

No I don't talk to horses.
But my voice is all horse and all I can do is whisper.
I sound like a cross between Tom Waits, Jennifer Tilly and a 13 year old boy going through puberty.
Yesterday when we were in the car driving home Leps told me that she likes my new voice because it's like she has a new friend.
It's kind of nice to have a raspy sexy voice and not having to smoke seventy packs of ciggarettes a day to get it.
What isn't nice?
Coughing, blowing my nose and thinking 'is that supposed to be that color'.
I'm thinking avout starting my own phone sex line. Call it Tit For Tat and people will get turned on by phlemgh heaven. Maybe not.
This morning when I tried to talk for the first time nothing came out.
For a moment I was like what if I could never talk again what would my last words have been.
I think it would have been..."Leave me alone"...really words to make history by.
So if you want to get some jolly's give me a call at 888-TalkBad.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Two AM Greeting

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my body and mind want to get up at 2 in the morning.

Without fail, the last three nights in a row, I have awoken at 2AM.

I contemplate getting out of bed and making good use of my time, but I don't. If I didn't have to work I would. I would get up and write or read or play Gears of War, but I have to work. So I lay in bed and lay in bed and lay in bed and hope that sleep will once again grace me with its presence.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Wedding Dress and Being A Bride

If you have ever been engaged or in the process of planning a wedding you know that there is always ex brides who feel the need to give you advice. For example they always say 'it's the hardest thing' and 'don't compromise what you want'. Here is the thing about wedding's and wedding planning. You can't go in with this attitude because isn't compromising what marriage is about so shouldn't you ensure you compromise when planning your wedding.
You have to decide what you want and go from there.
I'm actually excited about my wedding. I want it to be fun and I think I am ensuring that it will be so.
We have booked the place, the catering and I have ordered my dress and we have taken care of the wine courtesy or a very very generous friend.
I told Jay he is in charge of the alcohol and if the day shows up and he hasn't bought any then so be it because I don't drink anyways.
Here are some notes you should take from me...
We went to two places to rent for our wedding, the second one was the one we picked.
We went to one caterer and that's the one we went with because it had a kick ass vegetarian menu.
I tried on one dress. The dress I fell in love with on the Internet and that is the dress I ordered.
So far this is a fairly easy expedition...I know it will get harder but you know good.
I'm a no muss, no fuss kinda gal and why should I change that for one stinkin' wedding?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Shorty Got Low...Sort Of

Hey Flow Rida,
What's up?
Just wanted to let you know that it isn't feasible for all shawtys to get low. It just so happens that when you are a lady of a certain girth, and unreasonable inner ear balance, getting all low up on the floor just isn't going to happen. Thanks to you there is a whole song that requires us shawtys to get low and when we don't everyone knows because we're the only ones left standing.

Here it is... If I do attempt to get low there are a few things that may happen (are you willing to take responsibility for them?)

1. I may fall over, once I get down a certain way my balance is compromised and splaying spread eagle on the floor is a huge possibility.
2. I might not be able to get back up and may require assistance, either by bar table or sturdy man's leg.
3. I may either show crack (which in all likelihood is pretty much certain) or my pants will split, this is because when you bend over to get low it puts tension on the material and hightens the chances of the world seeing my full bum montrosities.

I would like to request you change the lyrics to your song to make them able for everyone to participate are some recommendations...

"Shawty had decent priced jeans, boots with fake fur
The whole club wasn't lookin at her.
She got dragged onto the flo, onto the flo
Next thing you know, Shawty attempted to get low low low"

It's just a suggestion.