Thursday, August 14, 2014

Thongs Are Wrong

Thongs make me feel dirty. Not feet thongs. Butt thongs. This needed to be clarified. Thongs for the feet, otherwise known as flip-flops, don't make me feel dirty. In fact, they make me feel very little at all.

Back to butt thongs, I've owned maybe three in my entire existence, one purchased by someone other than myself, and I've worn them less than the digits on my left hand. I usually pick them up because I think they will be better than full bum undies under a dress. You know how the lines are so annoying and the cut ins that make you look all frumpy and really mess with the hourglass figure you think you have. For the most part, I've always been wrong. Not about the hourglass, but about the g-strings. They never look better to me and, like I said, they make me feel dirty. More than naughty. A little tawdry.

Maybe because I don't wear them I'm not exactly clear on how they are supposed to look, or feel. As far as I can tell, they are uncomfortable. No matter how you cut it, the string of fabric in the back is supposed to go in your butt crack. At this point, I'm out. It's been an ongoing battle since I was a little girl to keep my underwear out of my ass. This might seem like a joke, but it isn't. The truth is, my ass eats everything. It isn't because I buy the wrong size of underwear either. Small, medium, large or even extra-large, they all get gobbled up by my ass. It's hungry. And there's no stopping it.

It once tried to eat the shower curtain. That's a story for another time, though.

So because I've gone my whole life picking wedgies and searching for the perfect boy short, these things called thongs are incomprehensible to me. I mean, they are actually supposed to go right on up there! And apparently I'm supposed to be okay with that.  Well, I'm not.  Whoever invented this must have had an obsession with flossing.

Maybe they are supposed to be sexy, I can't really say, I'm not a good judge on what is sexy and not. All I know is I don't look sexy in a thong, but then I'm not really the 'sexy' type. I can be awkwardly cute and sarcastically pretty. Cynically beautiful. Never sexy.

I guess the point of this blog is to tell you I bought a thong today and instantly regretted it. For some reason, thongs are something I keep coming back to, like a food I hate but continue to try on the off chance I might end up liking it. I don't like thongs, and after all these years, I don't think I ever really will. Give me boy shorts or give me death!

Not really. Death is a bit extreme.

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