Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Think I Just Lost My Balls

While riding the exercise bike, I frequently opt to peruse trash television shows. I was hoping for some shitty talk-show, but the only thing on was MuchLive. The musical guest was Justin Bieber. I love music, I do, but while watching him jump around the stage with his perfectly manicured hairstyle, all I could think was, "What the fuck? This isn't music."

First and foremost, I am perfectly aware that the Biebanator isn't targeted towards me. His goal isn't to appeal to sarcastic bitter-boats heading towards their twilight years. Besides, I prefer to have a guy who can actually grow hair on his balls. Therefore, I understand I might not 'get it' because I am 'too old'. That said, as I watched the program I found myself disturbed, and yet, couldn't change the channel. Here are my observations:

1. Why is it that Canada pumps this guy up? Why did he have to come out of Canada? And why can't cool Canadian bands be featured on MuchLive like Arcade Fire or Hey Rosetta!?

2. When he goes through puberty, his fans are going to be in a world of hurt. Not only will he get his first zit, but he won't be able to sing any of his music anymore.

3. What's with all the ridiculous nicknames? The fans of Sir Justin call themselves: The Belibers. (You know, like the believers but they incorporated his name--how fucking cute!) It's almost as bad as the Clay-Mates, and we all know what happened with that one, don't we. Why are people shocked when these guys turn out to be gay?

4. There was this part where he was singing 'One Less Lonely Girl'. Not only was every ounce of testosterone evaporated from the room, but I am pretty sure my vagina vomited in disgust. He pulled this chick up onto the stage, gave her flowers, sang to her. And she cried. SHE CRIED!!! What the heck is that about? I understand getting emotional when you meet someone whose music has influenced you through the years, pulled you through tough days and speaks to your soul. BUT JUSTIN BIEBER??? He's a fetus who's been on the scene for a day and a half. Jesus Christ!

5. Who writes his lyrics? His mother? His grandmother? The women from the view? The biggest pussy in the world? All I kept imagining was a group of vaginas sitting around a conference table trying to write the most cringe worthy lyrics in the world. Cringe worthy for me...anyone not disenchanted by love and under the age of twenty would swoon.

There will always be pop bands. And I can get behind some of them, but I sort of feel sorry for this kid. I mean, where is he going to go? What's he going to do in ten years? I think about all the boy bands that came along and where are they now? Lying face down in the ditch, having been tossed off the music industry super highway. I can only think of one boy band member who managed to make it out alive: Justin Timberlake. Maybe it's something in the name and Bieber will survive too.
Regardless, I have to go rail a chick and drink a beer because that hour special really axed my balls off.

On a side note, I did get a little emotional when I met Alice Cooper.


C-Stene said...

Judging by the look on Alice Cooper's face, you just farted and he just smelled it.

petrifiedtank said...

was that zombie alice cooper? ;p