Monday, March 10, 2014

$500 Dollar Jeans

Let me break down the 5 reasons why I will never buy a pair of jeans that cost $500 dollars or more.

1. Because it's stupid.

There are so many other things I could be spending that type of money on. For example, groceries, because I love me some eating and snacks and such. Paying off a bit of my debt. Buying someone a gift. How about this, putting that money towards helping out the under privileged. I mean, last time I checked there are still people starving in this world. Why not buy 100 homeless people a sandwich and skip the overpriced denim?

2. Because I'd be paranoid.

And nobody wants me paranoid. I'd be forever snarking at people to stay away from my jeans, not to touch me, and I'd end up wearing a diaper JUST IN CASE. I mean, I haven't defecated myself for a very, very, very long time, but I have an inkling the likelihood of it happening would increase a hundred fold if I was wearing a pair of jeans worth five hundred bones. The paranoia would become so intense people would avoid me at all costs. I'd basically be going to the bathroom every hour on the hour, no if, ands or butts.

3. Because of the increase in mug-ability.

Even if I ignore the soiling and stupidity factors of spending that much money on JEANS, I simply can't turn a blind eye to the fact it would make me a bigger target for thieves. Expensive pants increase the chances of being robbed. I mean, if I were wearing a pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans people walking down the street would think I could actually afford them and that I carry big bills in my wallet. This illusion would only ensure muggers gravitated towards me. They'd beat me up and steal my purse thinking they were hitting the payload only to find lint and a dusty piece of gum at the bottom of my secondhand bag.

4. Because of the anger.

Expensive things make me angry. Not in general. On a whole, expensive things don't turn me into The Hulk, but when I break or ruin expensive things I get all Hulk Smashy. Let me explain how life is for me. Yesterday we decided to go to the beach. It was a lovely day and we were going to have a lovely time at the lovely damn beach. Well, instead, I got dragged across gravel and down stairs by my dog, only to walk through brambles and have the Sidekick crunch a log down on my foot. This was, seriously, a twenty minute expedition to the freaking BEACH. Here's the proof:

I don't want to say I am accident prone, because then the word clumsy gets tossed around, but I am often getting holes in my clothes and scratches on my knees. See, I was wearing a dress yesterday. Imagine if I was wearing a $1200 pair of Dolce & Gabba jeans? It wouldn't have been pretty. The truth is, I hate it when I ruin a five dollar pair of jeans I bought secondhand at the thrift store, I can't imagine how I would feel if I got an ink stain or grassy knees or a hole in the crotch of a pair of pants worth more than my current wardrobe altogether.

The simple fact is, they are still made out of denim, not some magic material forged by wizards. Last time I checked, denim stains, regardless of how much money you pay for it. Honestly, spending that amount of money on a pair of jeans is basically tempting the fate of the Gods. You're putting a target on your back. All falling food will be attracted to the jeans you are still trying to pay off. For serious.

5. Because it's stupid.

Okay, fine, I already said it's stupid. But seriously, I just took a moment to Google "Expensive Jeans" and am seriously regreatting it. Did you know there are jeans out there that cost $1.3 million dollars? By a brand called Secret Circus, which is a terrible name. These are the first pair of million dollar jeans. And why are they so expensive, you ask? Because of the diamond embellishments on the ass. Hello?! Is this for real? What is wrong with this world that someone would spend over a million dollars on a pair of jeans?

Yeah, I could have helped end world hunger, but I bought these jeans instead.

Well, at least they have diamonds. There's a pair of jeans called Dussault Apparel Thrash Denim and they are hideous, torn up, and dirty looking. Basically, they are a beggar's pair of pants, a hobo belongs in these pants, or at least one of those squeegee kids down by Main Street Skytrain station. Except, and here's the kicker, they are worth $250,000! Wait, it gets even better! They are washed thirteen times in order to make them look more worn.

I have no words. Actually, I do, but they aren't appropriate to put forth into the world.

All I can be grateful for right now is that I have my head on straight and I will never, ever pay a quarter of a million dollars for a pair of jeans that look like this:

What. The. Eff.   


Author JM Kelley said...

I can't even fathom $500 jeans. I kind of get hives just thinking about having to dish out a whole $40 if I can't find any on sale when I need them.

courtney said...

hahaha, love that! I agree!