Horror TV

If you're looking for a horror program this October, one to make you cringe or, at the very least, say, "What the hell is going on?" I have a few suggestions for you.

Hannibal 

It's creepy. It's kooky. It's all together gross, really. The two main actors in this, Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen, really bring their characters to life. While, yes, it certainly is terrifying and suspenseful, it's also weird, like an art school student went to town on it. Maybe that's why it's so captivating. Even though you know what's going on, you still don't know what's going on.You may have red the books and seen the movies, but this show is guaranteed to draw you in, then you will be awaiting the next season the edge of your seat like the rest of us. Beautifully written, wonderfully acted, I promise you won't be disappointed.

And could someone please help Will Graham?

Bates Motel

Hey, I was skeptical and wasn't sure what to expect too. The thing about Bates Motel is, it probably shouldn't work. It takes place pre-Psycho, obviously, and features a very young Norman Bates. While I don't really liked it when remakes or sequels delve too deeply into the minds of the characters (think Rob Zombie's Halloween, which I loathed) Bates Motel is an exception. It develops the uncomfortable mother-son relationship we knew obviously existed before Norma died and Norman's psyche broke. Once again, the acting is phenomenal.

American Horror Story

Pretty much the only show that constantly has me saying 'What Da Fuq'. No matter what I think is happening, I really haven't a clue. There are too many twists and turns to keep track of, so I with a shocked expression on my face and ask things like, "What the hell is going on here?" And the opening credits of season two really freak me out. One of the most awesome facets of this program is the recurring cast members who play different roles each season. A brand new story line each year, sign me up. Keeps things interesting. Also, it has that Evan Peters in it, who is just a living doll, and the mother from Six Feed Under, who I always loved (another tv show you need to invest time in if you already haven't.)

I am currently watching Asylum, but will definitely be partaking in Coven next.

Hemlock Grove

This is a new addition to the television programming cue and I have to say, I haven't the foggiest idea of what is happening. A werewolf, a cyborg-ish girl with one big eye, dead bodies, immaculate conception, and a weird science lab brings together an ensemble cast of oddballs for what? No clue. But I am drawn in to keep watching. I only hope the end result with be worth it. So, fingers crossed someone doesn't wake up and the whole show was a dream. This is a Netflix special which means you can binge watch all the season in one fell swoop, much like The Killing (also, another fabulous show).

Now, do you have horror television you'd recommend to me? 

Freddy's Revenge

As it turns out, I hadn't actually watched Nightmare On Elm Street #2. The original is, obviously, a classic, but the follow up is a bit confounding. It's called Freddy's Revenge, but I'm not too sure where the revenge part comes into play. Like, I can't even be certain who Freddy is reaping revenge on. After all, not one character from the first movie actually appears in this follow-up.

Here's a brief rundown of the plot. New kid in town Jesse is living in Nancy's old house (five years after Johnny Depp died), sleeping in her old room, and soon is visited by her old pal Freddy. Except, in this one, Fred isn't only causing kids to have sleepless nights, he's trying to take over Jesse's body. Why? I'm not sure. And I can't really give you much more, since it isn't explained or developed very well. In fact, all I can surmise is the film was only created to ride on the coattails of the first Elm Street and cash in on the success of the leading man with knives for fingers.

It isn't all bad. There are some gory scenes, though a shockingly low body count, and some great one-liners. The issue is, it isn't clear what's going on. Furthermore, the lead character is so annoying all you want is to watch him die from the get-go. Sounds mean, doesn't it? But he's incredibly whiny! And can't seem to pull the trigger with his girlfriend. I get it, it's hard enough being the new guy in town without having Freddy Kruger's tongue make an appearance when you're kissing your girlfriend.

If there is one redeemable part of this locomotive that runs off the rails, it's the parents. They are delightfully old and think Jesse is on drugs (how cliched!). At one point, the father says, "Jesse doesn't need a psychiatrist, he needs a methadone clinic."

After I watched the movie, I took a look online to see if I missed something important (like the entire plot) and found myself knee deep in articles talking about the homoeroticness of the film, another thing I happened to miss. Apparently, people consider the movie to have a bisexual theme and that Jesse manifested Freddy in response to repressing his homosexuality. If that isn't a reason to come out of the closet, I don't know what is! All jokes aside, I think people dig too deeply into the 'meaning' of things. Sometimes there isn't anything beneath the surface. Personally, I don't think the movie intentionally had homosexual themes, even if that's how it seemed in the end.

Tons of laughs, for sure, but it's definitely one of the most confusing horror movies of the eighties.

Black Death

It has not been a rip roaring start to Horror Fest. Last year I created a most awesome schedule, something I decided not to do this year because I wanted the freedom of changing my mind. The issue with having freedom - it's harder to make a decision. Instead of knowing what I am going to watch, I'm left to my own devices, which means scrolling through Netflix, wasting time on IMDB, and flicking through all the movies I actually own until something strikes my fancy. Problem is, my fancy is unusually picky this year.

Last night's movie of choice? Black Death.

Sounds promising, no? Well, I thought so. Who doesn't want to watch a movie about whether the bubonic plague is God's punishment? The secondary plot is one where devout Christians (one a Monk!) journey to a seemingly immune town that is shrouded in tales of necromancy and dark forces. Apparently, they are going to capture the ringleader and take him back to the Bishop, or some such tale. I can't be certain because I kept getting distracted by Sean Bean and dreaming of his Eddard Stark days.

Oh, yeah, Eddard Stark is in this. And true to Sean Bean roles, he doesn't exactly meet a happy ending. You know who else is in this? Melisandre, the red woman, also from Game of the Thrones. Carice van Houten. And it seems as though she also is suffering from a bit of typecasting because she seriously frowns on God in this one. Not the old Gods, but 'the' God. The big guy in the sky. She also seems to have some of her priestess powers, since she's raising the dead and all. This might have been the woman the Eagles were singing about. (A joke about the song Witchy Woman)

So, Black Death did have a few things going for it. The plot wasn't necessarily a terrible one. There were some choice actors. Except, once they got to the town, the whole thing sort of fell apart. Sure, there are some excellent gore scenes, including a man being torn apart at the limbs, but for the most part it lacked reasoning. For a movie centring around faith, it actually tiptoed around the serious questions it could have explored, including the reasoning behind this town blindly following Melisandre. The reasoning behind it? Because she was there. Not a fulfilling answer, to say the least.

Should you watch this? Why not. It is entertaining to a degree, just don't expect to walk away understanding it. Neither the religious zealots or pagans have many redeeming qualities and the one character they do take the time to flesh out (the monk) is more two dimensional than three. And not to give anything away, but the big plot twist is - there is no plot twist.

The tagline on the poster made me laugh - Journey into hell. More like, journey into meh. This is not a horror movie, no matter what IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes says.

Rememories

Christmases never go over well with me and people are already posting how many days it is until the fat guy in the red suit tries to squeeze down my chimney. Sounds a bit disturbing, especially since I don't have a chimney at all. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea behind Christmas and the spirit of giving and I can even be entertained by the whole Jesus story. Except, the religious and loving aspects of Christmas seem to have taken a backseat. Now it's an time of excessive spending and the demands of spoiled children are brought to the forefront. It's supposed to bring out the good in everyone but each year I see more bad. 

I don't have kids. Not for lack of wanting them, simply because I haven't got to 'that' stage of my life quite yet. I am hoping to. When I think back on my own childhood, I remember Christmas being stressful. Now, Halloween, that was always the best part of the year. For a month, you celebrated. First, you bought decorations, then you worked on our costume, next you carved pumpkins, and all of it was prep for this one glorious night where you get to be something creepy or kooky and strangers give you candy. 

Talk about bliss. 

My most favourite Halloween costume was when I went as Elvira. I had boobs to my chin. Needless to say my grade five teacher wasn't stoked on the cleavage and no one knew who I was, but I strutted around, completely thrilled. That must say something about the child I was. My mother always made the costumes for us. There might have been some purchased accessories along the way, but I distinctly remember her toiling away at her sewing machine. I wish I inherited the seamstress in her.

My sewing machine is sitting in the spare bedroom. One day, I plan to figure her out. I took sewing in high school. It was part of the home economics course, where you took drafting, woodwork, sewing and cooking. To this day, I distinctly remember making an apron and baking apple pie, but I can't for the life of me drudge up anything I learned in woodwork or drafting, although I am ninety percent sure woodworking involved a clock or pencil holder of sorts. 

Grade eight was a long time ago. 

This year, I don't have a costume sorted out. Last, there was a circus theme at work, so I went as Pierrot. Here is Dixon with my hat on - can you handle the adorable? 

Horror Fest - The Third Anniversary

What do I love more than knitting, tea drinking and baking? Horror Fest. For the last two years, I've watched a horror movie a night for the entire month of October. The first year, I did the A-Z Blogging Challenge, and last year I wrote reviews of all the movies I watched, which I thoroughly enjoyed, probably because I find myself very entertaining. 

This year, I've decided to combine the first two Horror Fests and blog about anything Halloweenie that pops into my head, whether it be the movies I watch, memories I've had, or how amazing the air smells now that Fall unpack its bags and sent the warmer weather running. 

Last night, I watched Teaching Mrs. Tingle, a first for me. It was one of those nineties horror/thriller movies I never got around to seeing. One of the remarkable things about this movie was the ridiculousness of the characters, much like my observation about Disturbing Behaviour last year. What we have hear are the cookie cutter characters so overwhelmed with cliches we can't possibly consider them to be real. The straight A student who happens to be poor with a waitress for a mother AND an absentee father. A slightly trampy drama-rat best friend who does the brave bidding. Enter the bad boy with the army jacket, long hair, and chiselled cheekbones. Then there is the sassy black teacher (Vivica A Fox) who is every students best friend and the antagonist who happens to be a jerk for no apparent reason.  

Sure, it's terrible, but we love it! Not only because there are choker necklaces, over the shoulder sweaters, and plaid skirts, but because there is a younger Helen Mirren! And Molly Ringwald makes a cameo as the school secretary/substitute and looks exactly like she did in Pretty In Pink without the atrocious clothes. The bad boy Luke is played by a guy named Barry Watson, who I actually thought was either Skeet Ulrich or Timothy Olyphant, but apparently was neither. I wish I owned Mrs. Tingle's house. The soundtrack is amazing. But in the end, the plot is so full of holes it might as well be a piece of Swiss cheese. I've been thinking of that line for months and only now have been able to use it. 

At first, I thought this was a based on a book by Lois Duncan. As it turns out, I was thinking of Killing Mr. Griffin. Anyhow, a fantastic start to Horror Fest! Stay tuned as I delve into October and find happiness through gore and terror.