Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Way I Am

This song hits me in the gut.

I know that sounds weird. It's such a lovely song, really. The thing is, it's not so much the song that packs the punch, or even the words. It's a memory behind it. About a year ago, I sent this to a friend. No matter how much I try to pretend, there was motivation behind it. Mostly because I loved him (and still do). Also because it was a rough time in my life and I needed someone to play with me, distract me and remind me that I wasn't as awful as I felt. He was, without a doubt, there for me. He always had the best answers to my questions. And he possessed a unique way of petting my fears down and making the road seem less alone.

At times, it's hard to think about the past, especially key moments.

Emotions aren't a bad thing - no matter if I was raised to believe they are. I know in my heart they are what separates me from the cyborgs. Sometimes, I get lost. Lonely. Sad. And, though it doesn't happen often, I do cry. A few tears shed here and there are a reminder that I've had hurdles to leap over and, once or twice, I missed and didn't exactly clear them. But, in those moments, I picked myself up. Maybe not right away, but I did manage to get back onto my feet and dust myself off. I'd be lying if I said I did it alone. My friend helped me.

It was nice feeling someone understood me and took me for who I am. Back then, it was what I needed and wanted. Except, there is a problem with someone loving you for you. In order for this to happen, you must show them all of yourself. And sometimes that backfires, which can cause sorrow. I've always had trouble letting people in and when I do I often panic and pull away. It's because I feel vulnerable. Exposed. Truthfully, these things make me feel weak. Something I don't like to feel.

Simply put, it's hard when someone you thought 'got' you fails to understand and leaves you behind. Talk about the ultimate rejection. But then, it's harder still when someone you thought you 'got' turns out to be someone different. The fact is, we all evolve and change and shift over time, with or without other people trying to influence it. Change isn't a bad thing, but it can make people seem further away than they actually are. It's difficult for others to keep up. To change with you. And sometimes it's impossible to see the person you used to be. Sometimes all we want to do is forget the person we used to be. But we can't. Because it's who we were, and, no matter how much we change, a key component of who we are.

Sometimes we try so hard to be the person our loved ones want us to be and we hide away little parts of ourselves. Key parts of ourselves. Or we try desperately to become the person we want to be, before we're ready. We want to forget, let go, move on and we want to take everyone we ever loved with us. No one shall be left behind. Except, that's not how it works. People come and go from our lives.

In so many ways, I am the same girl who sent him that song. Except, I'm not so broken, lost or unhappy. As for him, he's the same person too, even though he's changed as well. There was a time when our paths felt so close, but there's been a fork in the road. He's gone one way. And I another. But for me, he's still with me. Because of what he showed me, what he gave me, he will always be inside me. And, even though he might not recognize it, I will always be inside of him.

The funny thing about paths? We don't really know where ours will end up. It might be here, or there, or on the other side of the world. Who knows how long I will exist for? And who I will fall in and out of touch with? All I know is, if our fork draws back together, I hope he will take me the way I am, and I will take him the way he his. For the sake of friendship and love.

And as for emotions. They aren't as wrong as they feel. I'm only human. So, why fight them?

1 comment:

A. K. Fotinos-Hoyer said...

I've passed along the Liebster Blog Award to you :)