Friday, November 7, 2014

7 People Who Need To Stop Facebooking

Let me start off by saying, this post isn't about you. It is never about YOU specifically. Sure, what I think and feel is often reflected here, but my inspiration comes from many different places. Ideas often spark from conversations I have or reading comments and articles I've seen out in the wild. Why am I saying this? To let you know this specific blog isn't about you. 

That said, most of us have Facebooks and all of us know what it is like to want to hide someone from their feed. With the help of some friends, I've come up with 7 people who need to stop Facebooking. After all, the Facebook is a privileged, not a right. 

1. The Constant Oversharer

So, you have a lot going on in your life and you want to vent, that's okay. It happens to us all. And our Facebooks are filled to the brim with friends and family members eager to write words of encouragement to us. The first time, that is. There's a very specific algorithm to sharing on the internet. You can vent one to two times a month, anything more is considered excessive and, though this pains me to say, selfish. If you are posting every day about how hard your life is, then you're probably not taking into consideration other people around you have issues too. 

Let's say you're sticking to your two vents a month maximum, there are still certain things no one wants you to post about, like how much of a dirt bag your boyfriend is - especially when you stay with him - and the pooping habits of your children - or even worse, yourself. 

If you make over-sharing your go to status update, then it's probably time to step away from Facebook and pick up a phone. Call a friend. Write a letter to your mother. Text your sister. Or make a therapist appointment. 

2. The Extreme Right Winger (or Left Winger)

Once upon a time, it was known you could talk about anything but politics and religion. Unfortunately, with the upswing of Facebook, there are those who don't feel the need to adhere to these rules, which is fine. A little discussion about politics and religion can't hurt, right? Theoretically, except when you are talking to an extremist, then rational discussion is just tossed out the window, right after respect. Having an opinion and being passionate aren't a bad thing, but name calling, harassing and mocking are. If you don't give a crap about the opinions of the people on your friends list and can't tamp down your irrational anger long enough to see there are always two sides to pretty much any story, then it might be time to deactivate your Facebook account and head back to school to learn the fundamentals of maintaining a conversation. 

3. The Ambiguous Poster 

Oh, we've all been there, scrolling through our news feed, minding our own business, pretending we didn't just eat a third cookie, when we see it. An ambiguous post filled with hurt and rage and accusations, except there's no indication as to who it's for. It's late at night, we're tired from the work week and, for a moment, we think ... is this about me? I mean, I don't think I've done anything wrong, but ... I did make a sarcastic comment on their post about homemade applesauce ... so ... And you're stumped. 

Or, even worse, you're curled up in bed, waiting for your lives to replenish on Candy Crush, when you see it, a status update riddled with undying love. Someone in your feed is crushing so hard on a person who will never even know how special they think they are because they are taken. This could also be about you. Feeling brave, you post a reply, something equally ambiguous, but you hope uplifting as well. 

And then there are those people who have something amazing, horrifying, wonderful, crazy happen to them! But they don't tell you what. Great! Awesome! Thanks!

Another term for this is Attention Whoring. If you are posting ambiguous updates, possibly driving your friends (and family) batty, then it might be time to step away from social media and stop mind-fucking everyone on your list. Bonus, you'll stop getting messages from people asking if you are okay, or if they did something to upset you.

4. The Deactivators

These people can be a bit of a conundrum. They tell you they are going to deactivate their account. They are tired of the grind. Of posting and not getting responses. The sad updates and shares. So they are bowing out. Sometimes they actually do deactivate for a little while and then, they come back. They always come back. After the great 'I'm out of here' status update, they come crawling back, and then delete the post where they said they were leaving. 

If you are about to make an update about how you are leaving Facebook forever and you will never be back, don't do it. Just leave. And I'll see you when you come back. A day, week, or month later.  

5. The False Positives

No, not pregnancy. To be honest, I am most confounded by the False Positives. I mean, on one hand, they are super positive, posting motivational quotes and sharing memes about letting go and loving everyone you come across. On the other, any original thoughts they have are riddled with negativity and somehow they always manage to squeak in a terrible memory from their childhood, or the fact that they are super broke and going through a tough time. It's like having your very own personal Two-Face on your Facebook. Sometimes it gets to the point where you end up rolling your eyes at the positive things they post because their status updates are always so miserable. 

If you are causing people to have emotional whiplash whenever they go to your page, it might be time to quit the Facebook before your psyche splits completely and you are diagnosed with multiple personality disorders.  

6. The Pointless Updaters

Facebook is not a diary and it shouldn't be used at such, but there are still those who use it as such. You know who they are. The 'I post everything and anything that comes into my head' people. Updates about what they made for dinner, comments about the weather, random facts no one needs to know. But it isn't just the pointlessness of the posts, it's the frequency of them. These people post every single hour of every single day. Don't they have jobs? Lives? Do they ever go outside? It's gotten to the point that if they stopped posting, you'd panic because there would obviously be something extremely wrong. 

If you're about to share a post about how bored you are, the colour of your wallpaper, or how much dusting you have to do, stop where you are! Instead, delete your Facebook and go find an adventure to get lost in. Then you might just have something worth of updating when you reactive your account. 

7. The Um-What-Nows

A special brand of person, the Um-What-Nows should have never been allowed on Facebook. In fact, they actually needed help to set up their account, which is a clear indicator they don't belong. Some of the baffling behaviours the Um-What-Nows possess are: 
  • Posting incoherent status updates and comments on your posts - things you imagine are sentences but are so backwards and riddled with spelling errors you have no idea what they mean
  • Asking for help with how to use Facebook - like what a share is
  • Using the Facebook status as a search engine
  • Formulating opinions about things they can't possibly understand or know anything about
  • Sharing sexist, racist or homophobic memes they don't understand
  • Using netspeak when they don't know what it means
If you are one of those individuals who feels incredibly lost on Facebook or want to ask 'am I doing this right', then you need to walk away. Because you aren't doing it right. 

Well, I think that pretty much covers it, or does it? Who are some of the people that you think should have their Facebook privileges taken away? 


Anonymous said...

I hate the "share this or else" posts. Like if you think pet abuse is wrong, share this picture of a sad puppy. Or share if you love Jesus, keep scrolling if you don't. You can't make me share these in MY status, you bullies!

Tee said...

@Anonymous - Yeah, I don't get down with those either. Someone also mentioned the overly romantics. We get it, you're in love!