Monday, May 14, 2012

Nipple Flashing & The Trickery Of Nice Weather

Once upon a time, this last weekend, I accidentally flashed my friend a nipple.

Just one. Well, not one friend. Two friends. Maybe three. Kidding. Kidding. One nipple.

There was this whole hammock debacle that lead to a little bit of excitement which had me jumping up and down and ended in my boob falling out of my bathing suit. And it didn't even fall out the proper way. Yes, there is a proper way for boob spillage, over the top. My rebellious breast fell out the bottom. And, I fear, it really wasn't all that attractive. Actually, I'd go so far to say it probably was the worst my right boob has ever looked in this lifetime.

And, I'd like to stress. It wasn't my fault.

I swear.

The bathing suit was too big. Around the back. Too small in the booble region, though. Funny how that works.

Of course, I give my friend credit. He did tell me it was blowing in the wind. So to speak. He didn't have to. I could have been tramping around for hours like that. Exposed. On display. Completely oblivious to my fashion faux pas.

The thing is, due to proper summer etiquette and friend rule #23, I had to flash his girlfriend afterward. Just to even the playing field. To reassure her I wasn't trying to come onto her mate. It's a give and take world, people. Ensure if you give, you give to everyone. Wait a second...that sounds a bit... risqué.


Straight up, I'll tell you. I prefer the season of Autumn to spring and summer mostly because you can remain fully clothed, neck to toes, and there really isn't the fear of accidental flashings. But with the warm weather comes the increased likelihood of wardrobe malfunctions. And devastatingly embarrassing ones too.

See guys, they don't have this problem. They don't fear a boob coming out of a bathing suit top or a labia sneaking out of a bottom. Okay, okay, maybe that last one doesn't happen all that often. For the most part, nothing really hangs. But have you seen the insufficient amount of fabric intended to cover all our lady bits? I mean, I've seen more material on  the outfits the strippers wear at Mugs & Jugs (Yes, that is a strip joint. No, I am not making it up.)

So, ladies be vigilant. Don't make the mistake I have and assume your bathing suit from last year (or five years ago) is going to cut it. Try it on. Do the bounce check. Five jumping jacks and a push up. Before heading to the beach or your friends backyard for some suntanning.

Needless to say, this weekend, I will be heading out to find myself a bathing suit. One that fits and won't further my Little Miss Indecent Exposure reputation. I'm telling you, if my friends gather together to form an intervention about my exhibitionism, I'm going to cry.

All jokes aside, I'm glad this happened with Nick and Rae-Anne. While other people might have harassed me about burning my nipple and hitting on them, these two completely ignored it and didn't rub it in at all. Yeah. Right. I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

In conclusion, remember, with the nice weather comes less clothing and, while this may be great for the guys, the girls have so much more to tend to. And while we are tending to the crops, weeding and such, let's not forget to ensure the uniforms fit and are in working order.

But, as a side note, I am loving the sunshine and warmth.


Rob Zimmermann said...

I'm glad I now know the story behind that tweet the other day.

Also, as a guy I have to say I have problems with swimwear as well. It's not as severe but it's there :P

I have a hard time finding the right sized shorts for me. My waist is on the smaller side of things and finding anything below a 32 is a hassle. I have two different pairs of 31s and if I have anything in the pockets, my crack shows at least, sometimes a bit of the front stuff too.

So in conclusion...swimwear "sucks" for all (depending on who's watching) lol.

Hope you find a new one that works perfectly :)

Exmoorjane said...

You're kidding, right? Men have nothing that hangs? *puzzled look* I dunno where you hang out (so to speak) but I've seen man spillage on the beach.
And, er...jumping jacks? In a swimsuit? Ouch. :(

Tyson said...
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