I know you like to test me. You've been doing it for some time now.
Through my childhood you tested me with feelings of being alone and invisible. I came through though. I learned to love the company of myself. Rather ironically, I now prefer to be on my own, free from the constraints of difficult relationships and obligations to be a caring, gentle soul.
In those later years you tested me by showing me how things don't work out at times. That sometimes people disappoint you. And that no matter what, I couldn't protect everyone. I couldn't help everyone. Though it was a hard lesson to learn, I realized I'm not in control of what everyone else did. Only myself. I was better for that lesson. And I might even thank you for it.
Through my preteens you tested me with being awkward and weird. In return, I embraced it. In the end, I learned to use it to my advantage. And now it kind of comes off as endearing and quirky. Sure, I might be that weird girl who does those odd things. I'm happy being that girl. This beat I drum, it's my own and I find it easy to step to.
Through my adolescents, you tested me with extra weight and a homely face. But I learned being ugly wasn't so bad, not if you had brains and a sense of humour. To this day, I rely on the brains and the sense of humour. Being unattractive gave me the ability to develop a personality, one I wouldn't change for the world. Not even to be the most beautiful girl in school.
In my early twenties you walloped me over the head by testing me with heartbreak and love. At the time I didn't think I'd pass this test. I didn't think I had it in me. Fortunately, I found the strength to do the right thing. The thing I needed to do. When I didn't think I'd go on, I did.
I sort of thought we were past the testing, but it seems as though we are in the middle of some more.
This has to be a test, right?
I'm thinking you must be setting me up to learn something. I have the same miserable, sinking, claustrophobic, breaking feeling I had before, during all those other tests. The problem is I don't know what it is I am supposed to be learning, or what it is I am supposed to do to pass this test.
For the most part, as I have learned through experience, your tests have a certain 'grin and bear it' quality. Is that all I am supposed to do? I've been trying to keep my chin up. I know I fail at times. I know I stubbornly kick at the rocks and hang my head. But I'm sticking to it, you see.
If you could give me a hint as to what I need to do to get over this hard time, I'd really appreciate it. That might be asking too much. I know you aren't known for giving hints, Life, but if you could, just this once. It's getting hard, and I don't want to burden anyone with the contents of my heart or head.
Or maybe that's it? Am I supposed to open up? Is that my test?
If it isn't asking too much, could you let me know if there is light on the horizon? And, if you have the time, can you deliver a pinch of good news? A nice email? A hug? A kiss? A gift? Could you just give me something to let me know it's not all bad? That it won't all be bleak forever? That it will get easier? That things will work out?
To be honest, I wanted to let you know I've been tested enough. Except, that's not fair. I'm young. And spoiled. And plenty of people have it worse than me. I know this. I do.
So, maybe I am writing just to say, let up a bit? Give me a reprieve for a week. I'll make it up to you. I won't squander it. Silence the beasts, calm the raging rivers, and clear the skies. For me.
I appreciate the time you took to read this, Life. And I hope you consider helping me.