Friday, August 21, 2009

Don't Touch That Button

Rebs has this button in her car. It is big, round and red.
The first time she ever gave me a ride I asked, "Is that the ejection button?"
Perhaps it wasn't a reasonable question, perhaps the look of utter horror she gave me was warranted, but you know what? It looks like an ejection button. It looks like a very important button that could explode the car, or send the passenger out through the roof. And it's not just my overactive imagination, no, take a look for yourself.
I stand by my statement, if you press this button the passenger and driver will be ejected from the car:

Monday, August 17, 2009

Viva Las Leppy

Leppy went to Vegas and left me at home.
I thought we did everything together, I guess I was wrong.
Things aren't the same without the Leps around. Things aren't as funny.
Today at lunch I made a perverted picture out of my meal...
I took a picture and sent it to her.
She replied that I will really like Vegas because there are so many soliders. I do like the dark meat.

Random Thought #3432

Leppy brought me a heating pad to work because my back is so effed up.
The heat helps.
Today I found myself wondering how much trouble I would get in if I accidentally left it on and went home. What would they do if it caught on fire and burned the building down?
Would I be fired? It wouldn't be intentional.
This is what I think about when I am at work.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Shits and Giggles

It seems these days I do everything with Leppy. We go to the doctors together, get in accidents together and take trips to Physio together.
The other day we went to a dollar store together. It was good times. I saw a ton of crap that I would never pay a dollar for, with one exception. The little titty jars I found.
I am at a loss as to what they were for. they were small, white with little lids that looks like nipples. There wasn't much you could put into them. Where would you keep them in your house? They seemed useless...
Maybe that was why they were at the dollar store in the first place. Maybe the manufacturers were like, "Why the fuck did we make these? These can't be used for shit." And so they shipped them off to dollar stores the world over.
They had no use. But I did take a semi-naughty photo with them:

see they really do look like tits.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feck Off Technology

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier.
Today it is not making my life is making it harder, it is making me angry. And you don't want to see me when I am angry.
*gets real mad, changes into the Hulk and smashes the city apart.*
Not only is the site where I uploaded my book effed up but our Outlook at work is fecked up as well. I can't do my job it I can't send emails.
This should be priority number one!
Actually priority number one should be making me happy, and priority number two should be not inconviencing me with failing technology. Come on people!
This isn't the age of the Commodore 64! This is the age of wireless internet and youporn websites...
*pissed off*
I am strongly considering shit kicking my computer and tossing it out the window.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

With A Rack Like That

I love Leppy.
She entertains me. She chauffers me around. She takes care of me.
Like for example she brought me a heating pad to heat my back today.
But the best part of Leps is that she always likes to give compliments.
Like this morning for example. I was showing her my new jeans and was complaining and saying, "I don't know, they sort of look funny in the crotch region."

And Leppy replies, "Who's looking at your crotch when you have a rack like that!"

Je absolutly aime Leppy!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

For A Laugh

I'm here all week, be sure to tip your waitress...ecspecially if it's Leppy!!! If it's Leppy you best be giving her mad coin.


When every thing is not right, I fight
Pray for sight & work to abolish my plight.

When everything is clean, I'm mean
And am the queen, of causing a scene

When things are okay, I stay
But stay away, tomorrow and today

When I feel small, like a porcelain doll
Into a ball I crawl, and wish I could bawl

When I am afraid, that everything will concave
I try to be brave, but long to be saved.

When I am mad, and think of what I had
I feel bad, about feeling so sad

When life is my friend, I think it'll be okay in the end
That things will mend, our rules we'll bend

When things feel nice, I try to entice
And make it percise, with a roll of the dice.

When day turns to night, I have the foresight
To give up the fight, and turn off the light.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Love is not without fault.
It changes over time. Sometimes it fades, sometimes it grows and sometimes it is extinguished, like a flame being blown out on a candle.
People are looking for their one true love. The one true thing that simply doesn't exist. The one true thing that is pure fantasy fiction.
But alas eventually love turns into something else...sometimes admiration, sometimes simply lust, sometimes annoyance and even hate.
Does loving someone forever and ever really exist?
Through thick and thin?
*shakes head gloomily* I don't know.
There are things I simply wouldn't stand for, no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much they were suited to me. Like cheating on me, or hitting me, or murdering a small kitten just for the hell of it.
Love is not what is depicted in novels or films or songs.
Love is flawed. Love is beautiful. Love is resentful and bitter. Love is annoying.
Love is waking up next to someone for twenty years and still wanting to wake up next to that person.

Love is poison.

This is what reading love letters does to me or listening to Nick Cave's Love Letter song.

Have you met my friend Denis?

I love Denis Leary!
If you don't you're just a joker who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Can't embedd this shit so you have to go to the site...

I am an asshole.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

And why the fuck aren't I snoring?

I hate four-thirty in the morning, getting up at that time that is...although it's been a long time since I have stayed up till four-thirty. There was this random stint back in in December of 08 when I first got Xbox live that I would stay up till two or three in the morning playing it. Those were the good old days....but of course only on weekends because this bitch has gotta work.

The day of me staying up late are long gone. What does that say? It means I'm getting old. It's almost as though I count down the hours until when I am able to sleep. I look at the clock, and think, "I will be sleeping in less than *insert number here* hours." Baring any unforseen instances.

I am glad to see it is raining. I missed the rain. It's reassuring. I find it comforting. Right now it's hitting the window pane and taunting me that I have to go out in it....

This old lady needs to get published so she doesn't have to work.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Don't Mess With PorkChop!

I have only been in two accidents in my whole life. Both of them with Leppy and both of them in Porkchop. This morning we were rear ended something fierce, (not in the sick way), and this is what happened.
My first instinct was to ensure the Leps was okay, i turned to her and asked, "Are you okay?" about three times before she answered. Then I looked in the rear view and saw the front end of the smashed up vehicle that was behind us.... upon seeing the damage I promptly called 911.
Then we exited the car. Not yet six in the morning the gentleman who was in the now demolished Sunfire was swearing, shaking his head and beating up his car. Oh you heard me right, he was kicking and hitting his car. What an odd reaction! He did not ask us if we were okay (two such fine ass ladies as ourselves, i am shocked), nor did he venture forth to see the damage he did. What he did do? Well he had a smoke, a nice delicious cancer stick, whilst cursing under his breath. Not only that but he was wearing a delightful hoody that had FLAMES on the sleeves.

If you know me, you know that I have this way of coping with messed up situations. I make jokes. Usually inappropriate jokes that are completely ridiculous. Like when the firemen showed up I said, "Finally what we were waiting for". When the girl fire woman was standing off the side I said, "Guess which one does not belong", when the cars were driving by staring at us I said, "Get down on the ground and I'll sob over you.' Delightful comments that were only appreciated by Leppy.

But the best parts were: the driver of the other car didn't have his driver license with him, the tow truck driver said he was hiding from us because we cause accidents, and after we talked to the cutest policeman in the world J A Jenkins (what does the J A stand for? Just adorable?) Christene says to him, "Thanks for coming out and seeing us."
Yes she did.
Then we went to the doctors, got some pills, made a claim, had some hash browns and booked us some physio. Porkchop is a beast though, there was damage but she refused to be beaten...and she took a piece of the other cars headlight as a souvenir.
What a day, and it's only eleven.

The headlight piece still in PorkChop.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Depressing Songs Make The World Go Round

I love sad music. It makes me happy.
The more depressing the better.
Now the for the shit show...I typed in saddest songs into Google, and it spat out a Rascal Flatts song. How can a song be sad when a bunch of douchebags are singing it?
I wanted to claw my eardrums out then eat them. I hate these little preppy looking pricks.
The saddest music comes from some great artists...for example.
Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Mark Lanegan, Leonard Cohen and Elliot Smith. What do these men have in common?
They are fantastic lyricists. They can paint a picture and make you wish you were dead.
One of the saddest songs ever written? That would be Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings Poncho And Lefty.
Runners up?
Straight Time-Bruce Springsteen
Love Letter - Nick Cave
Hold On- Tom Waits
A Fond Farewell - Elliot Smith
I love the smell of misery in the morning.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Varsity Dessert

I was watching Varsity Blues the other day, because it was three dollars and I wanted to take a trip down Nostalgia Lane. And it is funny. And moderately entertaining.
Fuck Off I don't have to explain myself to you.
Anyways there is that part where a young Ali Larter puts on a whipped cream bikini and comes wandering out into the living room to surprise The Dawson.
I have a problem with this. First and foremost, this movie took place in a hot place...let's say Texas, they had accents so it had to be around there. That means the whipped cream wouldn't have faired well.
Second it would have been a sticky mess and would have dripped all over the place, whipped cream is not thick enough to do this with. Cool Whip would have worked better.
Third, what kind of bitch has the confidence to do this? Not me, that's for sure. I would've felt like a foooooool.
Last she put cherries on the nipples....yeah right those would have stayed put. NO WAY.
I call a bluff on this scene.