The Struggle

Most people understand the struggle. They don't like it or want it, but it's a reality for them. The struggle is a day-to-day thing. It doesn't let up on weekends, and actually gets worse over holidays. Sometimes you start to think you are going to get past the struggle, but then your dog eats your running shoes, or you can't sell you home. Instead of getting better, the struggle gets worse. Remember that saying, 'you take one step forward and two steps back'?  This is how it feels with the struggle. Sometimes it isn't only a step back, either, sometimes you feel as though you are being catapulted backwards. And you could swear the kink in your neck is not actually from sleeping funny or getting older, but is in fact whiplash from the struggle.

Some days, the struggle is so defeating. You scrounge and scrap and save, hoping to get out of debt, working towards your goal, whatever it may be. Debt free, a functioning car, a home, or maybe just a new pair of running shoes. Still, at the end of the day, week, month, year, you are no closer to the goal. No closer to an end. In fact, it feels as if you've just lived those moments for nothing, because you are back where you started, or maybe not even where you started at all. Maybe you are six steps behind where you started. And sometimes you ask yourself what the freakin' point is.

The struggle makes you tired. It wears you out to keep at it all the time. This struggling along business, it isn't for the faint of heart or weak of will. This is exhausting, you know. Well, of course you know. You are familiar with the struggle. Heck, you might even be like me - the struggle might be like family to you, or your best friend forever. The struggle has been around so long in my life, I doubt whether I would be able to exist without it. I mean, the struggle has always been here. If it suddenly disappeared would a weight be lifted off me? Would I suddenly feel free and unburdened and prance through life? Or would I be lost? Would I silently sit and wait for the struggle to return?

The truth is, there are moments when you think you aren't going to make it through the struggle. You doubt whether you will keep going. Actually, there are times where you don't want to keep going. Some days you just want the struggle to end. But then, you take a deep breath, you put your head down, and your power through. You keep going. You keep trying. Why? Because you want to see the new Avengers movie next year. Because your family and friends need you. Because giving up isn't an option. And, mostly, because your struggle isn't as bad as it could be. Actually, in a lot of ways, your struggle isn't terrible. It sucks and can get you down, but it's livable. It's doable.

When the struggle gets really hard, you take a nap. You read a book. You take a bath. Or you bake delicious vegan blondies. Which are kind of like brownies, but without the cocoa. And you remember, you're actually one of the lucky ones who are strong enough to keep struggling.

Sleep It Off

Last night I got a total of three fitful hours of sleep. The lights in my mind went out at three and I was back up at six. Dixon kept me company in these restless hours. There used to be a time when I only got four to five hours of sleep a night. After today, and the complete dysfunctionality (not a real word, but should be) of my brain, I cannot understand how I made it through all those years of next to no sleep.

Today was terrible.

Foggy head. Cloudy thoughts. Unwillingness to look on the brighter side of anything. I might as well have had a little grey storm cloud hanging over my head. Don't get me wrong, I faked it pretty good. Smiled pretty. Said kind things. Well, kind enough. And tried. I really did try today. But in the end, I felt negative.

They say sleep is one of the most important things, along with food and water, but I never really understood that until today. I bogged down at eight in the morning and never fully recovered. Now, I'm sitting here wondering if 8PM is too early for a grown woman to go to bed. If I had a child, people wouldn't think anything of it. Or if I was at least twenty years older. Sometimes it feels like you need a good excuse to go to bed, like being a mom, working a physically tiring job, or having jet lag.

I say, to the birds with that. Sometimes you don't need a good excuse for going to bed. Sometimes just being human is exhausting. Sometimes life is tiring, you know?

And I am grateful I can go to bed whenever I damn well please. Except for when I am at work. Apparently it's frowned upon to curl up on the comfy green couch and take a snooze. How would I know that?

Trial and error, my friends. Trial and error.

Needless to say if you are not a little ray of sunshine. If things seem daunting. In general, the day drags you down. You might not be getting enough sleep. Remember how when you got hurt in gym class the teacher told you to walk it off? Well, I think as you go through the later years of your life you should sleep things off. And now I am convinced. I'm going to bed. Dr. Tyson has left the building.