The not-so-awesome thing about going through hard times is that sometimes even the good things start to look like crap. All right, there are a lot of not-so-awesome things about hard times. The tears and strife, worries and anger, frustration and feeling of utter helplessness. But when you start doubting the amazing stuff that used to make you smile, it sucks. When a handful of things don't feel right, everything starts feeling wrong. It's a weird thing to be perfectly happy one day and then, three days later, be wondering who you are, what you're doing and why you're here.
For the most part, I keep positive and lovely, but this last week I've been so negative and harsh. It's the guilt and blame and general restlessness. And last night as I was trying to get to sleep I felt lonely.
It's been a long time since I've felt that way. Alone? Sure, that's not a bad feeling. We all need to have time to ourselves. Lonely? It's not the most pleasant experience. Yes, I do believe we are never truly alone. But I am only human, and the heart yearns and aches, even when we don't give it permission to. When you're down and lonely, lost and a bit broken, you start to doubt things. Things you don't want to doubt. Things that might be wonderful and perfect, but you aren't seeing them clearly or understanding them properly, so you start picking at them. Pulling them apart. Losing faith in them. In yourself.
There have been a fair amount of tests lately. Life tests. I've been kicking the dirt at my feet and trying to keep my head above the surface, but water keeps going up my nose. And I hate that feeling. For the last week it just feels like I've been going in the wrong direction. Backwards. Sideways. Not forward. Battling against the rest of the herd. Getting bashed around.
This constant 'go, go, go' is exhausting. I'm exhausted. Bone weary. Dog-tired.
I need a nap. Except, I can't get to sleep.
Hard times happen to everyone. We all struggle at one point or another. And I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm healthy and have a few people who care about me. My dog is cute. There's food in my fridge. My bills are paid (kind of). I have a job. My skin is clear. So on and so forth. But remaining positive and moving forward can be a chore.
I'm not saying I'm giving up. It's just this valley is deep and the climb up to the next peak is going to take forever. Not to mention I'm going to get dirty, fall down a lot, and probably break a nail or two. Good thing I have such sturdy walking shoes, strong legs and don't give a crap about my nails.
In order to de-funk myself, I've decided to celebrate the fact that it is October. Yeah, I know this post doesn't seem like I'm celebrating, but it's only the first and we have thirty one days to turn my bad mood around. So, drum roll please, I'm going to do the A-Z blogging challenge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know everyone did this back in April, but you all know how I love to be different. And difficult. Besides, I need something to keep me occupied so my general disenchantment doesn't force me to eat myself into a Bonnie Grape situation. (Yes, that's a What's Eating Gilbert Grape reference. And yeah, if you got it, I think you're super special.) For those of you who don't know what the A-Z blogging challenge is, it means I will be blogging daily, trying to get through the alphabet. I'm picking October as my theme. So, I'll see you back here tomorrow to talk about something Autumny and awesome.