Sometimes I just want to complain.
Sometimes I want to vent, to get things off my chest.
To clear my mind.
What happened to good old fashioned listening?
I spend a lot of my time hearing people out, listening, sympathizing, empathizing. And yet, where is the reverse of that. Where are my listeners? Where are the people who don't jump to conclusions for me?
I don't want my problems fixed. I want someone to nod their head, hum and haw a little bit, and say, "I'm sure you'll figure it out, Tyson."
Because I always do. No one fixes it for me. I've been fixing things since before I went through puberty.
I've had people tell me time and again that if I ever want to talk I can come to them. And the irony is, I can't. Every time I swallow my stupid pride, grab hold of my nuts and take the plunge, I get slapped in the face. And people love to 'know-just-what-you're-talking-about'. They love to have a similar story. Or a sadder story. They want their shady past to be darker than yours.
Sometimes I find it hilarious. And sometimes I laugh so I don't cry.
They nudge. They plead. They demand to know about me. They assume. They judge. They cock their heads to the side and try to figure me out. But they can't. And do you want to know why they can't. Because, I'm not a puzzle for others to put together.
And when I start talking, I just want someone to listen.
I don't want a solution. I don't want a plan of attack. I don't want to know how my situation aligns with their situation. Or how everything will get better.
And then I realize, it's better to keep it to myself. And next time, I'll just swallow my words. And screw 'talking things out' because when I try I end up disappointed. I end up drained, emotionally and physically. And it does no good. It never has.
Why do I do this to myself?
Sometimes I wonder if people really know what it's like to be a good friend.
It only takes one thing, concern for a person's well being. Concern for how someone is. And to execute that, sometimes you have to shut the fuck up and just listen.
Why does it feel like that's what the world is lacking?