The Way I Am

This song hits me in the gut.



I know that sounds weird. It's such a lovely song, really. The thing is, it's not so much the song that packs the punch, or even the words. It's a memory behind it. About a year ago, I sent this to a friend. No matter how much I try to pretend, there was motivation behind it. Mostly because I loved him (and still do). Also because it was a rough time in my life and I needed someone to play with me, distract me and remind me that I wasn't as awful as I felt. He was, without a doubt, there for me. He always had the best answers to my questions. And he possessed a unique way of petting my fears down and making the road seem less alone.

At times, it's hard to think about the past, especially key moments.

Emotions aren't a bad thing - no matter if I was raised to believe they are. I know in my heart they are what separates me from the cyborgs. Sometimes, I get lost. Lonely. Sad. And, though it doesn't happen often, I do cry. A few tears shed here and there are a reminder that I've had hurdles to leap over and, once or twice, I missed and didn't exactly clear them. But, in those moments, I picked myself up. Maybe not right away, but I did manage to get back onto my feet and dust myself off. I'd be lying if I said I did it alone. My friend helped me.

It was nice feeling someone understood me and took me for who I am. Back then, it was what I needed and wanted. Except, there is a problem with someone loving you for you. In order for this to happen, you must show them all of yourself. And sometimes that backfires, which can cause sorrow. I've always had trouble letting people in and when I do I often panic and pull away. It's because I feel vulnerable. Exposed. Truthfully, these things make me feel weak. Something I don't like to feel.

Simply put, it's hard when someone you thought 'got' you fails to understand and leaves you behind. Talk about the ultimate rejection. But then, it's harder still when someone you thought you 'got' turns out to be someone different. The fact is, we all evolve and change and shift over time, with or without other people trying to influence it. Change isn't a bad thing, but it can make people seem further away than they actually are. It's difficult for others to keep up. To change with you. And sometimes it's impossible to see the person you used to be. Sometimes all we want to do is forget the person we used to be. But we can't. Because it's who we were, and, no matter how much we change, a key component of who we are.

Sometimes we try so hard to be the person our loved ones want us to be and we hide away little parts of ourselves. Key parts of ourselves. Or we try desperately to become the person we want to be, before we're ready. We want to forget, let go, move on and we want to take everyone we ever loved with us. No one shall be left behind. Except, that's not how it works. People come and go from our lives.

In so many ways, I am the same girl who sent him that song. Except, I'm not so broken, lost or unhappy. As for him, he's the same person too, even though he's changed as well. There was a time when our paths felt so close, but there's been a fork in the road. He's gone one way. And I another. But for me, he's still with me. Because of what he showed me, what he gave me, he will always be inside me. And, even though he might not recognize it, I will always be inside of him.

The funny thing about paths? We don't really know where ours will end up. It might be here, or there, or on the other side of the world. Who knows how long I will exist for? And who I will fall in and out of touch with? All I know is, if our fork draws back together, I hope he will take me the way I am, and I will take him the way he his. For the sake of friendship and love.

And as for emotions. They aren't as wrong as they feel. I'm only human. So, why fight them?

♥

The Future Is A Marshmallow

In my last blog, the one right before this one, I wrote the line "The future is a marshmallow."

A very sweet friend on Facebook, Hazel, took note of this line and said it was another 'classic Tyson-ism'. That made me happy. It makes me happy to know people actually see the things I write and take the time to let me know they read/like/appreciate them. It also thrills me to bits that I even have Tyson-isms at all.

In passing, I mentioned how I want a shirt with the saying 'the future is a marshmallow' on it. Well, today, she posted this for me on Facebook:

I cannot tell you how happy this little drawing made me. First off, someone took the time to draw this for me. Secondly, I'm wearing a 'the future's a marshmallow' shirt. And third, look how thin I am. All jokes to the side, this gave me a laugh and left me feeling elated all day.

It reminded me of the time when Bonnie made me this:

Or when my friend Jennifer's daughter made me this for my birthday:

And I sat back and thought, wow, I have some pretty cool people in my crazy virtual life.

Sometimes it's hard putting myself out into the world. The blogs and vlogs are designed in a way where I maintain my honesty, with myself and everyone who reads them. For the most part, I do them to order my thoughts, so I don't go mad and start eating my hair (would that be vegan?), but on occasion I am reminded that I'm not shouting into nothingness. Most of the time, that reminder comes from a good place and is very rewarding. At times, it comes from a bad place, a barbed comment, an insult, a dislike or campaign of ugly. This isn't as rewarding, but it comes with the territory.

We often let the negative things in and allow them to needle us. Yesterday, I found dwelling over a woman who mocked the way I speak, not the plethora of shares I received on my vlog about Human Rights. Or the messages and kind words people were saying to me. It's the human condition. To allow the bad to outweigh the good, even when the good is ten times more prominent.

From this day forth, I say negativity be damned. There's no point in it. We shall let it go with the understanding that it is part of life, but it has no place in our hearts. I say it is time to relish the good things. Dwell in the positive. After all, I'm lucky. And I thank you all for the time, energy, comments, shares, likes, and laughs you have given me.

The Truth Shall Make You Mad

Last night, I was talking to my brother about some changes I've been going through. No, not menopause. Life changes or, more accurately, changes in the way I think. For a short spell, I experienced this intense moment of happiness (November), followed by forlorn loneliness (January) that nearly gutted me. Then, I let go, and this eerie calm has taken root inside me (March). It's an odd sensation, and not one I can explain without sounding like my cheese has slipped off my cracker. (I stole that line from a friend.)

Back to the conversation I had with my brother. In order to understand, you need to know my brother has a bit of a shady past. He isn't a bad person, but he has done bad things. I won't go into detail, but his past is something he struggles with on a daily basis. Of course, that's not unique to him. A lot of us are conflicted characters, dwelling on what we have done, mulling and brooding over the hurt we've caused, or the hurt which has been inflicted on us. To be honest, a vast majority of us spend a lot of time living in the past, unable to confront and let go of what we've done, while still clinging to it.

Here is the one simple truth: we cannot change our past.

It's done. We don't have time machines. Doc Brown isn't going to lone us a DeLorean to travel back to the future. Besides, we've all seen enough science-fiction to know we shouldn't tamper with the past because it will mess everything up. I think Marty McFly all taught us that one.

And yet, even though we cannot change it, we let out past dictate our futures. 

This is what stumps me. There's a line in a Ray Lamontagne song, Empty, where he says, "Well, I looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest and said, Do your best, destroy me. You see, I've been to hell and back so many times I must admit it kind of bores me." There is a truthfulness in his words that knocks my breath from me. He talks of what so many of us do. We let our past steer our futures and allow old hurts, pain, strife and negativity derail us from the things we love, the happiness we can have, the peace waiting for us. Sometimes we pull ourselves out from under the crushing layer of human emotion and it's like we are seeing for the first time. Except, we allow it to pile back on us when things get hard. And it's tough moving under that blanket of doubt, fear, worry, loneliness and disappointments.  

The thing is, the future is a marshmallow. Okay, okay. Not in a roasting over a fire pit kind of way, but the flexible, smooshy way. The future is ours to control. It is something we can mould and shape. Sure, we can't change what we have done, but we can control how we move forward. As some of you know, I'm all about the love. I believe it is only with love that we can move forward.

Of course, this can be complicated because it can take a long time to get to this place. First, we need to love ourselves before we can love others. Secondly, we need to understand love and give before we can receive. And, we need unconditional love for all, which comes with letting go of expectations, wants and all the false things we've been taught.

People are possessive because it's how we have been raised. We always draw the line between what is ours and what is someone else's. This is my home. That is yours. This is my food. That is yours. Except, to me, nothing is mine because everything is ours. All right, that's a bit heady, but it ties into what I have been thinking, which is the idea of oneness.

Not too long ago I posted a video clip where Neil DeGrasse Tyson talks about how the same atoms that comprise life on earth, that make us up, can be traced back to the same ones that started the Universe. That whole idea, that the stars are a part of us, we are a part of them, and we are part of each other is one I completely embrace. It's why we need to care. It's why we need to love everything. Everyone.

And it is why I am never alone.

All these thoughts aren't new. People have been experiencing these feelings and ideas for years, centuries even. Many of these components can be found in other religions and practices. And I find it in music and books all the time. They weren't even new to my brother, except for him to hear me talk so freely about things he'd been thinking about for years shocked him. Because it's odd to have someone pluck your thoughts and ideas right out of your head and put them into words.

Near the end of the conversation, he said something that took me by surprise. As we talked about other dimensions and quantum physics, he told me I should be careful. He feared the questions I was asking, the thoughts cartwheeling through my head, had the ability to make me go crazy. A lot of the things we were talking about aligned with Buddhism and he told me it is not recommended for weak minds to delve into Buddhist practices and teachings because there is a chance it can break them.

It made me think of a quote from one of my favourite writers, and people, Aldous Huxley.


"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad." 

And then I thought, how close am I to losing my mind?

Using Real Life

Most writers are familiar with the saying: Write what you know. It's tossed around all the time, almost religiously, really. While there does need to be some knowledge behind what we write, especially to make feelings and motivations authentic, I think it's impossible to know everything, no matter how many people call you a know-it-all. For example, if you're writing a novel about demons and angels, which happens to be ever-so popular right now, there isn't any way you can know what a demon or angel is thinking, what heaven is like or how it feels to have wings sprout on your back. Sure, you can imagine it, if you're creative enough, but you don't know.

That said, if you're writing a book about Gabriel, the Archangel who typically serves as a messenger to humans from God, then you better do some research. You want to get his basic details right. I mean, you don't want to come across as an uninformed sloth to your readers. There really is no excuse for laziness and, as any writer can tell you, penning a novel requires a certain amount of research. It's why authors have seven tabs open on their browser when they're writing a book. Okay, okay, two of those are Facebook and Twitter.

From my experience, people don't just decide to write about something they have no clue about. The truth is, we often create stories based off things that interest us, things we care about. Which leads me into what I want to talk about today. We draw from our own experiences. And, in truth, we draw from other people's experiences.

See, this is where I get a little bit lost. What isn't clear to me is how much of our own lives we can filter into our novels, and how much of other people's? I suppose what I am asking is, how much is too much? And where do we draw the line? Of course, I'm not an utter fool, I know enough to at least change the names.

But, all jokes aside, I've been thinking about this lately because I have an idea for a book that touches on a few things very personal to me. And, while they are in fact my experiences, they are also someone else's. Now, I don't plan on writing out our interactions verbatim. Actually, I don't plan on writing them out at all. It isn't the actual events I will be using, but the feelings, thoughts and motivations behind them. Still, I've been mulling over whether or not it is appropriate to use real life in our work.

While on one hand, I think it's inevitable. After all, we are inspired by the people around us and the things we witness. I also think it's a bit rude to do so. Then again, memoirs are very popular and, even though they are one person's account of their life, they also shed light on all the players in that person's life. What's the difference then? You can write a story about your life, detailing events from the people's lives around you, and call it a memoir, so why not base your novel off real life occurrences and call it fiction?

In some ways, writing about real things makes it more authentic. Then again, you're less likely to alter the scene or story because you think it has to be one certain way.

Here's the thing, I've known a few writers who have put specific moments from other people's lives into their book. And a couple of them have been very private and revealing, to the point where, if the person read the book, they'd know it was their very personal moments. Yes, a couple of these writers have informed the others involved, in an effort to give them a heads up, but one or two have simply gone ahead and done it without warning the person, or asking permission.

It's sort of a conundrum from where I sit. In some ways, it feels like plagiarising someone's life. I mean, it's important to take into consideration our friends, family, lovers, both present and past, and their feelings. In the end, it all comes down to respect and affording other people the same consideration you yourself would like. If we think they'd be upset, pissed off or annoyed over something we wrote, then we probably shouldn't put it in a novel that could potentially become a best seller. (A girl can dream)

So, in conclusion, drawing from real life cannot be avoided, but we should do it respectfully.

Oh, and if we don't know something but want to write about it, research. If no other reason than to appear less numpty-ish.

For The Love Of Einstein

Most people know Einstein for his theory of general relativity, or, simply put, E=MC2. Because of this breakthrough, he is regarded as the father of modern physics, and one of the most intelligent beings in human history. But this theoretical physicist was so much more than a mathematician and scientist. He was more than his theory of relativity, in my opinion.


Other things the man did, simply leave me in awe. For example, his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect would later be the stepping stones for establishing quantum theory within physics. He spent a lot of his time dealing with the problems of statistical mechanics and quantum theory, which eventually led to his explanations of particle theory and motion of molecules. His success spans form his early work with Brownian Motion, in 1905, through to his answer to why the sky is blue in 1911 and on to 1916 with his general theory of relativity. I mean, these are things I can barely comprehend let alone imagine thinking up myself.


Anyway, today is Pi day. March 14th. It also happens to be Einstein's birthday, which means people the world over are celebrating the birth of this genius, which I think is wonderful. Except, I've noticed some people seem to think that Pi, or 3.14, is actually Einstein's invention. This is not true. Pi pre-dates Einstein, and by more than just a couple years.


First, a little bit about Pi, and then we'll get back to Albert.


Pi is not only the sixteenth letter of the Greek alphabet, but the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Meaning, it doesn't matter how big your bloody circle is, you're going to come up with Pi, which is roughly 3.14. In reality, Pi goes on forever because it is an irrational number, so the digits never end, or, more accurately, they don't repeat in any known way. So, who came up with it? Well, ancient civilizations knew about this fixed ratio circumference to diameter thing a long time ago, but it was the Greeks who refined the process and it is Archimedes who is credited with the first theoretical calculation of Pi. 


Okay, so, maybe that isn't all that interesting to you, but it needed to be said. For informational purposes, of course. Regardless, Einstein didn't come up with Pi. Now, if this is news to you, perhaps you're all befuddled. You might be wondering why today is celebrated as Pi Day and not just Einstein's birthday. 


Well, that's simple. 


Our little friend Pi, or this awesome symbol π, often appears in mathematical equations which describe the fundamental principles of the Universe. And what is the most famous, popular and awesome equation about the Universe? The theory of relativity. And who invented the theory of relativity? 

That's right. Albert Einstein. See how it all ties together in a pretty package with a beautiful bow?


Some might think it is coincidence that this genius was born on March 14th and that he later went on to utilize Pi in his most ground breaking works. But, I don't think so. I think it was a sign he was on the right path. Every day, there are little notes and clues around us, letting us know if we are on the right journey. And, as hippy dippy as it sounds, this to me was a sign. Einstein was only fulfilling his destiny. Or something like that.


Now, as it goes, not a lot of people know much about Einstein, other than the fact that he was brilliant. They don't know that he loved to sail, a sea-faring creature after my own heart, he played the violin, or that he never wore socks. But, I think, one of the most endearing facts about this man is his love for music. One of his statements that completely enamours me is, "I get most joy in life out of music." Well, I've probably spoken those words a hundred times in my lifetime. 

The truth is, he was a simple man, quoted as saying, "A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?" And it is the truthfulness in the words he's spoken that sing to me. Another example of his wisdom is, "Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools." As someone who often struggles to phrase what she thinks, I find his honesty and simplicity mind boggling. It is these little sayings that allow us a glimpse into the person Einstein was, beyond his mathematical prowess, into his heart. The man is well worth our thoughts today. Or, everyday, really. 

On that note, I will leave you with my favourite quote by the father of modern physics: 

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. 

Ah, a romantic. Who doesn't love that? 

Happy Birthday, Albert Einstein.