The Art Of Terrible Internet Moderation - A How To

The other day I wrote a post called 'Outlander, Breasts And Being A Judgmental Asshole'. It came into creation after a friend of mine was booted out of a Facebook group after she spoke up about the hypocrisy of tolerating, if not encouraging, the bashing of an actress, but deleting comments, threads and people for being far less negative and cruel. This little blog of mine actually ended up being posted in the Outlander Series group, more than once, and spurred some deep, thoughtful and encouraging discussions about body-shaming, moderation, and the less than favourable side of fans and fandom.

But the post was removed from OS. The admins of the page didn't like the blog because they thought it painted them in an unfavourable light. Okay, I might have made a comment about there being control freaks at the helm of the ship with their whips of censorship lashing out at whoever disobeys their commands. It made for colourful writing, but it was a side point to a much bigger issue - body-shaming, both doing it and condoning it. After over seventy comments on my blog, I came to realize a lot of people felt the way I did, and I was pleased to provide a platform where people could openly communicate without suffering the consequences of warnings or being banned. 

Now, I could be irritated about having my blog removed and an important discussion being thrown out because of someone's ego, but that isn't how I roll. Instead, I've come up with a how-to for anyone interested in perfecting the art of terrible internet moderation. 

So, here they are, five steps to being an atrocious administrator, as learned by a couple of the Outlander Series moderators: 

1. Make it personal! 

It is unacceptable to allow comments, posts or people who disagree with the admins. If you don't like it, delete it! This is a dictatorship, after all, and the only thing that matters is the opinions of those in charge. Discussions are only healthy and encouraged if they aren't showing you in an unflattering light. Instead of fixing the problems and striving to resolve issues that crop up, it is best to ignore, ban, and block. Appeal to the masses, remind them how much 'crap' you put up with, and ensure they stay in line. If they step out, eradicate the weed before it spreads. 

2. If you are having a bad day, take it out on unsuspecting strangers. 

Long week? No patience? People annoying you? Just delete them! As an admin, it is your God given right to delete whoever you want, whenever you want. Someone is arguing with you? Remove them. Don't like someone's comment? Delete it. Patience running thing? Ban the next person who talks back to you! The beauty of being in control is you can do whatever you want, no repercussions!  

3. Be deceitful.

It is perfectly okay to lie, cheat, and participate in trickery. First, start out by asking people to come to you if they have any problems or concerns. When they do, disagree with what they tell you, and ban them. Then, ask other people if they have the same issues as the person you banned, try and trick them into being open and honest with you, when they fall for your trap, give them the boot! This way you can eliminate anyone who doesn't think and feel as you do. They say variety is the spice of life, but when controlling the masses you want everyone to obey and conform. Don't worry if this seems like a childish antic, in the end you will be more powerful.

4. Reiterate the rules. 

There are rules for a reason, to make your life easier. These rules are subject to change at your whim. It is not okay to talk poorly about an admin, but body-shaming a celebrity is perfectly acceptable. Make it clear who is in charge. The minions are nothing. Keep them underneath you. Bowed and broken is the only way you will successfully manage a group of heathens. Remove anyone and anything that contradicts the rules of the group and your own personal rules. If you let one person stand up to you, they all will stand up to you. The first warning should always be the last as well.

5. Restrictions. Restrictions. Restrictions. 

The last rule of Moderators Club is to not let anyone talk about ... well, anything you don't want them to. Restrictions are the key to a complacent crowd. Discussions should include limitations on things that annoys you, opposing opinions, disagreements about the way your page is being run, off topic remarks, hijacks, cute animals, weather reports from Wisconsin, Outlander drinking games, uncertainty and past members. Once a member is booted or banned, they are basically dead, so you must ensure they are never brought up again. Ever. 

  

All kidding aside, when you opt to become a moderator or administrator, all personal beliefs and thoughts should be put to the side and governing should involve a modicum of rationality. There is a certain objectiveness needed to fulfill your all and powerful duties. Take my blog for example. Yes, this is MINE, but I encourage people to discuss and interact, I like others to disagree with me, because Devil's Advocate is my best friend, and sometimes I want to be proven wrong. Yes, OS has a fan page of over thirty-four thousand people, but out of all those followers there are only a  hundred or so who are regularly active. For the most part, the majority doesn't interact, which is probably a relief for them right about now. 

Still, there are those who considered this place a community,who were there from the very beginning, and were mistreated by those 'in charge'. They suffered abuse, then were booted, often for nothing more than disagreeing with someone or voicing their concerns. When it comes to the management of the OS page, it's clear at least two of those in charge are suffering from a mad case of the power hungries. But why am I saying this? After all, I am not in the boat, I don't want to be in the boat, and I will, most likely, never be accepted into the OS boat. Because I am tired of seeing people abusing the system and mistreating others, especially when they are supposed to be setting an example. I am saying this because a friend of mine has been punished for being a good person. Because this sort of controlling behaviour is ridiculous and unacceptable. Keeping people in line by threatening to get rid of them is a fear tactic. 

Granted, this does bring up one interesting question, what can you do when the moderators become the trolls? 

Laugh. Shrug. And leave the group, I suppose. In the end, you can shout, complain, and bitch, but it's all up against a brick wall, and the brick wall just doesn't care. Always remember, everything you say is saved on the internet. Just because you delete it doesn't mean it goes away. Between caches, screen shots, and transcripts, you truly can't get rid of the stupid things you do, drunk or not. The internet is public domain.

Damn You Google

I, like so many other people, enjoy how Google makes life easier. Anything I want to learn about is at the tips of my fingers. Still, there is room for improvement. Like having more than one account.

Ages ago, I started this blog with a little known yahoo account. It has always been under that Yahoo account, but as time passed, and I accquired more accounts, like Google + and twitter and Facebook and Instagram and ... well, you get the picture, the more difficult it came to keep things in order. So, then I started the tedious task of merging everything under the same email account.

Now, since you have to have a Google + account with your gmail address, I figured I'd just keep that around. And since blospot is a Google application, I thought I would just be able to merge my blogger with my Google + account, because that would make my like 160 times better. Instead, when I went to go add my gmail address, it told me that that address was already associated with Google +. Yeah, I know, but can't I add my blog onto there?

Long story short, no. You can't.

Which sucks.

Yes, I could add another author onto my blog with my gmail account and then delete the original creator of the blog, but then all the blogs I follow don't transfer and neither do the comments I've left and my join date.

Call me fickle, but these things really do bother me.

It also bothers me that Google just won't allow me to merge the two accounts. I mean, come on! What's a girl to do?

I suppose I should just be grateful that I even have the ability to blog and type and tap dance in the rain, and I am. Don't get me wrong. I am super appreciative of all I have. But Google is this massive conglomerate all digitally advance, but they can't let me do this one silly thing that completely annoys my OCD brain. I want to have one account, I don't have to flip back and forth between them. Can't they just make my life easier and say, "Yes, you can merge your accounts. Ta dah!"

Yes, you can export and import a blog, but it doesn't save all your settings, nor your Blogger profile. It's almost like you're supposed to have previous knowledge of all this junk before you create  any account on the interweb. I guess I could delete my Google + account and start anew, but that seems like so much work and I am also lazy, as well as fickle.

Geez, my middle class problems are such a pain in the year. Though, I don't technically think I qualify as middle class. I made too little money last year to consider myself that!

Snark ended.

6734

One might think to themselves, what a strange blog title. A number. Six thousand seven hundred and thirty-four. 

What could this possibly mean? asks my adorning fan. 

Is this a code? Does it need to be broken? Surely there must be some deep meaning within this number to unlock the untold wonders of the world and deliver unto the masses the truth of life and why we are all here. 

Alas, it isn't so grand. This number will not change your life. It won't make you richer, prettier or more intelligent. No one will write a book or movie about this number. Actually, with all this hype, it's kind of boring what this number is. Unfortunately, I've already come this far, so I kind of have to continue. 

This is the number of reads I've had on my most popular post on this here blog. 

Crazy, right? 

And you won't even guess what the subject matter is of my most popular posting either. 

The Exorcist. 

No, really. I'm not pulling your leg or making a joke. It truly is. 

This strikes me as hilarious. I mean, I have poured my heart and soul into some of the articles here. I've talked about love, my insecurities, detailed my journey through the jungle of life, and still, the most popular post on my blog is about exorcisms.  

This is a lesson learned, my fair writers, bloggers and creative creatures. If all you want is hits and numbers and stats, just post about the Exorcist. The mob will come flocking. Still, I find myself sitting up at night pondering this fascinating factoid. What is it about The Exorcist that people feel compelled to Google fifty times a day? 

Let's break this down and get all up in the numbers and stuff. I posted E Is For Exorcism  on October 6th. It is now April 15. This is about six months. If we do the math, which I've always hated doing, this breaks down to around 1122 hits a month. Given there is about thirty days in a month, this works out to being 37 hits a day. All for exorcisms and the wonderment of demons invading bodies!  

It leads me to believe there are a lot more possessions taking place on a daily basis than any of us could ever imagine. This is both frightening and fabulous. See, it's terrifying because none of us want to see anyone's head spin around or have them impale their naughty bits on a cross, a la Regan in The Exorcist  The sheer thought of a demon sneaking into your body and holding court is more than a little unnerving. But isn't it fabulous to know you live in a world where these are the things people are concerning themselves with. 

Even more interesting, a lot of these hits are coming from Singapore and the Philippines. Which only confirms that I most likely won't be planning a vacation to these destinations any time soon. Well, not without a bucket of holy water and a silver cross. 

Okay, so I just took the time to do the actual math. It's been 192 days since I hit the publish button for this, which works out to 35 hits a day. Of course, for all I know there was a group possession on a holiday weekend and three thousand of the original six thousand seven hundred and thirty-four were accumulated then. It worries me that people were in search of help to expel the demon from their loved ones and instead of finding do-it-yourself step-by-step possession instructions they found my cheeky blog instead.

This informative post has been brought to you by my over-thinking and general absurdness. 

A Little Yoga Never Hurt Anyone