Friday, May 3, 2013

I'm Tired

Today, I am tired. I woke up tired. Not sleepy. Just tired.

Tired of feeling cautious. Uncertain of my surroundings. Not sure of what to say or do. Or why I want to say and do what I want to say and do. It's complex, I suppose. Or maybe not. Maybe we all know exactly what I mean when I say I am tired of feeling cautious.

The tiredness goes beyond the uneasy feeling. I am tired of feeling heavy. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Exhausted over money. Not having any. Like none. Being poor. Unable to buy groceries. Or a dress. A badly needed pair of shoes for work. Travelling is out, because gas is so expensive. Ferry rides are out. So my friends, those real life unvirtual ones, seem so far away. I did this to myself. No need to remind me. The bills are piling up. I'm getting frustrated with myself. And the worry, well, I'm so tired of worrying over money. Of having it be the soul thing I'm fretting over and having the lack of it mess up the good things, and taint the happiness I was feeling.

I'm tired of wanting a hug. And not wanting to ask for one at the same time.

More so, I'm tired of feeling fat, even though I know society's idea of what women should weigh is far under what is healthy. And though I know that. I still stress about my weight. Cellulite. Stretch marks. The jiggle in this wiggle. Even things I once loved aren't looking the same. Not while I'm wearing these tired glasses of mine. They make everything look so much more unattractive than it is.

Ugly. Tired of it as well. It's a beast. And it takes over.

The lack of undisturbed slumber is making me tired. In the true sense, though, not in the metaphorical or symbolic way. In the I-am-actually-tired sort of way.

I'm tired of having these random days where nothing seems to go right. Waking up angry, burning the toast, messing up breakfast, banging my head on a cupboard, staining my clothes, tearing my nylons, not being comfortable in my own skin, seeing the flaws and wondering where the fabulous is, biting my lips and making it bleed and wanting someone to say yes to something but they just keep saying no.

It's draining to feel as though life is simply slipping through my fingers as I worry and fret and lose sleep. It's scary to think I'm getting older and the bullshit keeping me awake is the same. It's crazy that one day I simply won't exist anymore and none of this will matter. It's strange that it really doesn't even matter now.

It's funny because it's all in my head.


Anonymous said...

sometimes when i'm in a funk, i don't really want to be talked out of it as much as i want my feelings validated. so first of all, you are entitled to have a bad day. but as a person with a progressively degenerative health condition, i have learned to focus on being grateful for the good stuff in life because there really isn't time to focus on the negative.
i know that in the not too distant future, i will think back wistfully on the things i'm complaining about today and wish i'd appreciated what i had. so i try. we don't always succeed, any of us, but i wish you luck. you have a lot going for you as we all can tell.

Katie O'Rourke said...

hug your dog.

S. M. Boyce said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling suckish, though that sounds like it might be an understatement.

If it helps, I had that existential "holy shit I'm not going to exist someday" revelation as well. And after the initial terror, it was utterly liberating. I get to do anything and be happy and enjoy my time here. That's a pretty freeing thought.

First, though, I think you might want to focus on sleep. It's amazing how much brighter the world is when you're rested.

I hope things improve for you. I enjoy your blog, so keep the posts coming.