Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It Isn't Love

Every single day of my life I see, read, hear  pieces and blips of people's relationships. With all this social media in our lives, we get a front row ticket to a lot of intimate moments, private thoughts, flirting and romantic philandering  We see the saccharine beginnings of new love and, most horrifying for the soul that has been wronged, the unhinged ends of tainted relationships. Both of these can be fairly embarrassing,  not only for us, the person witnessing it in the comfort of our pyjamas at eight o'clock on a Wednesday as we consume a pint of chocolate chip mint ice cream, but for the parties involved. Maybe not in the moment but, most likely, after the fact.

You hear so much about love and how it is supposed to make you feel. The elation. Being one with the person. How you don't get bored looking them. Electrifying kisses. Never feeling alone. Having a best friend and amazing lover in one. There is a list and it goes on and on and everyone can tell you when it is love. When you are head over heels.

Except...no one wants to tell you when it isn't love. It's like people are afraid to speak up and say, "You shouldn't be feeling that way." I see it in status updates, tweets, Instagram photos, and text messages. We want to offer support and a shoulder to lean on when times get tough. Yet, we are terrified to tell it like it is. No one wants to be the jerk who drops the truth bomb. It's hard to be honest when someone's bleeding heart is making a terrible mess of their Facebook account.

I know they will regret it, probably in a year when they've picked themselves up and put themselves back together again. To be honest, I came very close to being one of these people. As it is, I share a lot of personal details here on this blog, especially through my journey of self discovery and trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I know the feeling of looking back and shaking my head over the miserableness I felt. Thankfully, I have yet to have an emotional breakdown on any social media platform, I like to keep those contained to the privacy of my own bedroom or, at the very least, a local park.

But wouldn't it be nice if someone, somewhere, could help us out in the moment. Instead of telling us six months later, "Yeah, you should never feel that way." Well, how about we talk about when it isn't love so we all have a reference point as to what isn't okay.

It isn't love when you are left alone to wonder where your girlfriend or boyfriend is. When they don't tell you where they are going, fail to come home or check in when they know you worry. And it isn't love when they go without a goodbye and come home without a hello, especially for long periods at a time.

Sure, it may seem ridiculous to say it, but we take our loved ones into consideration. When we extend ourselves and truly fall in love, that person becomes our family. Our point of contact. An in case of emergency call person. They are are our 'go to'. And we consider them, what they need and want. If you are not being considered, it isn't love because love is, above most everything else, considerate. You count. And you should feel like you count.

It isn't love to feel like a piece of furniture. Disposable. The same as the aged and battered recliner they have had around forever - familiar and boring. Serving a purpose but never really being seen or used to your fullest potential. Great to have around when company comes over but kind of in the way most days. Love doesn't make you feel used or abused. You should feel important. Wanted. Cared for. Wood polished. Cushions fluffed. And a bunch of other sexual innuendos that pertain to furniture.

Your body. Your face. Your entire being should be accepted as is by the other person and appreciated in the same way. It isn't love to be constantly guessing what the other person thinks of you. Trying to dress nice and not getting a compliment. Waiting to simply be noticed. It isn't love to feel as though you should hide a part of your body or a fragment of your personality. To doubt you wit, intelligence, attractiveness when it comes to your partner is wrong. Holding back isn't love.

This is hard to admit, because I've been there before, but it isn't love to lie next to someone and wonder where they are because it's so clear they aren't sleeping with you. To feel alone though a body is literally two feet away. And to be afraid to wake them, to talk to them, to ask to be held. This isn't love.

Need isn't love. Wanting is. You don't need anyone other than yourself. And you don't need to feel needed. You needed to feel wanted. Like they want to be with you. To hold your hand. To talk. To share everything no matter how silly or inconsequential it seems.

Use your senses. And if you feel as though you aren't being seen, heard, tasted, touched or smelled then it isn't what you want. Love commands all the senses.

It isn't love to be a shadow. To follow. Stalk. Sneak about. It isn't love to read emails. Hack Facebook accounts. Snoop text messages.

To feel unsupported isn't love. You should have dreams. And no matter how ridiculous they may seem to yourself or others, they should be supported by the one you love, the one who is supposed to love you. They should be interested in what you do. They should care.

More than anything, it isn't love to feel sad and alone. To be broken. And doubt the person you are or the one you are becoming. You shouldn't lose sight of who you are or where you are going. The anger, pain, self hatred isn't love.

It isn't love to have your wings clipped. It is love to fly.

It isn't love to wonder where you stand. To feel like a secret. Hidden away. Uncertain whether you should post a picture or write on their wall. Curious to who they are talking to online. Unsure of their relationship status. You should do as you want and relish that the other person will appreciate what you've done and celebrate your relationship. A relationship is like a car. You shouldn't be in the backseat.

It isn't love to hurt constantly. Fear has no place with love. You must know if you let something go it will come back to you or else your nails will start digging in and scars will form. One must give but also take - without both you can become empty. If you are always giving and feel as though there is nothing being given to you, it isn't love.

Sometimes we are the rule, but once in awhile we are the exception  You are exceptional.  Special. One of a kind. Original. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, not even the one you love because...if they do. It isn't love.  

In the end, do not allow yourself to be held down by what isn't love. Open your heart and mind. Allow yourself to be guided by what love is.


Exmoorjane said...

I love your blog. 'It is love to fly'...oh yes. :)

And...love shouldn't be complicated, no? Yet sometimes it is...messy.

Exmoorjane said...

What? I leave a comment and Blogger...censors me? Wipes me out? Vanishes me? :(

Exmoorjane said...

Or maybe not. :)

Tyson said...

@ Exmoorjane - Sometimes it is messy, I suppose. But I think that when it is complicated and messy it may not be 'love'. Love kind of ebbs and flows. And I have approval set on my comments because I get so much spam. It's annoying.