Sunday, January 29, 2012

Beast Of Burden

On Wednesday, I told my friend, via the MSN, that I felt forlorn.

She said, "Great word, not so great feeling."

Boy, did she ever hit the nail on the head with that statement. I've never felt this particular emotion before. Mostly because I've always been a simple girl, with an emotional range of a mop. I like to keep my feelings easy and basic, you know, ones I understand and have experienced before. Sad, Happy, Lusty, and Angry. The ones I know how to navigate my way out from under.

It's hard to explain the crushing, nearly suffocating, effect being forlorn can have. I felt hollowed out. Empty. It was hard to breathe, think, and, rather horribly, hard to push it away. The truth is, no matter how hard you try to stay in the flow, on your path, and at ease, sometimes the chemicals in your head pair up with the contents of your heart and couple with your ever-turning brain in order to jerk you around. Think of it like a test. One I clearly failed. My mantra is not working.

It's high school all over again, but this time the only thing at stake is your general health, happiness and well-being. No pressure.

Here's the thing, I had a shite week. It started with a doctor's appointment. You know when they say they will only call if they find something wrong? Imagine my surprise when they actually called. Like the pap smear and breast examine isn't bad enough. I don't like going to the doctor as it is, let alone being told I need to complete a handful of tests just so we can 'rule a few things out'.

How...reassuring. (I'm making one of those faces that says I am completely not reassured at all.)

This really kicked off the forlorn feeling because, what do people need when they are scared and unsure and wandering around the cold, lonely city streets being drenched with rain? (Alright, that last part was a bit of artistic expression. I did not wander around in a torrential downpour sobbing or anything. Maybe next week.) In those moments of complete 'what-the-hell-is-going-on'edness, we need love, understanding and someone to take our hand and tell us everything will be okay, even if they don't know whether it will or not.

Not all that long ago, I realized I was only human. I know, it shocked me too. With being human, certain things are unavoidable, like emotions. We all have needs. I used to think love wasn't a necessity, but I was wrong. It is. We need to love and be loved, to be happy. And, while I've done an excellent job at loving myself (pseudo-sexual pun intended) and I do know others love me, there is a physical side we crave.

To put it simply. I needed a fucking hug.

Yes, I feel wimpy saying it. But it's the truth. And putting my arms around myself and giving a little squeeze is...well, let's just be honest here, it's bloody pathetic. No beating around that bush. Sometimes we need other people to hold us. I bet this can tie in with nuturing and mothers and growing up and all that crap. I'm not going to tie it in, though. See, I do spare you!

This is all a little hard for me to admit, because I never needed that reassurance before. Or maybe I did, but my head was clouded with cynicism, sarcasm and an intense need to not need. Wow. If that's not confusing, I don't know what is.

It's always good to be able to distinguish needs and wants. And I did NEED a hug. I needed a physical connection with someone. And not just anyone. Someone specific. Someone I love and who loves me in return. Instead, I sat at my desk feeling empty and lost and, not to be depressing or anything, a little broken. You see, there is nothing worse than wanting or needing something you cannot have. Whether you can't have it because of timing, distance, stubbornness or simply because you're stuck at work.

Though, I wonder what my co-workers' faces would have looked like if I turned to them and asked them for a hug. That's going to amuse me all day now.

This blog post isn't about my need for a hug! What a dippy thing to wander off and babble about. Could someone please put me out of my misery? Or, at the very least, point me in the right direction? I'm like a spinning top. Where I'll stop, no one knows!

What this blog is actually about is being a beast of burden. The Rolling Stones have a song of this title. It's one of my favourites. In my heart, it's what I want to be. I don't want to burden other people with my crap. Whether it's on Facebook, my blog, in my vlogs, or in telephone conversations.

Above all, I don't want to burden the ones I love.

My ex used to have this innate ability to project his emotions onto me. Through complaining and storming around, he was able to shift my mood. Now, I've always been one of those people who believes we are in control of our own emotions, but it's ridiculous not to acknowledge the fact that what others do, say, and think can, and does, affect our own moods. I promised myself I'd never do this to other people. Unfortunately, I'm a big, fat failure.

Because I did this like two hours ago to someone I care about.

There's no way he could have known about my week or the head space I found myself in. How would he? And as soon as I hit the stupid send button, I knew I'd made a mistake. I'd taken out my hurt, disappointment and forlornness on him. And  I shouldn't have. I made a decision a long time ago to try and only give him nice, positive energy and sweet words. In one knee-jerk reaction, I kiboshed the whole thing. So, I slipped. I messed up.

A dude on Facebook changed his status a couple days ago to read: "We should face our problems, not facebook them." And I thought, right on, brother. (Obviously, I was channeling Foxy Brown at this point of the day)

While we all recognize the importance of venting or talking things out, there is a proper and healthy way to go about doing it. Status updates, forum posts, huffy telephone calls or inundating someone over coffee about how terrible life is are NOT the healthy and proper ways to go about doing this.

Neither is slamming someone with an emotionally retarded email out of the blue. (Oops)

The thing is, my feelings are MY feelings. Not my friends', family's, or lover's. They are not the responsibility for anyone else to fix. They are my burden. And I do not want them to be anyone else's burden. In the end, I can only apologize and try not to be any one's beast of burden again.

Oh, but I still need a hug.


Jasmine Walt said...

I know an e-hug probably won't do it for you, Tyson, but I'm sending you one anyway. I hope that whatever's going on with you physically isn't serious.

I think we've all done the emotional vomit email/message/text before, and I hate the feeling that comes afterward when you realize you've fucked up. But we all get through these things. You will, too. :)

Tyson said...

The moment of "oh shite" when you realize you can't recall it or ignore it. Oh, to be human.

Thanks for the hug, Jas. You're the sugar my sweettooth needs. ;)