Monday, December 19, 2011

Tis The Season

I'm not really a Grinch when it comes to Christmas. To be honest, I appreciate the whole idea of the season. Like, I love the idea of stockings, decorating trees, pumpkin pie, and letting people know you love them. Unfortunately, the idea of the season isn't what it turns out to be. Well, not for me.

I've never had a good Christmas, at least not one I can remember.

People think this is sad, but I'm indifferent to it. I mean, it's the way things have always been. A change of pace would only throw me for a loop. While I can see why people embrace this oh-so-festive time of year, I have troubles doing so. You see, Christmas only means fighting for me, both internal and external.

For one, the idea of hanging out with other people and celebrating makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don't like gifts and food, but because I'm usually around a couple people who put me on edge. Either there is something about their personality that irritates me, or they act oddly towards me which makes me feel sort of like a leper. This could be in my head, but I'm a fairly perceptive gal and I highly doubt it.

Another reason is that I hate feeling like a burden. As some of you may know, I'm vegan. I like my vegan ways. They aren't going to change. And despite what people think, it's actually really easy to feed a vegan. Yet, for some strange reason, I find myself with a boiled potato and bland vegetables on my plate nearly every year. I don't complain, of course not, because this is my choice and it's nice they even make an effort, but I'd rather stay home and make my own dinner. At least that way I don't feel like I'm putting anyone out.

Greed is another factor that contributes to my humbug-esque feelings towards the most wonderful time of year. I cannot count how many times I've seen people upset over what they've got for Christmas. In fact, I remember a time when I myself was upset. Though, to be fair, that was with my ex-ex and I spent a month making him this really saucy, sweet book of pictures and poems and junk only to have him hand me a punk music box set. And, to be honest, I would have been perfectly happy with that if he just wrote something meaningful in the card.

He didn't, of course. He wrote two lines which consisted of 'Merry Christmas. Hope this next year is fun.' Like, come on! FUN? I suppose I felt jilted because the sentiment wasn't even there. We worked at a record store, for crying out loud. He didn't even go shopping! He just picked something up when he got off his shift.

Oh, dear. I'm getting myself all worked up.

When I think of Christmases past, I remember feeling awkward and out of place, even amongst my own family. There was always fighting. My mom worked on Christmas, which left me waiting for her to get home in the hopes that things would pick up. Someone always ended up being upset or saying something they weren't supposed to. And I always had an upset tummy. Those were my childhood memories too. I think I've completely blocked out my teenage ones.

This year I am faced with a whole new scenario. With my new (not really) single status, I find myself with absolutely nothing to do. And maybe that's a good thing, but it sort of makes me feel a bit lost. I don't mind being alone, I really don't. I can go watch a movie and make myself soup for dinner. No one will argue with me. I won't have to wait for someone else to be ready to go home. No one will watch me open up the one Christmas gift I have sitting under my tree. Still, I feel like I should be upset.

I'm not saying I am upset. As of right now, I don't know what I feel exactly. This time of year has always been melancholy for me. In fact, I might even go so far as to say I dread it. The worst part is the disappointment. While everyone prances around, singing songs and wrapping gifts, I feel incredibly let down. Christmas is never what I want it to be.

And what I want is so very simple. Romantic, even.

All I want to do is hunker down with someone, preferably the love of my life, watch movies, go out for a stroll around the neighbourhood to look at the lights, and then curling up by the fire with some tea or coco. In my head, my ideal Christmas is spent laughing and talking. There might even be a little love making. Something low key, not filled with countless people and noise and feeling like I'm putting people out. Hey, there might even be an exchange of gifts, either something homemade or from the heart. Where the sentiment is palpable.

And soft kisses, of course. Soft kisses seem to be involved in my ideal Christmas. My ideal birthday, too. And Valentine's Day.

Well, let's just face it, soft kisses make everything better. Rough ones have their time and place as well.

Of course, that won't be happening this year. Probably not next year either. I guess I have a two year plan.

So, I'm not really a Santa-Hater. There's a little beacon of hope that I will one day have a good, no, great Christmas. It just isn't going to be this year. And I'm okay with that. I can wait.

I'm patient.

For some reason, I think I'll have to wait until I have my cabin in the woods. Then things will really start to fall into place.


Exmoorjane said...

Oh hon. I had the opposite - years of wonderful, warm, lovely family Christmasses which I tried to recreate once I had my own home. But...ah well... Now let's say I don't really have the Christmas bonhomie thing anymore...not really. Not sure why. But I watch it through my boy's eyes and that is good.
Wish you were nearer - so that, until you get that perfect soft kiss Christmas you deserve, you could come and share my onion tart!

Tyson said...

I'd love to join you! Maybe I need to have a kid of my own. ACK! I can't believe I said that!

Sessha Batto said...

We don't do Christmas . . . well, at least, not at Christmas! We usually celebrate sometime in January when life is dull and winter is closing in so we exchange gifts! Just realize, your vegan ways are always welcome here for any holiday - I can do a LOT more with veggies than bland, boring and steamed ;)

The Pagan Temple said...

Sounds like somebody's mothering drive is starting to kick in. Watch out, once you go down that road, there's too many of us guys that will be more than happy to oblige you.

Tyson said...

@ Sessha - I am soooo taking you up on that. I've always wanted to vist that side. :)

@PaganTemple - I don't know many men who would be willing to father my children. I mean...that means they'd be tied to me for life! Not wise. :D

Jennifer Bogart said...

Hmmm . . . you sound like my hubby. Keep things low-key and quiet. This is the first year we are staying home for Christmas - usually we celebrate with my entire family, all under one roof (Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles cousins and pets - there's lot of us). It's loud and chaotic and sometimes a little overwhelming.

So - this year, for the first time I can remember, we are doing Christmas at home> My boys have already come up with a plan complete with french fries, star-gazing and maybe even a little outdoor fire on Christmas Eve.

I sincerely hope you'll get your soft kisses soon.

Mr Ellis said...

I could do you a vegan pizza, or maybe a vegan lasagne. I'm getting quite good at dairy free veggie, so it's not too far a step. But a bit far to travel.

Whatever you do, enjoy it the best you can.

Tyson said...

That sounds lovely, Jennifer.

As does the Pizza, Mr. Ellis.

Looks like I have some travelling to do. Anything for free food. :D

Exmoorjane said...

Come could share my food and my child... :)

Chris said...

I definitely agree with you on everything that you wrote, this will be my sixth year spending Christmas alone and it's not that I don't have people asking me to go each and every year, I just turn their offers down. I feel so incredibly awkward and out of place. I've never been a family person and prefer to keep to just myself and a few friends.

I understand the discomfort that you wrote about being around certain family members and for me personally it's that I just don't have anything in common with them, I'm very shy and would always rather be a fly on the wall. The gift from your ex-ex was frustrating to read, did receiving your gift make him at all uncomfortable? You definitely seem you put a lot of effort into making a meaningful gift for him not to feel a little guilty.. I do hope you find someone who is willing to make the same effort for you, I enjoy watching your blogs and look foward to them every week.

Being alone on Christmas is a weird feeling, I often feel as though I too should be upset, but I'm quite okay on my own. Anyway Tyson after reading your blog I just and an urge to comment, just really seemed to have the feelings towards it all as myself.

I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Toodles, Chris.

Tyson said...

@ Chris! - I think my ex-ex was shocked over what I did for him. And it was our second Christmas together, it wasn't like I'd only been with him for a couple months. We'd been together for a year and a bit at that point. My disappointment was clear, which I hated, you know...because it's about the spirit of giving. Should have been a red flag right then. Oops.

When it comes down to it, there's a lot of arguments and expectations. People get hurt over silly things.

Personally, I am looking forward to being alone. I have a couple movies set aside, picked up a tofurkey and some pie and fully intend to curl up in a blanket and simply relax. :)