An Open Letter To Life

Dear Life,

I know you like to test me. You've been doing it for some time now.

Through my childhood you tested me with feelings of being alone and invisible. I came through though. I learned to love the company of myself. Rather ironically, I now prefer to be on my own, free from the constraints of difficult relationships and obligations to be a caring, gentle soul.

In those later years you tested me by showing me how things don't work out at times. That sometimes people disappoint you. And that no matter what, I couldn't protect everyone. I couldn't help everyone. Though it was a hard lesson to learn, I realized I'm not in control of what everyone else did. Only myself. I was better for that lesson. And I might even thank you for it.

Through my preteens you tested me with being awkward and weird. In return, I embraced it. In the end, I learned to use it to my advantage. And now it kind of comes off as endearing and quirky. Sure, I might be that weird girl who does those odd things. I'm happy being that girl. This beat I drum, it's my own and I find it easy to step to.

Through my adolescents, you tested me with extra weight and a homely face. But I learned being ugly wasn't so bad, not if you had brains and a sense of humour. To this day, I rely on the brains and the sense of humour. Being unattractive gave me the ability to develop a personality, one I wouldn't change for the world. Not even to be the most beautiful girl in school.

In my early twenties you walloped me over the head by testing me with heartbreak and love. At the time I didn't think I'd pass this test. I didn't think I had it in me. Fortunately, I found the strength to do the right thing. The thing I needed to do. When I didn't think I'd go on, I did.

I sort of thought we were past the testing, but it seems as though we are in the middle of some more.

This has to be a test, right?

I'm thinking you must be setting me up to learn something. I have the same miserable, sinking, claustrophobic, breaking feeling I had before, during all those other tests. The problem is I don't know what it is I am supposed to be learning, or what it is I am supposed to do to pass this test.

For the most part, as I have learned through experience, your tests have a certain 'grin and bear it' quality. Is that all I am supposed to do? I've been trying to keep my chin up. I know I fail at times. I know I stubbornly kick at the rocks and hang my head. But I'm sticking to it, you see.

If you could give me a hint as to what I need to do to get over this hard time, I'd really appreciate it. That might be asking too much. I know you aren't known for giving hints, Life, but if you could, just this once. It's getting hard, and I don't want to burden anyone with the contents of my heart or head.

Or maybe that's it? Am I supposed to open up? Is that my test?

If it isn't asking too much, could you let me know if there is light on the horizon? And, if you have the time, can you deliver a pinch of good news? A nice email? A hug? A kiss? A gift? Could you just give me something to let me know it's not all bad? That it won't all be bleak forever? That it will get easier? That things will work out?

To be honest, I wanted to let you know I've been tested enough. Except, that's not fair. I'm young. And spoiled. And plenty of people have it worse than me. I know this. I do.

So, maybe I am writing just to say, let up a bit? Give me a reprieve for a week. I'll make it up to you. I won't squander it. Silence the beasts, calm the raging rivers, and clear the skies. For me.

I appreciate the time you took to read this, Life. And I hope you consider helping me.

xoxo

Tyson

Cup Runneth Over

I know how excited you all are to dip into my head and see the inner workings. (I just rolled my eyes.) Anyways, here we go...

Yesterday, I snapped at my brother.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud of it. I'm not sitting here wearing my, "I fought my brother and I won" t-shirt. After all, I'm a bit too old to be fighting with my siblings. Once you pass the age of seventeen it just seems sad and pathetic. But still, I threw out a "Would you just shut the fuck up Jack?"

Even as I said it, I knew I was the one out of line. You know how when things are piling up in your life and you think you're handling them well, but then you snap. Well, this was one of those moments. It sort of took me by surprise.

There we were, sitting around the table, laughing, joking, blah blah blahing, and then just *snap*. I imagine it was sort of like when the Hulk gets mad. Except instead of turning green and getting really big, I got a snotty look on my face and added a lot of disdain to my voice. I can be snarky at times. I know this is shocking for you all to hear. (I tease, I kid, I joke)

To be honest, Jack was only being Jack. And in all fairness, even though he was needling and being annoying, he had no clue as to what's been going on in my day-to-day life. He's sort of like a clueless ape. Even the things he does know, Grandma being in the hospital, eight hundred dollars spent on car repairs and the intense stomach pains I've been having, weren't enough for him to just let up. He's sort of one of those guys who has troubles identifying, socializing and simply being around other people.

I did apologize.

That's the thing about me. I do recognize when I am in the wrong and will offer up an apology. Unfortunately, years of being a dysfunctional family has prevented some of us from developing the unique ability to actually accept an apology. Some of us, not pointing fingers, have troubles moving past the moment and will opt to cling to it for the rest of eternity. Some of us won't drop it, will save it up for a future fight and then throw it out in true sibling fashion, "Yeah, well, you snapped at me at the lunch table in 2011..."

So, instead of accepting it. He said a few hissy-fit things under his breath until I got remad. Remad is the stage after you've been mad and calmed down a bit, but then something stokes the flames of rage again. And of course I handled it the mature way by saying, "What the hell? I said I was sorry. Do you want me to apologize again?"

Yeah, we don't have these family gatherings too often. I'm sure my mom was thrilled to have all her kids together for a nice meal out. We are a charming brood.

It's my fault. I know. But sometimes the cup of emotion runneth over and you have to let it out, just so you have some room to fill it back up again. I often joke that I let myself cry twice a year, and that really isn't too far off the truth. However, lately, it seems as though the tear-Gods are working against me. Maybe that's what I need, to just sit and have a good cry. Perhaps some covers to burrow under too.

Would you like to come to my pity party?

Life. I can handle it when it delivers things slowly. Somehow I missed the memo warning me that things were going to fall apart in the last two months. I really wish I had of got that memo. Then I could have ran away from home.

What? Is running away not a responsible adult thing to do?

Oh, right.

Well, the warning would have been nice.

So, I snapped at my brother. It took me right back to being sixteen. Except instead of having my whole life waiting for me, I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm. Ah, the storm of life. So unpredictable.

When I was young, I thought, "When I grow up, I'll be so happy because I can do whatever I want." It's funny how when you grow up you realize you had more freedom when you were a kid. Don't worry, I still have my amazing sense of humour and flawless skin. ;)

For My Friend

There are certain things I don't worry about, things that I can't change. Like money, or where I am going to be in ten years, and whether or not someone likes me. Those things have never kept me up at night because they just are, and worrying over them would just be a waste of time and energy. Not unlike reading my blog.

Lately, I've been a bit worried over someone near and dear to my heart. Maybe I wouldn't be as worried if I lived close enough to them where I could pop by and help them out. Unfortunately, I live on the frozen tundra of Canada, more than a hop, skip and jump away from my friend.

This friend doesn't need my worry. He didn't ask for it. And deep in my heart, I know he'll be just fine. But still, I worry. Maybe it's because I don't like people I love being in pain. Or maybe it stretches beyond their discomfort and it comes from not being able to give them what they need or want. On the other hand, it probably has something to do with not seeing the situation and assessing it for myself.

So there you have it. Like any decent human being, I worry. Especially over my friends, and especially when they are in pain. These are dedicated to my friend, because I'm thinking about him. ♥

Call On Me. Kind of a perfect song.


Bob Marley is one cool dude.




Always loved this song.






:)


If you don't know the Field Mice, you should look into them.


Don't read into this one too much. ;)


Write About Love

Dirty, Sexy Times

People like sex.
This last week I did a vlog about YouPorn and Pornorgaphy and my views went through the roof. To be honest, it was a little shocking.

Here's the vlog!

Enjoy.

Poetry In Motion

Things are a little complicated right now. Life wise. But have no fear, I've still posted my Vlog for all your enjoyment.


Take the time to watch and comment.

:)