Because Of The Poo

A little over a week ago, I read an article about how we ask the wrong questions, especially with the ones we love. Questions like "how was your day?" and "how was work?" and even "how are you?" are surface questions. They aren't crafted for their target. They take no thought to conjure up. So often, they are part of our routine and we ask them because we know we are going to get a surface answer back, like 'fine' and 'not bad'.

When I really got to thinking about it, I came to the conclusion people avoid digging deeper due to lack of energy. Sometimes it's exhausting to think about delving into a lengthy conversation, so we keep our questions simple and virtually unanswerable. I mean, how can you truly answer how was your day? No matter what you say 'good, bad, fine, shitty, great, awesome, terrible, monotonous, same old - you are lobbing the ball back into the other person's court and waiting for them to ask why. Which often doesn't come because people are tired. They work and have kids and have chores to do! Besides, a lot of people are afraid of what the answers will be if they keep digging. They don't want to get hurt.

But the truth is, when you're in a relationship with others not getting hurt isn't always an option. 

By asking more specific questions, you can improve the quality of your relationship. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Surface questions fall to the wayside. Instead of, how was your day? Suddenly you are asking, what was the best part of your day? You start checking 'how are you?' at the door and welcome more direct conversation starters with 'did anything make you laugh today?' That one happens to be one of my favourites.  

Tell me this makes sense to you. Because after I read the article it was like a switch had been flipped in my head and I saw all the conversational faux paus people make. The theory behind it definitely falls into the empathetic listeners ballpark and encourages sharing. Some people may already embrace these sorts of questions. It might even be a natural thing for you. Heck, you might not even realize you do it. 

I didn't. 

But after I read the article to the Sidekick, he said I always ask him weird questions. True, I do. But I also found those were more for fun. They weren't chosen to understand how he was feeling or what I could have done to make his day better, they were silly and for shiggles (shits and giggles). Like the other day, I asked him, what part of the body don't you like? 

His reply. "The anus." Which is pretty self explanatory. Still he added, "Because of the poo." 

Oh, did I ever laugh. 

The point is, I still need to work on asking him questions about his day, our lives, and everything and anything that makes him tick. Because if I care enough to ask a question, then I might as well make it a good one. I want to improve the connections I have with people. I want them to feel special. And I want them to answer me honestly. Truth is a beautiful thing, even if it hurts. Because it teaches us. It allows us to understand and better know the ones we love, so they don't slip away from us.  

Don't be afraid to ask the ones who mean the most, have you felt loved today? And make your next question a stepping stone to a better relationship and a way more enlightening conversation. 

Articulation

The other night I was leaving work with the Sidekick and I said, "Hey, it's still light outside."
To which he replied, "Yeah, it's getting ... light ... outside ... more."
The situation only became more amusing when he added, "Yep, if anyone ever needs anything articulated send them my way."

We shared a laugh over it.

But it's a funny thing this articulation. Not everyone is blessed with the ability to put thoughts, feelings or ideas into words. I know many people who feel the English language is daunting and discussions the bane of their existence. When confronted with a conversation, they balk, hesitate to engage, and feel put on the spot, fearful over looking stupid, unsure if their verbal weapons are lacking compared to the person they are speaking with. Personally, I think the art of conversation is not an easy thing to master. That being said, I have never spoken to anyone and come away thinking, "Jeez, that person was an idiot." Actually, that's not true, but it hasn't been because they are unable to articulate themselves or they don't have a very extensive vocabulary. No, it's usually because they are narrow-minded, sexist, racist homophobes, or belligerent butt-heads with no common sense and even less manners.

What you are saying is far more important than how you are saying. While I certainly don't feel people have to read the dictionary or thesaurus in order to convey their emotions and thoughts to others, I do feel the ability to speak coherently, organize your thoughts, and deliver them in a fluent and concise manner can only be an advantage when speaking or writing. It's is far more likely for others to understand what you are saying, where you are coming, and not misconstrue what is being said and why.

While the Sidekick and I certainly had a laugh about his statement about the days being lighter, he really is a man of few words. And though he may not be an overly communicative person, he insists that he makes count the few words he does share. Here's the thing. Mr. Sidekick is certainly capable of articulating himself, but he chooses not to. It just isn't the way he goes about doing things. One part shy, two parts stoic man-beast, and the rest laid-back-whatever-will-be-will-be, he simply has a different way of tackling life.

Some of us are internalizers. Others externalizers.

I can appreciate both sides of the spectrum, which is probably why Sidekick and I get along fairly well. I don't like talking about my feelings, but I am blessed with the ability to be able to do so if necessary. Once in awhile I do engage with others in person, but because of this little thing called blogging, I am able to write about the thoughts running rampant through my head. I have been putting words onto paper, both virtual and real, ever since I was a little girl.

In many ways, I am pleased I know how to take my unbridled thoughts and form them into sentences, paragraphs and novels. Maybe that's a gift. It's certainly something I am grateful for. Most people have a hard time summing up their feelings and conveying their thoughts to others, and even themselves. But there's an age old saying for that, isn't there?

Practice makes perfect. This applies to articulation and the art of conversation. I can't recount how many times I've seen people try to talk to others, only to clam up and scurry away, or clamp a lid down on what they think, because they don't know how to brooch the subject, and are uncertain how to make their point. If you desire the ability to be able speak to others, to tell people your thoughts, feelings, ideas and beliefs, then start practising. Engage with others in a conversation. Try writing everything down. Start a blog - it can even be anonymous. Look up synonyms. Read books. And don't be so bloody self conscious.

One day, I will be the Queen of Articulation. I shall have a sash and everything.

It doesn't matter if you excel at speaking and writing or not. The Sidekick may not be the most communicative fellow, but he can draw like a mother fucker. So, here I am able to write down the things I feel, create fluid prose, and engage in lengthy discussions over human emotions and rain dances in the nude, but I can't paint at all. Sketching shapes is a task for me. And I'm not even talking about a tetrahedron or hexagonal prism. Circles and triangles are most tricky!

There's a point here somewhere. Maybe it's that we are all different? Sure, let's go with that.