Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A House and Chainsaw Wielding Maniac - Day 22

Talk about a crappy inheritance, huh? With this gorgeous house, you also get your bonkers cousin who likes to cut faces off people and has an affection for chainsaws. Yikes. But don't worry, Leatherface will protect you because you're family. Just make sure you tell him you two are related or else he's going to cut you to pieces, okay?

Title: Texas Chainsaw 3D
Year: 2013
Synopsis: A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.

Tagline: Evil wears many faces.

With my approaching birthday, I find myself wondering if I'm getting soft in my old age. And I'm not talking about my body. No, this here body is a temple and it just happens to be curvaceous and soft, pliable and cuddly. It's always been that way - another birthday isn't going to change that. What I'm referring to is my usual hardass ways - especially when it comes to horror movies. I don't think I was supposed to like Texas Chainsaw 3D. After all, the Tobe Hooper classic is one of the scariest films of all time both cinimatically and on a psychological level. Simply put, it leaves a disturbed taste in the viewers mouth.

This doesn't do that, not really. In many ways, this supposed sequel is actually a very nice movie about the bonds of family. No character development. Not scary. A decent amount of gore, but it lacked tension. Still, I didn't hate it. And I honestly don't know why. See, it isn't the most brilliant movie of the year, not by a long shot. But I thought the premise kind of cool and the female lead, who wore way too much make up, was actually fairly likable while still being off enough that you can believe she is related to a bunch of homicidal maniacs. 

This did fall victim to continuity issues as well, not to mention realistic viability. If this movie takes up right where the last left off and is supposed to be in present day (they use Iphones), then the ages of both Leatherface and Heather are off. According to the expanded beginning which extends from the end of the previous, we can assume it picks up from 1974 which would make Leatherface 60 and Heather nearing the end of her thirties. Now, I can bend my imagination enough to allow for a couple of years flexibility, maybe, but Heather would have to be at least in her thirties for this movie to even be plausible. And she most certainly is not. Her breasts are far too perky. 

Then there is Letherface. Was he seriously locked in the basement for the last 35 years? Perhaps this is why he limps, but I can only surmise that he would certainly have other noticeable issues. No sunlight and little exercise alone would guarantee this man to be handicapped in some capacity. But there he is chasing after the young kids, clubbing buff twenty year olds and dragging them around as if they weighed the same as a sack of potatoes.

See what I mean about continuity and whether or not it is realistic?

Through the whole film, I kept telling Heather to read the bloody letter from her Grandmother. In the end, it detailed everything, from Leatherface being locked in the basement and what happened to her family. If she had of at least skimmed the note to being with the whole movie might have been avoided. Furthermore, what isn't explained is why everyone in the town is mental. The attractive police officer who happens to conveniently be the son of the mayor who was part of the lynching party who burned Heather's family to bits. Truth be told, you don't care about anyone in the movie and are kind of rooting for the cheater boyfriend and whore best friend to bite it from the get-go.  

Oh, and by the way, Tobe Hooper already did a sequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which was, in fact, a terrible, terrible, terrible movie), but this 3D follow up completely disregards the 1986 installment of this series. Which is fine, I guess, but is something I just now thought of.  

You know, I think I've just talked myself out of liking this. Funny how analyzing things can do that. 

In the films defense, I really did like the idea. Family takes care of family, no matter how messed up said family is. It's kind of a nice thought. But if your cousin who has been touched by the angels is slashing people to bits with a chainsaw (the loudest weapon of them all) then I highly suggest you notify the authorities. It's just good manners. And I have to give props to the scene where Leatherface is sewing the skinned face onto his own. It made me squirm. 

Thank goodness I'm still a hardass!

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