Thursday, August 16, 2012

If You Go Into The Woods Today

I didn't have the greatest day yesterday. It totally took the wind out of my sails, which sucks because I've been coasting along at full mast for weeks. Wait...that doesn't sound right. I meant to say, I've been flying high, skipping through life, and giving strangers hi-fives. My face hurts from smiling. Some say it is all about balance, so I suppose it makes sense that a down period was coming.

I'm not going to blow it out of proportion. I just got some not-so-great news which left me a worrying ball of irrational thoughts about mortality and guilt over not being the world's greatest daughter. Tears were shed. Yeah, you heard me. I cried. But only when I had to tell Rae-Bots that I couldn't go down to the U.S of A for Mexican food and outlet mall shopping. I really had my heart set on chips and salsa and ravaging the Vans store. 

Because of the bad news resulting in the cancelled trip, I decided to comfort myself with food. Why? Because I'm a fat girl at heart and old habits die hard. Anyway, I opted to make sweet tea biscuits, except I accidentally used baking soda and not baking powder. Four tablespoons of baking soda does not good tea biscuits make. It was disgusting all up in my mouth. The worst part, I hoped it was just the one biscuit and ended up taking a bite of another. I might as well have licked a battery to make myself feel better.

I fully expected the bad day to extend itself into the rest of the week, as bad days sometimes do, but this morning I remembered something that has me laughing. And it isn't even five yet. Usually I only do my best grunting and blinking so early in the morning. But laughing? So, I have to share. 

This last weekend, I took a trip over to the Island. Since some of you might not know what 'the island' is. Well, I mean Vancouver Island, which is home to Victoria, and a plethora of other places. For those of you who aren't aware, Victoria is in fact the capital of British Columbia, which is the province I live. And it's a pretty amazing place. To be honest, I haven't explored the Island all that much. I mean, I've visited Victoria, and their top notch wax museum, but for the most part, up until the last month, I hadn't really explored. So, I went over to do some adventuring with a friend. 

Since he knows all the hot spots, he took me to see the sights, and one stop found us at Elk Falls. I'll say it was spectacular, simply because words never do nature justice, much like pictures never really capture how breathtaking it is. So, it was spectacular and here is a picture:  

Of course, this wasn't what had me laughing, so I'll refrain from droning on about all the trees and falls and greenery and junk and get to the story. Before we made it to the falls, we hiked this path that just so happened to be closed with an advisory that it was dangerous. Since he needed to fill his badass quota for the day, we climbed through the fence barring our way and headed out. As we picked our way along, I scanned the surrounding area and what did my eyes behold? 

A pair of underwear. Tighty whities. And they were dirty. Very dirty. 

They weren't even all that far off the path. Just laying to the side, a foot away, all soiled and lonely. 

I never understand how these things happen. It's like when you see a random shoe on the highway. How did it get there? Who's is it? And is there a foot inside? I mean, I can safely say I have never left my underwear out in nature. Even when you make a surrender flag out of them, you take it with you when you leave the woods. Underwear is expensive. Who are these people who can just discard it willy-nilly?

My friend naturally assumed someone had been out enjoying the pristine sights and soothing sounds of Mother Nature when they crapped their pants. His whole 'your outside this shouldn't have happened' comment was what first set me off this morning - just the utter bafflement in his voice. Being the classy lassy that I am, I came up with the theory that the person didn't actually crap their pants at all. They had explosive diarrhoea, squatted in the bush and, after making a mess of themselves, was forced to use their undies for clean up. 

It still doesn't explain why they discarded their underwear a foot from the path, though. Who does that? Put them in the garbage if you don't want them any more. Furthermore, who even wears tighty whities anymore? That was the most disturbing part for me. Well, and the poo streaks. 

And on our way back, when we passed the faecal garment for a second time, my friend said, "Well, I did say I was going to show you the sights." 

No matter where I go in life, when I think about that comment, I will always laugh. A perfect line at the perfect moment. The delivery priceless. And the memory has been made. Even now I can't compose myself enough to finish. 

Screw a teddy bear picnic. If you go into the woods today you're probably going to find discarded skivvies. Let's just hope they aren't dirty. Because let me tell you, that image will never, ever leave your head. You can't prepare yourself for things like this. But isn't that the beauty of life. We roll with the punches and go around the dirty underwear. 

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