Morning And Night

So, I have decided to get out of the house more. I find there are a lot of excuses as to why I can't, especially on work days. In the end, those are all bullshit. The harsh language only shows the seriousness of the statement. If I leave it up to myself, I will come up with reasons why I can't get out and breathe the fresh air.

As of July 1st, there have been no excuses. Yes, it's only July 3rd, but that's three days and we don't sniff at successes. We celebrate them. Because there is enough negativity and a little positive thinking goes a long way. In fact, it might just get me out of bed tomorrow morning.

They say routine kills you. I mean, I don't know who they is, but one of them is Paulo Coelho. He's responsible for the quote pictured below.

And it isn't that I disagree with him. No, I think adventuring and exploration, of mind, body and nature, is important. But I also think routine can help you out of a rut. If something is truly important and you make a habit of doing it, then maybe it transcends routine. Maybe then it becomes living.

I've decided to make reacquainting myself with the world part of my routine. Twice a day. Morning and night. 7AM and 7PM. I will be out in the world, breathing the air and moving my limbs. Right now, this is almost a chore. Don't look at my like I am lazy. It takes energy to tie those sneakers up. But I feel the benefits already. This is a nice way to start and end my day. It gives me time to gear up and down.

Okay, so this is routine right now. But I suspect by the end of the month, it won't be routine. It will be something I look forward to. Something I love. Moments I cherish because I am alone and reconnecting with Mother Nature. Eventually, I will only have one routine and it will be this:

This Is What Exercising Looks Like

Instagram is riddled with pictures of slender girls in workout clothes taking selfies of themselves with the hashtag 'getting fit' or 'working out'. For a long time, it was a conundrum to me. I mean, they aren't sweating. Their hair is perfect. Makeup in place. Fresh faced and fancy free. Have I been working out wrong? Because when I go running I can't do it without my face running down into my cleavage.

Then it dawned on me. Those perky, smiling, carefree girls with the expensive cross trainers and colour coordinated sports bra and stretchy pants aren't actually working out. Not yet. They are thinking about working out. Or they are standing in the gym. This is what 'before' looks like.

You know before. You've been there. 

Before the cramp in the side. Before the panting. Before the sweating and red face. Before the 'I'm so tired and I still have a mile to go' stage sets in. Before the lazy feet happen. And before the doubting. You know the doubting. It's the part of you that says you don't mind being unhealthy and maybe being fit is overrated.

Truthfully, there is nothing attractive about exercising. At least, there isn't when it comes to me. I get lobster faced and so sweaty someone passing by might actually wonder if I've just been swimming. Well, I haven't. I simply inherited my father's sweat glands. And my jaunty stride I had during the first kilometre gradually gets slower and more pathetic the farther I go, until it might actually be faster for me to crawl home instead of continuing to do this abysmal thing I'm calling running. . 

Because I am all about being honest, with myself and the world, this is actually what working out looks like: 

Actually, that's a pretty good picture. Look at my healthy glow! Here, this one is more accurate:

There's sweat in my eye! It hurts! And I stink. Like super bad. 

Anyhow, this is what exercising looks like. In my world. From the waist up. The waist down will never find its way onto the internet.

Hey, remember when we used to be told not to post any personal information on the internet, then we ended up posting everything on the internet. Weird how things change. 

Anyhow, if you're a girl like me that doesn't find themselves the most attractive, or even a fraction attractive, while sweating it out on the treadmill or while lifting weights, please understand you aren't alone. Working out isn't an attractive thing, but it makes us feel better in the end. Hopefully. 

Kiss The Sky

Spring is here.

Don't even think about going to look at the calender either because season come whether the month says so or not. And I can 120% confirm that spring is here. New growth, crisp air, mushy ground. All signs point to awesome.

Today, I finally broke out of hibernation (meaning laziness) and got off the couch. It's clear outside is where I'm meant to be. One of the most lovely factors of the great outdoors is that it doesn't matter if you're alone. Sure, you can bring a friend along, if you so please, but if you don't have any local friends, you can just head on out there all alone and not feel lonely at all.

Is it just me, or is it hard to feel sad in the forest?

There's a loop I do through the trails near my house that takes about an hour to complete. Two sections of it allow me to kiss the sky. It's high enough for me to feel on top of the world, but not so high that I have to pack a lunch to get there. When I'm standing there, looking over the village I live, I feel small, unimportant, a blip on the radar.

And that's just the way I want it.

My ripples on this earth will not be massive or memorable, they shall be small. But just like the baby waves take silt out to the ocean, I too will have some sort of impression. I am a cog in this machine but my intentions are good.

More than anything, I want to protect what makes me feel happy. Protect the feeling of standing on top of the world, being one with nature, a part of this earth. These trees and mountains and ferns, I want them to be here past my life, past the children I don't have lives, and their children too. And on and on and on and on. It makes me wonder why people want to tear it down.

It's almost like people forget it serves a purpose. Not only is it lovely and amazing, it cleans the air. Yes, trees have a function here on earth, just like all aspects of nature. They are important. They are also cogs in the machine Mother Nature crafted for us to enjoy. I am super lucky because I live in a beautiful place.

Anyhow, I sunk my feet in and kissed the sky today. I highly recommend you do the same.

Take pictures, too. It's always nice to capture what you love and show others.

It's Not Okay To Be Fat

You know what I am thinking about? How many people are trying to lose weight for their resolution.

A couple weeks ago a guy posted a comment about how it has become 'okay' to be fat. And how it is so not okay. I've heard enough fatist comments to understand they stem from ignorance and you can't change that sort of way of thinking. Not with a blog. Not with carefully crafted responses. Not even with a 'fuck you'.

But this is my place, space, home. And I am wondering where this guy came up with his information? Who ever said it was okay to be fat?

I have heard it out of zero mouths. That's a whole lot of no one.

Besides, who decides what fat is?

My boyfriend doesn't think I am fat, but I know a lot of other people do. My weight alone puts me in an overweight category, according to Dr. Googles (thanks for that, Dr. Googles, I thought we had something special). There are plenty of people who would be horrified if my thighs were their thighs. Or ass, for that matter. And men and women alike, all over the world, think I should dedicate more time and energy to upgrading this outer shell of mine.

But here's the thing. I like it - this shell. It's awesome, because it works. I mean, there are weird hairs and cellulite, stretch marks and jiggly bits, but it's mine. It functions. And it's kind of fabulous, if you squint and cock your head to the side.

For that I am grateful.

And is it not okay for me to be this size?

To some, yes. To others, no.

Fine, I am not obese, or gigantic, but I've been a lot heavier than this. I know how hard it is to lose ten pounds, twenty pounds, thirty pounds - actually, I lost fifty. Fifty pounds. It took a long time. A lot of work. And a complete mental overhaul. And even when I was 210 pounds, or 190, or 175, didn't I have the right to be okay?

Isn't it exhausting thinking you can lose fifty pounds and still be considered overweight?

That's the world we live in. If it isn't one thing, it's another.

So, no it isn't okay to be fat.

And, hey, even when you drop the weight, or half the weight, or get to your goal, it still won't be okay. Because we live in this incredibly messed up world where how you look will never be okay. Not to them. The masses. Society. Beauty magazines and peddlers of face cream and lip liner. They don't want you to be okay. Because if you're okay, you aren't buying into the diet fads and multi-billion dollar fashion/make up industry.

The truth is, I want you to be okay. Happy. Content. No matter what your weight is.

The facts are:

Every single woman (and a lot of men) in my life has made a comment about wanting to lose weight.

My friends, which there are a surprising ten, are not happy with the way they look in a bathing suit.

My Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr feeds all had people talking about how they are going to get in shape, drop the weight, stop eating poorly, exercise more.

No one seems okay with their weight.

You can't argue with that. It isn't okay to be fat. Not for any of the people I know - it isn't what people want for themselves. Except that one women whose goal was to weigh a ton.

It's why they count calories, feel guilty about eating a box of cookies for dinner on a Saturday night, skip meals, jiggle their bellies in disgust when they look in the mirror, obsess over how little exercise they get, and get sucked into crazy things like Isogenics, where they limit themselves to four hundred calories a day. They feel uncomfortable in their clothes, and out of them.

But isn't that the goal?

Discomfort means someone in the marketing world is doing something right.

I guess the 'why is it okay to be fat' comment irritated me because I know how un-okay it is. I don't consider anyone I know to be fat, or myself for that matter. That's the honest truth. But I know society does. I know how hard it is to lose weight. I know how frustrating it is. How sometimes it feels impossible to drop the bullshit, to let go of what's holding you back, and take the first step. Celebrating who you are is important, if you are skinny, average, chubby, obese. Just look inside and see the person you want to be. Strive to be them.

I know how damaging words can be, even stupid Facebook status updates that aren't 'directed towards you' but that hurt. Words cut deep. Because they are the greatest weapon ever used. And this thing called life? It's defeating. It's not easy. Some days, it's down right inconceivable to be okay. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a chore. And I get it. Digging yourself out of a slump requires tenacity, which is another word for energy, and that stuff doesn't come cheap. Change isn't a walk in the park on a sunny day. Change is a swim in the ocean during the most tempestuous storm Mother Nature ever conjured up and your companions are ravenous sharks. Oh, you have a cut on your knee too.

I know. I get it. I see how we are raised to dislike ourselves. To think there is always room for improvement. And how much money marketing and advertising companies make. They wouldn't make those kind of bones if it didn't work. Not to mention the chemicals in food, how they effect our bodies and brains. How over-processed what we eat and drink is. Also, how by the time we have the knowledge to make an informed decision, the damage has usually been done. High glucose corn syrup, I'm looking at you.  Did you know there are addictive chemicals in food? It's why you have cravings, and it exists.

In the end, there are a lot of things working against us. Because the FDA and big business love to cut corners, we kind of got screwed. But why do we continue to allow ourselves to be screwed? It's time to take responsibility, inform ourselves, and say no. I see a hell of a lot of people doing that, working towards just being okay.

And I think it SHOULD be okay for everyone to be okay. No matter what their weight is. There has been a huge 'love yourself' movement in the past decade with companies focusing on advertising with 'real' women. Laws to cut down on photo shopping. Fashion companies being forced to use models in all sizes. How is this bad? Why is it wrong for people to be happy with who they are? Accept who they are? Love who they are?

It is okay to be fat. Because I say so. 

Just like it is okay to be Christian, Asian, skinny, freckle-faced, tattooed and hairy.

I believe everyone has the right to just be. And maybe that's another thing I am grateful for. Being open-minded and compassionate enough to understand.

Besides, you're beautiful. Don't you know?

Retrain Your Brain

Let Them Eat Cake

After yesterday's all too emotional post, I said I'd write about cake. Because cake makes me happy. It's one of my top favourite things. Zombies. Puppy dogs. Silly love songs. And cake.

Well, cake is probably number one, but I put it lower as to not seem so...chubby. People don't need to know that I think about cake nearly as much as I dream of randomly bumping into Woody Harrelson on the street and having him falling head over heels in love with me. I mean, a girl has to keep some of her cards hidden. Ahem.

Anyway, cake is one of those things in life people think are bad, but (and this is one of the biggest secrets) cake is actually good for you.

Wait, what'd I say?

Cake isn't bad! Let's celebrate.

Now, before the party gets out of control, let me clarify. Eating a whole cake to yourself in one sitting is most likely a bad. Not only will it lead to a massive sugar crash, but, if your metabolism is as sluggish as mine, you're going to be needing an extra cart to carry your butt around behind you. But a piece of cake? It's not going to hurt you. Unless you are diabetic, then there could be a good chance it might, and I apologize for this callous post.

There's a song by Sloan, a fantastic Canadian band, called "If It Feels Good Do It" There is a reason the saying exists. We like to do things that make us feel good. Whether it is dancing in our underwear, taking a nap, or eating a piece of cake, our endorphins kick in and smiling is just easier. I know people are stumped, I mean, endorphins are related to exercise...And excitement  And cake is so exciting, which is why I highly encourage eating it. Or whatever your eating cake equivalent is. It might be a chocolate bar. Or french fries.

For those who remember, I'm vegan. And I've found there's this common misconception that vegan cake is bad. People always say how dense and tasteless these egg-less, dairy-less confections are. Well, someone is doing it wrong. They don't have to be thick, heavy slabs of dry horribleness. No. In fact, almost all of my baking is delicious and moist. Ugh. I hate the word moist, but it is needed here and so I forced myself to write it.

At heart, I am a baker. I dream of opening my own bakery where I can sell my vegan creations and  change their terrible reputation. Not only have I mastered cupcakes, but I've got brownies, breads and pies on lock down. That's right. Lock down. I feel slightly gangster even saying that. The truth is, a lot of baking, like pies, tarts, and muffins are usually only a hop skip and a jump away from being vegan.

With all that said, lemon cake is my favourite. With strawberry filling.