What A Year

I'm still here,  even though it feels as though I've been floating outside myself for most of this year. Honestly,  I will never be able to top the sheer craziness and wonderment the past 12 months has brought. With all the changes, life is completely different and yet I am the same person even though my reason for existing has shifted and turned me into a bit of a mess.

The world itself is a bit scarier and bigger, while my personal bubble has shrunk down to a tiny being with an impish smirk. Though the scariness remains the same. Big and small, how can the world be both at the same time? An eternal mystery.

I am me. Who I've always been. A little broken and a bit childish.  And yet I am mother now. Mama. Mum. Even though I had 9 months to come to terms and understand this,  it is still wholey unexpected and I dare say new every morning.

I cannot say what 2016 will bring but I have hopes.

Hopes for more love and kindness and excitement. Hopes for old friendships and new. Hopes to perhaps return to writing. Hopes to continue adventuring through the woods and across the world with the Timbit wrapped up close to me. Hopes for cake and hot baths.

Hopes for happiness.

2015 saw me breathing life into new person, wise beyond his four months, and watching him come into the world is more magical and frightening and wonderful than any other  thing. For that, this year will go down in history. My history.

Huh. I have a history!

Happy New Year!

Magic

I believe in magic.

Today, I walked past the ocean and ventured into the woods. The earth was damp from the tears Mother Nature shed the night before, leaving behind a sodden pathway and the most invigorating scent. And as I walked, I noticed the raindrops hanging off the withered leaves and bare branches. They sparkled in the sunshine, reminding me of the white lights we adorn our trees with, and I stopped to take notice.

It's easy not to notice. Easy to keep walking. Have headphones in and our eyes on our shoes. It's easy to pass the magic right on by.

No one has to tell winter to come. No one has to tell the season to change. The cycle continues no matter what. It turns and the warmth leaves as the cold rushes in. The year goes by. Leaves fall, only to grow again when spring returns.

This is magic.

To smell a new day. To hear the birds playing in the underbrush. To see the life of fungi poking up among the decay of Fall and to hold leaves bigger than our heads in our hands. To exist and be a part of something out of our control, something that will continue no matter what we do or say.

Magic is all around me.

Newsworthy - Or So I Think

The news is slowly creeping out, spreading to the far reaches of the world (a bit of a hyperbole), and is being met with astonishment, happiness, uncertainty and a bit of disbelief. Some people are over-the-moon, while there are those who are nursing hurt feelings, put off by being kept in the dark. It's hard to understand, I suppose, why one would keep the most wonderful thing they've ever done to themselves and their small inner circle. All these emotions are perfectly normal, but even though I can understand them, my little masterpiece is just that - my little masterpiece.

In the beginning, I wanted to keep it hush-hush because it was new and scary. I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out, what the outcome would be, and all that mattered was keeping it close to me. As time went by, I realized this was our experience, the Sidekick's and mine, and it wasn't necessary to share it with the entire world. Really, in the past nine months, the entire world has been just the two three of us. It didn't matter what other people thought. I didn't care to share it with everyone because I wanted to keep it to myself. It was my secret to revel in and enjoy. It was my journey. 

Yes, I could have posted belly photos and foetal updates, which many people do and is perfectly fine, except it was intimate for me. It was something I wanted to experience without the pressure of other opinions. Besides, I've always felt to live happily and healthily in this world one must keep a modicum of anonymity. Sounds crazy, huh? The girl who blogs and vlogs, who puts her face and words out into the world, actually advocates the power of privacy. This isn't a new thing. I've always felt this way and worked diligently to protect the privacy of friends, family and myself.    

We are so accustomed to seeing every part of everyone's lives and it's weird when we aren't in the loop. But I am a firm believer the loop isn't for everyone. The loop isn't intended for every Tom, Dick and Henry. The loop isn't made for all the people you have ever known, ever will know, and may know in the future. With social media comes responsibility. We are responsible for what we post, who we allow to see it, how safe we keep ourselves, and some of us open ourselves to be vulnerable in a space where vulnerability can be exploited. We've all seen someone (or many someones) post about the lack of support, love, responses, attention their updates receive. That's because even when you have nine billion friends on Facebook, you can still be overlooked, missed, and ignored. Quantity really is no replacement for quality, and that applies to social media and networking too. In private moments of need we turn to those people in our loop and if your loop includes everyone then you are going to end up being disappointed and, probably, feeling alone.  

My loop is reserved for those who have supported and loved me, shown me friendship in the dark times and celebrated in the light with me. 

Maybe this is hard for people to understand. Or maybe I'm making complete sense, for once in my life. But if anyone is taking it personally, please don't. It isn't personal - not for you. For me, it is. Very personal. For the Sidekick, too. And the Timbit, who came three weeks early and is utter perfection. Like I said, this is the most wonderful (and hard) thing I have ever done and I cannot tell you how incredible it has been. I am proud to be a mother. Incredibly in love with the little man who is sleeping soundly on my right side as I write this. And thoroughly amazed our family unit has grown. It's all so surreal. 

It's all so amazing. 

My Water Is Boiling Over

It feels like improper etiquette to disappear from blogging for ages only to pop up with a moan. I most likely could have come up with some fluff to post before the ho-hum of this post. Perhaps some marshmallow fluffiness to make you smile. Then again, if you can't be starkly honest on your blog, then where the hell can you? Fluffiness be damned.

For a long time, I used this space as a safe place to sound off and order my thoughts, to mend the rough mental path I was on. At one point, I totally found my way through the darkness and, I think, with some work, I'll get there again. When I reread those posts, I stumble through all those life changing realizations, only to come to the understanding that I am not happy. Not now. Not today.

Well, that's depressing to see in this Georgia font so plain and out there. 

Allow me to follow up with an amendment to that unpleasant factoid, I do have happy moments - sometimes often, sometimes many, but at the core of my everyday life, I am not happy. I am exhausted and worried, frustrated and lost. And honestly, I think this is how a lot of people feel. I do not think I am exceptional in my uncertainty or unique in my weariness. Quite the opposite, really. I think I am like most people. I am bumbling along, not sure what I am doing, trying to make a better situation for myself, holding out hope it will change, and I am making the right decisions. I don't know, though, not for sure. 

The funny think about happy moments? Those glimmering moments of happiness and freedom, the shiny spots in an otherwise scuffed and worn out life, are enough ... for now. Eventually, they will stop being enough, and I am hoping I can find my way back to peacefulness before they cease helping me out of bed and putting me to sleep. 

This is not a red flag. One does not need to send the cavalry to help, or post me care packages, nor do you have to fret over whether I will be okay. Because isn't that what we do? We push and pull through, we figure it out and solve the puzzle, we work through it. 

It's like boiling water. How you set a pot on the stove, turn on the heat and think to yourself how much time you have before it boils. You go off to fold the laundry, sweep the house, or open a small business, and when you come back those miniature bubbles are forming, and you think, "Boy, it takes a long time for water to boil, I'll go finish up a few other things." So, you set to it, trying to get as much done as you can, even though you know there is a pot on the stove, and it is going to boil. I mean, it's a certainty, barring the electric being shut off, or you running out of gas, if you have one of those types of ranges - you know that water is going to boil. Except, somewhere between driving a thousand kilometres a week, working six of the last seven days, and trying to prepare for the unpreparable (not a real word), you've forgotten about the pot and, low and behold, it's boiling over, the water spilling down the sides and hissing out its anger on the unforgiving element. You run for it, to take it off the heat, salvage the water inside, but sometimes it boils dry and you ruin a perfectly good pot. 

Well, my water is boiling over. And this post is me running to shut off the heat and save a perfectly good pot. As I sit here in my truck, parked at the side of the road, watching the sun and smelling the ocean, I know life isn't terrible, but that doesn't stop it from feeling terrible at times. Sometimes I simply hate self reflection. 

A Little Forethought Goes A Long Way

So, Michael Buble posted a photo of an unsuspecting woman in short-shorts on his Instagram with him smirking away in the foreground as her cheeky-cheeks winked cheekily in the background. He even dressed the post up with some hashtags about her hungry albeit beautiful bum and it turned out to be the internet news of the day. A lot of people are perplex about why this is a big deal, a few are wondering where the cries of 'body-shaming' are coming from, and some are wondering why his post has garnered such attention, especially when the post was intended to be complimentary.

After removing the controversial picture, Mr. Buble posted a statement about how he would never intentionally be 'insulting to a human' and how he thought women should be 'loved, celebrated and respected'. Well, I call bullshit, and this why what he did is unacceptable, rude, sexist and disconcerting (to me, at least). 

1. A lot of opinionated folks feel the only reason Mr. Buble is getting flack is because he's famous. In a lot of ways, this is correct, mostly because if an average Joe posted a photo of some unsuspecting woman on his Instagram it wouldn't have gone viral. Most people don't have over a million people on their Instagram accounts, or nearly eight million on their Facebook fan pages, which is where the picture appeared. An average, bonehead dude wouldn't be able to reach a million people with a press of a button, so one might think with the sheer girth of his social media platform, Mr. Buble (and wife) might have used their heads and thought, "Hey, maybe this isn't a good idea?" But they didn't. Of course, this doesn't mean they shouldn't be held responsible for the tripe they put into the world, right? 

2. After addressing his popularity, let's take it away - because it doesn't actually matter when you think of the underlying issue. The fact that he is a world-famous singer has only allowed us to shed light on the complete lack of privacy we live with. In the world of social media, it is easy to wave goodbye to our privacy, and this story simply proves we are a poor clothing choice and a share button away from being the next viral sensation. This doesn't change the fact that it actually isn't okay to pass along pictures or information of other people. As humans, it'd be nice if we respected each other enough not to take covert snapshots and share them to our social media followers ... unfortunately, this isn't the case. Simply put, if you want to share your own lives, clothing, children, work, then feel free, but exposing someone else without permission is a violation of their privacy. And it's wrong. No matter if you are Michael Buble or not. 

3. What bothers me most about this picture is the poster actually thought it was complimentary! I suppose the logic correlates with when men catcall women from the side of the road. As if this woman should be happy that her 'humps' are plastered all over the internet, that she should be thrilled because a celebrity found it attractive, and that she should accept his 'beautiful bum' hashtag with pride. Because nothing makes you feel better than being objectified, right? Who wouldn't want to be turned into a piece of meat and thrown to eight million rabid fans? And yet, I noticed he didn't say these things to her face - maybe because to have said them to her would have been super disrespectful. Well, that's just confounding, right? 

The core of the issue is that the objectification of women is so rampant most of Buble's fans (which are predominately female) jumped to his defence, claiming he was being 'nice' and 'flattering', and very few seemed to see the flip side - the extremely common oppression of women and acceptance of sexism. Even more irritating is Buble's claim of lack of intent. So, you didn't mean to be chauvinistic? Oh, I guess all is forgiven then. It's the 'boys will be boys' mentality, and quite honestly, it's getting pretty damn old. Imagine if this was your daughter. The girl in the picture could have been fourteen, for all we know. Horrifying, right?

And some people wonder why we still need feminism. Because every day we facilitate this type of behaviour, excusing it and condoning it. 

4. Alright, let's say the man just didn't think, and he honestly does love, respect and celebrate women, and he was just being funny ... One must ask the question: has he never been on the internet before? Has he never read comments on YouTube or Twitter? Did he seriously think this picture was going to be met with the same (cough) love, (cough) respect, and (cough) celebration he posted it with? (The coughing is because the words were sticking in my virtual throat and causing me to choke on the irony) This might be a newsflash to Buble, but the internet isn't exactly a nice place. People are mean, usually just for the sake of being mean, and he put this woman on display, holding her under a spotlight for the masses to critique. Now, I only read a handful of the comments, but I was disgusted. People were calling her fat, asking if she was blind, saying she clearly forgot her pants, and there were even utterances of 'whore'. Not only was she body-shamed, but her intelligence was called into question, and all I kept thinking was, she looks far better than I would in short-shorts.     

5. And through all the harsh comments and abrasive observations, there was a very unsettling theme of her responsibility. After all, she went out in public in the shorts, she was begging for the attention, she knew she looked good, and obviously she brought it on herself. Let's all call this what it truly is,  victimization and our ever-present ability to blame the victim when they are taken advantage of, violated and exploited. 

More annoying are the people who are asking WHY she wore shorts like that out in public. First off, it's Miami, I hear it gets hot there. Second, maybe she went for a run and they rode up a bit, or perhaps she has a huge wedgie and didn't feel a restaurant an appropriate place to pick it. Hell, maybe she wanted to show off the obvious hard work she puts into her body. The truth is, it doesn't matter the reasons behind WHY she put the shorts on and went out - she doesn't deserve to be plastered all over the internet and mistreated for wearing them. Whether or not we want to admit is, rape culture is pervasive in our society and it's evident when things like this happen. This woman is a victim of her privacy being violated, and is on the receiving end of sexism.

In the end, a little forethought goes a long way, especially when your platform can reach millions. The truth is, these types of things happen all the time, to women every day, and instances of sexism and exploitation are readily accepted to the point where a lot of us don't even bat an eye. From where I stand, if you truly love and respect women and want to celebrate them, then perhaps allowing them privacy would be a great first step. And I am talking to other women too. We do the exact same thing. Heck, it was Buble's wife who snapped the picture in the first place! This world is already so hard, how about making it a bit easier by thinking about how our actions and words can affect those around us. Make each post count.