Eyes Wide Open

No, this isn't about that horrid Tom Cruise movie. And it was horrid. No matter what anyone says.

Horrid.

This is about posting every day and how eyeopening it is.

It's been thirty days since I started this endeavour and I've come to see myself in a different light. So much of my day is guided by how I feel when I wake up in the morning. If I wake up tired, my posts are tired, lacking. When I arise with the sun and settle into my day smoothly, optimism shines through the words I put out to others.

And, not so surprisingly, the worst my mood, the lengthier my blogs are.

It's the emotional overload. I strive to get it out of me.

When something sticks in my craw, it needs to be explored before dislodged. This seems wrong.

Why am I not relishing and dwelling and mulling over the good things? Why do I let the bad things bother me so much?

Because it's easy to let go of the good things, to accept them, and release them into the wild.

But those bad things. We hold onto them. Unable to pry our self-sabotaging fingers off it. And we brood.

These things are backwards and I'm going to work on amending that.

The bright side, the happier I seem to be the more pictures I take and post. So, maybe that's an easy way to resolve things. Take more pictures. Post more snapshots.

Also, I heard people are more likely to click on a link if pictures are involved.

And I'm all about virtual foot traffic. Not.

Still, I am grateful I'm giving this a go. It's allowing me to take a closer look at myself. Yeah, that's scary and daunting, but it's good too.

Because I can't be the girl I want to be without knowing the girl I currently am.

Now, here's a picture of me, because that's what you want, right? Right???

Hello?

I Forgive You

So, I stumbled upon this quote that struck a chord with me. It might be because the past week has been a whirlwind of ridiculous emotions ranging from annoyance to an anger so fierce I desperately wanted to smash something to pieces, then back to a simple kind of sadness. Life gets derailed so easily, doesn't it? I mean, you're trucking along, then BAM the brakes fail just as you're peaking a monstrous hill, then you notice there are emotional sharks at the bottom waiting to devour you. 

Boy, I am colourful with the words today. 

But that's how it feels. 

Except, there are always indicators. Even when you're trucking along, there are warning signs, and intuition. We sometimes ignore it. Or miss it because we are looking out the wrong window. But it's there. Nagging softly in the back of our heads. 

I am still working through issues from when I was a little girl. Trust issues. Being scared of love being taken away from me if I don't behave a certain way. Fighting for attention. Sometimes I am the overweight, ratty haired girl just waiting for someone to notice her. Other times I am the stone cold, black-hearted woman who throws up a wall when she is disappointed and feeling foolish. I am fighting her. 

Seriously, we are battling it out. She has this double bladed axe of destruction, so sharp it'd slice through metal as if it were butter, and she wields it like a warrior. Just between us, I feel like I'm holding a toothpick in defence. Still, I'm pretty nimble on my feet and quick witted. 

It's as if I am waiting to see who wins this fight before I move forward, or backward. 

Truthfully, I don't have it in me to be mean. It's there in the back of my head, wanting to cause the same hurt done to me, trying to fall back into my old ways. Maybe I just want it known that everything is not OK. The thing is, I want to forgive. I know the anger will not go away until I do. And I know I will not move forward. (See why the battle with the She-Bitch is so important) That's why the quote hit home.  

Forgiveness is the final form of love. - Reinhold Niebuhr

I am working towards forgiveness.  

My sister filled me in on her infinite wisdom. She said forgiveness involves a conscious decision. It's important to pick a time and place, and tell myself I forgive, out loud, looking myself in the eye. This way, when the anger, resentment and hurt bubbles back up, I can remind myself I have forgiven. Hopefully this will sway me from being a jerk or placing blame. 

And, in her words, "The process requires mindfulness and consistent check ins with yourself. In the beginning, you will essentially be 'faking it until you make it' because it takes time to incorporate genuine forgiveness into your practice when your primary behaviour previously was to hang on to anger and never get to forgiveness." 

Yeah, she's a smart cookie. 

It's hard to forgive. I've never done very well with it in the past. Not with others. And most certainly not with myself. Learned behaviour, really. I remember my parents fighting and how they used to unearth all the old dirt. The hurts never went away. They never forgot or let go. Forgiveness is not something I'm well versed in. 

My ex, who knows far too much about me, said people make mistakes. They aren't always out to disappoint us. After all, it is the human condition to fuck up. Still, when it happens, it doesn't mean it was done maliciously, or intentionally. 

Writing this has made my toothpick stronger.