Black Death

It has not been a rip roaring start to Horror Fest. Last year I created a most awesome schedule, something I decided not to do this year because I wanted the freedom of changing my mind. The issue with having freedom - it's harder to make a decision. Instead of knowing what I am going to watch, I'm left to my own devices, which means scrolling through Netflix, wasting time on IMDB, and flicking through all the movies I actually own until something strikes my fancy. Problem is, my fancy is unusually picky this year.

Last night's movie of choice? Black Death.

Sounds promising, no? Well, I thought so. Who doesn't want to watch a movie about whether the bubonic plague is God's punishment? The secondary plot is one where devout Christians (one a Monk!) journey to a seemingly immune town that is shrouded in tales of necromancy and dark forces. Apparently, they are going to capture the ringleader and take him back to the Bishop, or some such tale. I can't be certain because I kept getting distracted by Sean Bean and dreaming of his Eddard Stark days.

Oh, yeah, Eddard Stark is in this. And true to Sean Bean roles, he doesn't exactly meet a happy ending. You know who else is in this? Melisandre, the red woman, also from Game of the Thrones. Carice van Houten. And it seems as though she also is suffering from a bit of typecasting because she seriously frowns on God in this one. Not the old Gods, but 'the' God. The big guy in the sky. She also seems to have some of her priestess powers, since she's raising the dead and all. This might have been the woman the Eagles were singing about. (A joke about the song Witchy Woman)

So, Black Death did have a few things going for it. The plot wasn't necessarily a terrible one. There were some choice actors. Except, once they got to the town, the whole thing sort of fell apart. Sure, there are some excellent gore scenes, including a man being torn apart at the limbs, but for the most part it lacked reasoning. For a movie centring around faith, it actually tiptoed around the serious questions it could have explored, including the reasoning behind this town blindly following Melisandre. The reasoning behind it? Because she was there. Not a fulfilling answer, to say the least.

Should you watch this? Why not. It is entertaining to a degree, just don't expect to walk away understanding it. Neither the religious zealots or pagans have many redeeming qualities and the one character they do take the time to flesh out (the monk) is more two dimensional than three. And not to give anything away, but the big plot twist is - there is no plot twist.

The tagline on the poster made me laugh - Journey into hell. More like, journey into meh. This is not a horror movie, no matter what IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes says.

And So It Begins ... Again

Last night, I couldn't sleep. At four, I was wide awake, but knowing I had to work, I hung out in bed. Hoping to drift in and out, so not to be a zombie while interacting with the public. From what I hear, no one like chatting with a drooling, lurching, unkempt woman with dark circles under her eyes.

In order to take my mind off what was keeping me awake, I started thinking about these ideas I have for books. There are these two I've been mulling over in my head for a couple months. One of them actually has been simmering in my brain stew for close to two years. Crazy, right? 

So, anyhow, last night at half past four, I came up with the first line to the one I've been thinking about the longest. Now, I was going to share it here, but I suddenly got all weird about putting it out into the world. As if someone is going to steal the first line to the book I have only penned a thousand words of. Sometimes I'm so silly. Besides, what's the chances the first line will even stay the same. Unlikely, right? I mean, none of my books have the same first lines they originally had! And yet, I'm still here waffling. 

Moving right along.  

Here's the thing - it's a vampire novel. Yes, vampires. You don't have to say it. I already know what you're thinking. I am thinking it too. There's this feeling at the nape of my neck and it makes me feel as if I'm wasting my time. Vampires are overdone, right? Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Vampire Academy, Anne Rice's books, Bloodlines, Marked and it goes on and on. Still, there's this little, tiny, mouse-like voice that is saying this will be different. My humblest opinion - the idea is rather ingenious. Not to pat my own back or anything, but there will be blood and darkness and true vampire lore. 

So, I started writing it. Mostly because I had a first line, but also because my early morning pondering finally made it clear where the beginning is. Honestly, I don't know what this is going to turn into - what with not plotting - and that excites me. I think this will be another 'for me' book, much like my pirate novel The Reign of Billie Blackwater. This will be something I write just for myself with the hopes someone else will see the beauty in the darkness. 

And so it begins ... again. 

If you are a writer, how long do you mull an idea before beginning? Do you wait for a certain point to start? Are you a plotter? And if you are a reader, do you like reading about people who are writing and their creative processes? 

I'm Getting Old - Day 10

It just so happens I fell asleep during the movie last night.

And it wasn't because it was bad. In fact, I loved it! Sadly, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. I guess an early night was in order. Does anyone else get sick during seasonal changes? Or is that just me?

Title: An American Werewolf In London
Year: 1981
Synopsis: Two American college students on a walking tour of Britain are attacked by a werewolf that none of the locals will admit exists.

Tagline: Beware the moon

Because I fell asleep, I can't give you a full review of this. I will finish watching it tonight and, if it falls to shit, I will detract my recommendation that you view this. From this statement, you might be able to surmise that I hadn't actually seen this movie before. Shocking, right? It truly is a classic. 

From the man who brought us Blues Brothers and Animal House, John Landis delivers one of the best werewolf movies of all times. In case you didn't know, werewolves excite me. Full moon. Silver bullets. This will be the third movie I've watched (or 2.5, because I took a snooze through some of it), and I'm kind of wish I'd put more on the Horrorfest schedule. (Breaking news, I actually know how to spell schedule now!)

Ten minutes before I fell asleep last night, I said, "This is really good." Those are the exact words that came out of my pretty little mouth. It just goes to show, the older you get, the harder it is to keep your eyes open. 

This movie actually reminds me of a long lost friend. It scared the piss out of him. He mentioned it on more than one occasion. So, whenever I think of this movie, I think of him talking about running home, too scared to look behind him. 

I'm safe because I'm in Canada and the monster on the moors can't get me. 

What I did see of An American Werewolf in London put me in a happy state. Werewolves done right. Vicious. Terrifying. And there's a sex scene in the shower. Everything a girl like me could possibly dream of. 

Go watch it. And ignore this sub par review. 

Double Feature - Day 9

To be honest, I'm not sure which of last night's movies to write about today. So, I think I'll do both of them. And why not? It's my blog after all and I can do whatever I damn well please. Within reason.

So, watch out world, this wild woman is getting crazy up in here!

And so ...

Title: The Descent
Year: 2005
Synopsis: A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators.

Tagline: Scream your last breath.

Once upon a time, a girl named Sarah loses her husband and daughter in a car accident. Sometime later, she convinces her friend Juno to put together a spelunking expedition. Of course, they end up in a cave that basically implodes on them, trapping the girls. Also, one of the six wants a moment of glory and doesn't tell the others there is no map. Oh, and the cave has never been explored before. Now they have to find their way out. Since this is horror, you can probably guess not all of them make it out alive.

And there is something else going on. 

There are these beings down in this cave. Who happen to have cannibalistic tendencies. 

That being said, I really liked this movie. Not only were the 'creatures' fantastically frightening, but all the actors could hold their own. For a movie centring around six girls down in a dark, dank hole, it was surprisingly enjoyable. I didn't find myself annoyed over the banter at all. Granted, the Sidekick didn't understand any of the jokes at the beginning of the movie and had a perplexed sort of confounded look to him until they actually got down into the cave. Despite what he may think, the beginning is important because it shows the girls just being girls. Bluntly, the director and writer collectively are doing their damnedest to show how 'normal' and generally happy the friends are. 

Sure, the movie does leave us wondering a few things, like how these creatures came to be down in this cave and where they came from. But that didn't detract from the plot at all. In fact, I liked it. I used my own imagination and choose to believe they were once human and, over time, turned blind and got super quick speediness. Because I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, I won't touch on  why I am glad I did what they did. 

And as we all know, I love when people play with words and titles with double meanings totally tickle my fancy. The Descent - not only do the girls go down in the cave, but they also journey into madness. Two thumbs up. 

But it left me with one question ... can overweight people spelunk? Some of those cracks and crevices looked a bit small for my fat ass. 

Title: Haute Tension (High Tension)
Year: 2003
Synopsis: Two college friends, Marie and Alexa, encounter loads of trouble (and blood) while on vacation at Alexa's parents' country home when a mysterious killer invades their quiet getaway.

Tagline: Hearts will bleed.

It's impossible for me to avoid spoilers with this review. If you want to watch this movie and don't want me spoiling it, go do it now and then visit this post afterwards. I'll wait for you. 

You're back! (Or you never left) 

People all over the internet are raging about the twist ending for High Tension. They don't understand how it is feasible to have Marie be the killer. The thing is, people are over-thinking things. Once they see the twist, they start picking out all the inconsistencies, like the man using a severed head to give himself fellatio and the scene in the greenhouse. They ask questions like, who was she racing in the car chase? And, how did she get all cut up by the killer when fighting him?  To put it simply, they are remembering movies like Fight Club and Sixth Sense and comparing the two. By doing so, they are missing the point.

The point being ... Marie is batshit crazy. She has multiple personalities. And she's made up most of the movie, by superimposing her normal self into the scenes with the killer. Some parts probably didn't happen at all, while the rest have been severely altered. This isn't a follow the clues and figure it out before the twist happens kind of movie. It isn't a clever-we've-hidden-hints-throughout-for-you film. It's simply a horror movie with a twist ending that negates everything that happened.

And I liked it.

My only questions being, is it standard for people with multiple personalities to be aware of their other personalities? And was cute, pseudo lesbian Marie her true personality? And when did this killer personality manifest? Why? Did Alexa ever notice anything odd about her friend?

After watching it for a second time, I think it was good. All the other actors do indeed act weird around Marie, even when she is trying to 'help' them. Like Alexa being all freaked out in the truck and the mom asking 'why, why, why?'. If I had to choose a rating, seven out of ten. And I stand by it.

Another Miss - Day 8

On the 8th day of Halloween, I learned my lesson and will not be letting other people contribute to my Horrorfest schedule from this day forth. And here is my review.

Title: Pumpkinhead
Year: 1988
Synopsis: A man conjures up a gigantic vengeance demon called Pumpkinhead to destroy the teenagers who accidentally killed his son.

Tagline: For each of man's evils a special demon exists...

This year, I took into consideration my sidekick. I asked for suggestions. Well, let's just put it this way, I wasn't expecting this colossal flop of a movie. Especially since Mr. Sidekick was earnestly excited over watching it. It was later to be revealed that he hadn't actually watched it since his teenage years. And, as we all know, the things we loved as teenagers aren't always what we love as an adult. For example, I cannot mix all the soda pop at the fountain together to make swamp water any more. It simply does nothing for me. 

That said, I gave it a go. Mostly because I hadn't seen it before and, just between you and me, I secretly hoped for a monster wearing a pumpkin on its head. Or, even better, a jack-o-lantern. Boy was I let down. 

Not only did Pumpkinhead lack someone wearing a carved pumpkin on their head, but it also missed out on the opportunity to be great. In theory, this should have worked. I mean, all the plot points were there. A man's son dies so he goes to visit the resident witch where he sets about summoning a demon to kill the teenage hooligans responsible for the kid's death. That right there is a rock solid plot! It can't get any better! 

Unfortunately, the basics of a great story isn't always enough. Atrocious acting, lack of meat, poor characterisation, and too many questions left for any viewer to be content. Where did Pumpkinhead come from? Why does the witch know how to summon it? How long has it been exacting revenge for humans who summon it? Why didn't the five other friends overpower the one dick head who hit the kid and insist they stick around? 

Really, the laundry list of whys are a mile and a half long. 

Such a shame. Because this movie could have been great. It isn't gory. Or suspenseful. Moderately confusing. And down right disappointing. Now, can someone please do this movie justice by remaking it, slapping a pumpkin on a monster's head and fleshing out a understandable plot? Also, please hire actors that can at least display more than three emotions. Thanks. 

Doesn't look like a pumpkin head to me!

Pet Cujo - Day 4

Friday night kicked off the Stephen King weekend here for Horrorfest! Which means, I am partaking in movies based on King novels. I did in fact watch two movies last night, Pet Sematary and Cujo, but I'll only be reviewing the first, because the later makes me sad. There is something about the neglect of Cujo that gets me angry. I mean, did no one notice the gigantic wound on his poor little nose? These people deserved to be eaten.

Anyway, on we go.

Title: Pet Sematary
Year: 1983
Synopsis: Behind a young family's home in Maine is a terrible secret that holds the power of life after death. When tragedy strikes, the threat of that power soon becomes undeniable.

Tagline: Sometimes dead is better. 

As a pet lover, I'm not to sure why I chose two animal horror movies for one night. That said, I really love Pet Sematary, even though it does suffer some flaws. Let's talk about why I love it first and tackle the 'meh' parts after. 

Right off the bat, this is a zombie movie even though it rarely is ever recognized as one. The proof is in the pudding. The dead come back to life and they dine on people. No matter how you cut the pie, it still equals cannibalistic dead person. Zombie. Still, you won't ever find this in the zombie-fest movie line up, which I always thought rather curious. Why is it this movie isn't given the credit it so deserves? It's missed classification make me feel it is a hidden zombie classic that perhaps only I recognize the genius of.

Another thing you have to enjoy about Pet Sematary is Fred Gwynne. The minute he steps on screen I have to repeat 'Herman Munster' six times, just so everyone in the room knows that this man is the iconic Herman Munster from the hit television show The Munsters. Anyone, who is anyone, who loves horror, will know this man and how awesome he is. His voice is legendary and whenever I hear it I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly and imagine him telling Eddie the ups and downs of life.  Oh, hell, I'll just put it here so we can move on. 

From that point on, there is a lot to like about this short movie. The little kid who plays Gage does a bang up job and is very convincing as a demonic brat who just wants to play. Granted, his sister is the most terrible child actor ever to exist, but I hear balance is necessary in life. By far and wide, Church, the family cat, steals the show. Though, I always wondered why Church always seemed to hate Louis, the dad, so much. Right from the opening he only had hisses and growls for the man. Makes me suspicious. 

That said, for a movie called Pet Sematary, there isn't a heck of a lot happening with pets, other than Church's reanimation. There is a veiled back-story that involves a dog, but after not watching this movie for awhile it surprised me that there is actually a very minimalistic pet factor throughout. 

Now for the flaws. Well, I don't understand why Rachel takes the kids to go to her parents' house for Thanksgiving. After all, this is her family and they just got a brand new home, why doesn't she make dinner for the four of them and invite Herman Munster over to join them. Another confusing factor is the suicide of the neighbour. She hanged herself because of cancer, though I am uncertain how this contributes to the plot at all. I am assuming it is to breech the subject of death with Ellie, the daughter. Though it is never truly explained. 

Finally, why doesn't Louis Creed learn his lesson. The ghost of Pascow delivers a message from beyond the grave, heeding Louis of the power of the Pet Sematary. Still, he buries Church there. Then Jud, Herman Munster, better known as Gwynne tells tales of the people and animals who came back after being buried in the Pet Sematary. They are never the same. 

Still, he buries Gage there. Big mistake. And even after having to kill his son afterwards, rather unfairly, as Gage thinks, he still ends up digging a grave for his wife there. The delusional fools seems to think it will be different this time. But it is never different! It makes me think this man deserves what he got. I mean, he was warned more than once. 

This is an entertaining movie and actually quite fun. I have to confess, I think Rachel Creed's history with her sister is absolutely disturbing. And apparently, they couldn't find a woman bony enough to play the part, so Zelda is actually a man! If that doesn't entice you to give it a go, I don't know what will. 

On The First Day Of Halloween

Simply put, I wait all year for October to begin. It isn't just because of Horrorfest, it's also the leaves turning colours and crisp air, apples and scarves, candy and pumpkin pie. You can't go wrong. There is a reason people love scary movies. There is something amazing about being terrified while being safe and sound. That kick of adrenaline when the closet springs open and, despite what the PC brigade says, horror movies often have very well timed comedic relief.

So, Horrorfest commences with the very first movie!

Title: Hellraiser
Year: 1987
Synopsis: An unfaithful wife encounters the zombie of her dead lover, who's being chased by demons after he escaped from their sado-masochistic Hell.

Tagline: It will tear your soul apart.

It is because I love to start things off with a bang that I selected Hellraiser. For those of you who do not know, Clive Barker wrote a little novella called 'The Hellbound Heart' and that is what this shining cult nugget of awesomeness is based off.

What most people fail to realize about Hellraiser is that it actually is a romance. No, really. It is a demented and sticky love story between Frank and Julia, both mentioned in the synopsis above. I mean, it gots to be love when the chick is killing random men for her fleshless lover to feed off! Of course, there is an end game. He wants his body back.

Temptation is not something anyone in this family knows how to resist. Not even Kirsty Cotton, who despite knowing exactly what the box is about, still opens it. What a dummy. Fortunately, she finds a loophole and tosses her demented uncle under the bus, not literally. Figuratively. And because Pinhead, who is actually only called Lead Cenobite in this film, is so reasonable, he actually agrees to let her off the hook in exchange for Frankie boy.

Or does her? Since there is a Hellraiser 2 and Kirsty is back in action there, I think not.

Honestly, the most disturbing part of the movie is the opening scene when the box is first being purchased in the marketplace. All those dirty nails. I mean, haven't these people heard about manicures? Ugh.

I would write to you all about the reasons I love Pinhead, but I already did that last year and you can read it here if you are so inclined. It's a good read, I highly recommend taking it for a spin.

Like so many things from the eighties, this movie does suffer from the evil bitch called time. The special effects are outdated, skin ripping scenes are actually humour, but still it is a gem. To me, the campiness makes it that much better. I think about how people were terrified by this movie, can hear the screams in the theatre, and how people had to close their eyes. Then it gets me wondering about how desensitized we are in this day and age.

Oh, well.

If you haven't seen this movie, you have to. There are some terribly funny lines. And it's worth the the 86 minutes of your life. Trust me, you aren't doing anything better at the moment. Don't you want to know what 'demon to some, angel to others' means?

And no, it isn't my dating profile slogan. Although, that's a rather brilliant idea!