Dear Lover - An Open Letter

Dear Lover,

I don't know where in the world you are or what you're up to, but you're on my mind. Not because of what day it is. No. Today is not any more important than yesterday or tomorrow. Not when it comes to you, because you're always on my mind - regardless of special occasions. Today my thoughts of you do not come out of obligation or because they are expected, like they do for others. No, today my thoughts of you are organic. Natural.

In fact, I dedicate a thought to you every day. Sometimes two. Or three. Or four.

And each thought consists of wonder, what-if, awe, hope, patience and, most importantly, of love. Sometimes the thought is fleeting and other times it lingers, keeping me company as I go through the motions of the day, as I tow my line, as I stumble along my path.

The fourteenth of February holds no significance to me, except it's another day in which I wait. And wonder. And this, well, this is my message of love.  

Lover, I've made mistakes.

It's true. At times, I've been impatient and pushy, selfish and cold. I've hurt people. And, I've allowed myself to be hurt by others, more times than I can admit. To some, I've given too much. To others, I've given too little. The truth is, I've demanded much more than I am entitled. Wanted things I knew people couldn't give. Needed things people would never provide.

There are moments I am not proud of. Moments of weakness, fright, lust, pettiness, and, though it embarrasses me to admit, moments of viciousness. Of true callousness. There have been things I've uttered in anger that have been razor sharp and cruel. In the heat of the moment, I've let things pass through my lips that never should have escaped into this world, simply because they are mean. Hateful. Riddled with disappointment and sorrow.

I told myself they were said for the sake of honesty, but that is a lie. They were said out of panic, pain and the clawing knowledge of being completely off course and hating the person I was. These are excuses, though. And I take responsibility for my mistakes. My anger. My childish temper tantrums. My harsh words and actions. I take responsibility for the heartache I've caused. But these are things I cannot take back.

Lover, you've made mistakes.

And like mine, yours cannot be undone either. The things you've said and done. The insensitivity, hurt, sorrow, harsh words and careless actions, the indifference. None of it can be erased. I will know your mistakes because they are similar to mine. I will recognize them and understand they are a part of you. The same goes for all the things you've done right. And the other lovers you've given a part of yourself to. They are what has brought you to me. Brought us to our beginning.

It is your past, and I know I can't change it. That it is yours and yours alone. It is not mine. I have no place in it. I cannot dabble or dwell. I cannot be jealous, angry, or upset. On the other hand, I cannot try to heal you of it either. The grief and pain you hold in your heart are yours. Not mine. And I cannot clear them away or make it better. It is up to you to do that.

Lover, I understand.

I understand you've been hurt and you understand I have. And I know there are things you need, things you want, ones you can express and ones you can't. I understand the need to take time. To grow. To heal. To live and stretch our wings and go slow. To find ourselves. I understand how far away we are, but also how close we could be. And that our paths will cross when they are meant too.

Above everything else, I understand that when I see you, I'll recognize you.

It isn't a matter of your face. But a matter of your heart. I understand the beauty you posses without you showing me. Your light shines through, it always has, and it always will. It will help me. As I hope my light helps you. I understand it will take awhile for our possibilities to manifest themselves. And I understand I must be patient.

Lover, don't give up.

Our past paths are riddled with broken promises, brutal truths, lies we've told others and the ones we've told ourselves. You carry your past with you, as I carry mine with me. But we cannot mend the hearts we've broken, except our own. In order to do so, we must keep moving forward. And the easiest way to undo the bad we've done is to do a little bit of good.

Love is good.

To love is the only way through the darkness, the only way through the desolation and solitary ways we covet. It's the way to the truth. To see what exists beyond. To come to terms with why we are here. How we will get through. Where we are going. And when it will all pull together and make sense. If anything, we must keep hope, have faith and never give up.

This space and distance, this without-ness, doesn't exist. I'm always with you, and you with me. Even though we've never met. Even though we've never touched. You dwell in my heart. You have a permanent residence there. You are at home with me. We are never alone.

Lover, I promise. 



I will surrender, fall on my knees, give over to love. And embrace the nice things. Cherish the sweet things, the ones that leave me light and happy and warm. Remember the good times. And learn from the bad. To enjoy every second. No matter how fleeting our moments our, I will hold them near my heart and let them speak for themselves.

I promise to show affection.

At times, I will let my hands do the talking. My mouth will taste yours. I will swallow your secrets and keep them as close to me as my own. With my lips, I will show you what desire is, and ply kisses to every part of you. I promise to make love to you and allow you to make love to me. And, when you are not near, I will make love to myself with the memory of your body and hands and laugh and soul.

And I promise to remain true and honest. I will watch what I say and not let fear, doubt, worry and hurt guide me. I promise to simply exist in your presence. To laugh. To cry. To give you the full rainbow of my emotions. To trust you. And trust myself. My heart. My gut. My intuition. My choices. Above everything else, I promise not to taint our love with cynicism. I promise to be open to love.

I guess what I am saying is...

Lover, I love you.

Unconditionally. Without question. Without reason. Without understanding. Without pain. Without worry. Without fear. Without heartache.

Wherever you are.

Whenever you appear.

Whoever you're with.

However you will take it.

I love you.

~T