Christmas

I have never really been a fan of Christmas. I know that is sad. I know it is. Especially when you are a child, it is a season you are supposed to love. I was always so tired. It took so much energy. And there were times that I simply spent my time watching and wondering when it would be over.
There are a couple Christmas memories I have that I would share but they would probably make you sad, they are my earliest memories.
We always did everything right. We put the cookies out, we hung our stockings, we wrapped the presents, we had the turkey dinner. But everything just always turned out wrong.
My parents tried but with six kids things just didn't work out. There was fighting, crying and foot stomping. I honestly think my parents had too many children and that was the cause for a lot of the strife.
As I grow older I come to terms with the fact that Christmas can be whatever I want it to be. There doesn't have to be fighting, though usually there is some sort of bickering.
My family is different from Jay's. He loves Christmas. He is family orientated. He loves the hustle and bustles of the malls, I think to the point where he even likes the line ups. He loves the food. He loves the chaotic feelings. The rushing about.
I do not.
I want to curl up in a blanket with a book and just sleep and read.
Unfortunately, I have to participate. It is a duty of being his wife. I mean he cuts me some breaks. I know he would understand if his childhood was like mine, but it wasn't.
We are really different. I am introverted and he is extremely extroverted (though he denies this, which I find funny.)
One thing I do love love love about Christmas is giving. I do love to give gifts. I love spending money, and getting useless crap for people. I like telling people what they mean to me.
So in the spirit of Christmas, I put my game face on and I play. I think one day Jay will know that I try, even though he doesn't think I do.
This got heavy. So I will tell you this Christmas story.

When I was about ten my mother bought me a new Christmas dress. I wanted to impress everyone and show everyone how lovely I was. When in reality I was awkward and weird. So there I was with my purple floral patterned dress, smiling (without teeth because my teeth smile is hideous) and looking looking for compliments. I remember my brother Michael told me I looked pretty. This made me delighted. Then I got a mad stomachache and felt like crapping myself. Then I spent an hour in the bathroom. Stripping my clothes off and then wrapping a towel around myself. I am not too sure why but when I had a stomachache I felt better naked. Then when I was done I put on my fancy Christmas outfit, then went to bed. Without Christmas dinner.
That was the last time I dressed up for Christmas. I learned my lesson.

So This Is Christmas

Today I exchanged gifts with Leppy.

I have no words to describe the card, but it made me laugh so hard I cried.

I would explain it for you, but I would do it no justice. So instead...I will post it here for your enjoyment.

The Truth

I hate the way tear (crying) and tear (rip apart) are spelled the same.

Leppy just ranted in my cubicle.
I love it when that happens.
Breaks up my day.

And I love rants.

Except about stupid stuff, like football and male pattern baldness. I mean really? Who cares? Certainly not I.

There is one of the guys that we hang out with who is clinging to his hair like it is a life preserver and he is on the titanic. Let it go Jack, Rose would be proud.

The other day whilst wrapping gifts Etnie sat in some plum sauce and decided to do a obstacle course through the house. Now everything is sticky. He is such an asshole.

Life is weird.

New Rant

Do you ever just want people to shut up?
The other day I was over hearing a story and I wanted to yell, "SHUT UP!" at the girl speaking.
No one cares about how much she eats, or what she eats, or how long she works out at the gym so that she can eat whatever she wants. The health mongers are the worst people to listen to talk. The calorie counters are right up there as well.
At my place of employment people love to talk about food and exercise.
You know what I like to do with food? Not talk about it, eat it.
And you know what I love to do with exercise?
Do it and not talk about it.
I hate, hate, hate it when someone tells me how many calories my food has, or how long it would take on an exercise bike to work it off. Go Away! I do not care.
Bah!
Next time I over hear this twitty witch talking about what she is eating, or what she wants to eat, or what she may be eating in the future I am going to throw a rotten tomato at her head.
I will find one, and I will pitch it at her head.
A promise.

Funny To Me

I was reading the forum on Autho today and I came across a thread that talks about the usage of the word "duh". Now I don't use this word. Or at least I thought I didn't.

One person posted a link where they had searched the word 'duh' and all these instances came up where it was used.
I was on this page. Posted below was what I said which contained the word 'duh'. Still laughing.

Click the picture to enlarge.

Another clear cut case of me being a smart ass:

Oh My

I have a crush on Matthew Gray Gubler.
He is on Criminal Minds.
His hair is long.
He has cool drawings and paintings and shit.
His webpage is nutty, which I find great.
He is handsome.
Crush. Me. I have one.
http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/

Stuff You Don't Need To Know About Me

I am stealing this from Leppy. It is two in the morning on Friday night and I am bored.
Here are 101 boring, useless, and random facts about me.

1. When driving in people's cars I often have a tendency to brake on the passenger side floor or reach out for the dashboard when I feel we are going to smash into the back of another car. As if I have a steel arm that will prevent me from flying forward if we crash. That said, I have never been in a car that rear ended someone.

2. I have been in a car that has been rear ended, twice, both time with Leppy.

3. Bruce Springsteen is my favorite artist. I can't help it.

4. When I was in grade 7 I slapped a girl for being annoying. I was at camp. I lost all my friends because of it.

5. Halloween is my favorite holiday, it isn't even a holiday. I think it is dressing up and candy, which I also like.

6. I talk in my sleep. Coherent talk that doesn't make sense. It freaks people out.

7. I find Zac Efron pretty. This goes against everything I standardly find attractive in men. I should hate him, but I can't. I think he is a cyborg sent here to destroy us.

8. I love rap music.

9. Snoop Dogg is my favorite rapper.

10. I can read super quick. How much I retain is another question.

11. People think I am funny. I don't think I am funny.

12. My sister calls me Bean. is my nickname.

13. Fall is my favorite season

14. I don't really like christmas. It depresses me. I get disenchanted.

15. I honestly think I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born in the fifties. I love the cars, clothes, music and movies. It got to the point where I seriously dreamed about living in this era. All through my teenage years I felt misplaced because I thought I should have been in the fifties.

16. The first love of my life was my dog Patches. He was a great dane cross. I got him when I was born, he died when I was seventeen.

17. My middle name is Louise. I contemplated going by this growing up because I didn't like my name. Still don't really. I don't think it suits me.

18. I find it weird when people use my name when they talk to me. Face to face. HI Tee. Weird. Just weird.

19. I bought a 85 dollar jacket in NY. I love it, but secretly I am appalled I spent 85 dollars on a jacket. It is the most expensive article of clothing I have.

20. The other day Leppy said I looked like a tough-guy in said jacket. That made my day.

21. I make fun of everyone. I can't help it. It is a reflex.

22. The Irish accent makes me weak in the knees.

23. I have trust issues. No matter how hard I try I always think people are going to fuck me over.

24. I love accessories. Scarves, hats, purses, necklaces, bracelets, earings. You name it. I love it.

25. I love John Water's movies.

27. Welcome Back Kotter was my favorite TV show when I was a kid.

28. I have read the book The Outsiders about a hundred times. I know it word for word. I also love the movie. It has the best cast. Tom Cruise. Emilio Estevez. Patrick Swayze. Rob Lowe. Matt Dillion.

29. I am a jeans and hoody girl. I pair them with Converse shoes.

30. I love dancing. But hate going dancing with people who take it so seriously. I like to dance like a fucking fool. I am not delusional, I know I look ridiculous. and so does everyone else. why do they do that sexy pouty mouth? It is ugly.

31. I miss living with my sister and hanging out with Lisa all the time.

32. I am currently listening to Empire of the Sun-We Are The People. Mark sends it to me all the time and I saved it to my Youtube playlist, it just came on.

33. Jay has this monkey his ex gave him. Leppy told me it had a voice box in it with his ex speaking. It didn't. I punch the monkey when I walk past it. It is habit now.

34. I am 5'9. When people as me if I smoke I say, No I want to be 5'9 like Cindy Crawford. It is a line from Clueless, only two people have ever known what I meant when I said this. Leppy was one of them.

35. There are only three people I can tell anything too. Patricia, Lisa and Leppy. I do not censor myself around these people. There is no point, they know me inside and out.

36. I have never drank any alcohol in my life. Never. And I mean never.

37. I have also never smoked a cigarette. not a puff.

38. Nor have I done drugs.

39. That said, I think I would make a really good pot head. I often have pot head humor and I love snacks. Snacks are the best.

40. In the past couple months my swearing has quadrupled.

41. I am vegan. But I don't preach. I hate people who preach. And I hate it when people preach to me.

42. Ignorance is my biggest pet peeve

43. I often rant.

44. I know a lot about a lot of things. What I don't know, I will look up.

45. I feel lost if I don't write. I have to write. The world ceases being acceptable if I don't write.

46. It is a common fact knownst among the people who know me that if I were to cave and eat something non-vegan it would be cheesecake.

47. Music speaks to me. I can't function without it. I am always singing. I am always looking for new stuff.

48. Horror movies are my favorite. I love being scared. I love the classics.

49. My celebrity crush? William Powell

50. I have wrote three books (completed, not edited though) and I have five I am writing now.

51. Being alone is what I like. I am never lonely when I am alone. I am only lonely when others are around.

52. Despite what people think I am extremely introverted. It takes a lot out of me to go out in public and I often have to force myself to go out with friends, especially if it is a big group.

53. I see Leppy more than I see anyone else. We haven't, to my memory, fought. Probably because she is unconfrontational and I simply don't care.

54. Bath products are my vice. I can't go to Shoppers Drug Mart without buying bubble bath or some form of face wash. I like to be clean.

55. My best feature are my eyes. They are green and the only thing I am happy about.

56. I am lewd, crude and full of attitude. It was the way I was raised.

57. When I was in grade 7 we went to an old fashioned schoolhouse and my parents made me dress up in a old pinafore and bonnet. It was horrifying. my hair was in braids.

58. People are often intimidated by me. I think it is because of my great posture. Or the fact that I don't smile at random.

59. I furrow my brow all the time. Even in my sleep.

60. We had a ton of bunnies when I was growing up. I rewrote Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and changed it to a song about our rabbits. I think it went, Big Jack the English rabbit, had a very fuzzy nose. Oh boy.

61. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep.

62. I long to have an Irish Wolfhound.

63. Rebs changed all my 'Oh My God's" to "oh my stars" in my book Seeking Eleanor. If I didn't think it was so funny I would have been annoyed.

64. I have known Jay since I was little. He says I used to be the saddest girl in the world. I probably was.

65. When I was in grade five my teacher had gumballs in her cupboard. I used to volunteer to bang the erasers so that I could steal her gumballs.

66. I am obsessed with nautical things. I want to be a pirate.

67. When I was 17 I moved out of my parents house. I have lived on my own since.

68. My favorite color is green.

69. Yes, I am really flexible. No, I won't show you.

70. People think I am tough as nails. I can be, but for the most part am sensitive to a fault. I think people can cry, but crying for me is weak.

71. I have almost been up for 24 hours. This does not impress me

72. If I don't want to talk to someone I will avert my eyes and not make eye contact. They clue in pretty quick that I am not interested.

73. My temper is quick. I inherited it from my dad.

74. Oliver and Etnie make my life better. If I think about life without them I get really sad.

75. I most likely have a song associated to you, if I know you that is. Even randoms I have songs picked out for them.

76. Tonight watched The Men Who Stare At Goats. It was funny. I laughed. And yawned a lot cause I was tired. There was a line up outside for New Moon. I wanted to stab my eyes out. I didn't. When I entered our theater i said to Nick and Rae-Anne, "did you see all the cherries waiting to be popped out there?" The woman behind us gasped in disgust.

77. When i was a little girl I made my dad rent The Boy Who Could Fly about a hundred times.

78. I have really violent dreams, they started when I was a little girl, they are less frequent now but are horrifying enough to keep me up at night.

79. Sometimes I wish I could run away from home. I can't because I am an adult. It sucks.

80. For some reason I don't think I am going to grow old. I guess that means I think I will die young.

81. I am really annoyed right now. To the point where I kinda want to suffocate Jay. Not sure why, he really hasn't done anything. Oh well.

82. My birthday is coming up and I am not looking forward to it. It is always a disappointment. Last year I had a big fight on my b-day.

83. Lately I have been super tired. No one seems to understand me when I say this for they still harass me about going out. sometimes I want to say, leave me the fuck alone. and sometimes I do say it.

84. I love eating grapes and pretzels. At the same time.

85. I think it is perfectly acceptable to have popcorn for dinner.

86. There are certain names that I love calling people, dipshit and fuckface are two of them.

87. I know you think I am crazy. I am okay with that.

88. I think i am crazy too.

89. When I was in grade eight I convinced a kid Billie Joe from Green Day was my brother.

90. No one ever wants to go play mini-golf. What the fuck is that about?

91. I am a huge flirt. I can't help it.

92. You cannot offend me unless you are directly attacking me. Your lewd crude comments wont though.

93. My mother hated the fact that I had my walls covered with posters and crap when I was a teenager. On my door I had a sign that said, drugs do you.

94. I have scrap books. I always want to look through them but no one wants to do it with me. sucks.

95. The sound of a spoon being stirred in a glass drives me insane. When he makes chocolate milk it is enough to make me want to knock the glass from his hands and pitch a fit.

96. I hate the sound of someone cutting their nails. it is freaking disgusting. Go away.

97. It is most likely that if you are looking for sound reasons to not buy something, do not turn to me. I will encourage you and reason the purchase for you.

98. My favorite scent is citrus smells. And green apple.

99. My mother once told me if I ever got a tattoo she would cut it out with a knife. I have four now.

100. The only thing I ever crave that isn't vegan is cheesies.

101. I don't know what I am doing. Ever.

New Favorite Song

Was turned onto this by the lovely Morven.
:)

This Little Ditty

Once in awhile you get pure gold delivered to your inbox. One in awhile everything starts to look up.
Once in awhile you find a website that is well wroth the 10 hours a day you spend surfing the net.
You can thank me with kisses and hugs:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Apparently October Doesn't Exist

I didn't make one post in October. I was busy.
Is that a good enough excuse?
Well, it is the truth. Busy with life.
Like that famous saying: Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
Well Life is what happens while I neglect my blog.
Not that it matters. Like my two followers really care. They are too busy off in their own worlds reading books and making plans to go to Vegas.

Here are ten things I have come to terms with lately:

1. Life isn't a fairytale.
2. Good things may come but it takes work and dedication to get them to arrive on your doorstep.
3. It is not acceptable to get a lizard tattoo
4. No matter how much time you spend away it is all the same when you return
5. Most people will forget you when you are gone, but the important ones won't
6. Real friends are there when you need them, not just when they need you
7. Sometimes Life sucks. BALLS
8. Being published is a pipe dream
9. Things will change. They always do.
10. I love to write. And I am not bad at it.

How To Look Like A Slut

Something I have always wanted to know. And now there is a video.
So at first I thought someone's brother posted this of his sister and that this was what she actually looked like. But I was wrong. This chick is my new hero, because I laughed so hard at this that I nearly pissed myself. (Literally, not the gay British term meaning to have someone on.)
Basically, she is now my new hero. Enjoy!!!

Well, what do you say?

I would like to apologize for my last blog. I realize that it is completely unlike me.

I am not the broody, moody chick depicted below. I am good times. I swear!

I am the girl who laughs at everything. The girl who makes fun of herself, oh and you, I make fun of you too!

I redesigned my book cover the other day for my novel Seeking Eleanor. And my friend Rebs wrote a blog about it, see it here: Rebs Rants That is what I have been up to. And I am writing this book about pirates that is both fun and awesome!

And now I leave you with this motivational poster:

Fall To Your Knees

Have you ever had one of those days that takes you out at the knees.
Leaves you crippled and broken.
Leaves you wondering what the hell you are doing.
It started last night. I tried to bring myself out of it, but the black cloud took over. Leaving my heart hurting.
The world is a big place and, to be honest, I am just a fleck on its surface. Insignificance is a hard thing to come to terms with. No matter what I do, I know I am doing it to the best capability I can. And yet, it still seems rather pointless. I am not delusional. When I die, I die. My name will not live on when my body ceases to be. Morbid and morose indeed.
Today I was taken by surprise. And not in a good way.
Have I been wasting my time? Have I been investing myself in the right people? Could I have been wrong?
Maybe I am naive. Maybe I don't get it. Maybe I am mistaken.
Everything has just been made worse. What was I thinking?
Do I mean to depress you? No.
Can people just listen? And why can't people fathom the idea that you just don't want to talk about it?
The trait of a good friend is that they can give you what you want when you ask for it. That they don't take it personally when you aren't your regular self. That they respect the fact that you have bad days. And that they don't make you feel worse for it.
Tell me what I am doing. Tell me how to make it better and I will do it. I promise I will.
Maybe I just need someone to set me straight.
Don't get me wrong, I know there is no point in dwelling on this. I know that there is no point being sucked into this black abyss and yet, today...it is hard to resist.

Happy Day? Yes

Tonight I went out for dinner and noticed this sign in the dry cleaners windows.
I have no idea what it means.
Do you?

I Am Stalking Selest

This morning I have confronted the fact that I am stalking Noelle Pierce.

She is on my MSN and Yahoo messenger. She is on my Facebook. She is on my Authonomy. She is now on my blog. I bump her threads. Send her dirty pics of myself.

I understand why I am doing it. After all she is one fine piece of ace. And she writes, rather well to be honest, please check her book out here:

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=9549

Would be driving down to her home and peeping through her windows be going too far?

Living A Second Life

I am living a second life.

What is with all this technology?

Today I did a wee count in my head and realized, I have too many pages dedicated to myself.

I have a Facebook, Twitter, three blogs, an Authonomy page (for my book, click here if you want to take a look: http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=10412), three email address, one through Yahoo where I have my Yahoo Answers profile and a messenger thing, MSN, Myspace, Diviant Art Page, Photobucket account, YouTube account...and I am positive I am missing one.

That said, why the fuck do I have all these?

I don't have THAT many friends, and I am not THAT interesting...and yet still, still I have them, and I frequent all of them...except MySpace, that is just floating out there on its own looking for someone to love it.

It is a sad state of affairs.

It's A Sad Day Today!

Today was going fine until I went to Leppy's blog and noticed her tags.
It is a sad day for me today. Not only have I been overtook by Nick for how many blogs are about me, but Krystal has also passed me. I see Leppy everyday. This is bullshit. It hurts.
Clearly I simply haven't been living up to my game. Although I perused a few of the blogs she has written and I feel I should be tagged and I am not.
In my mind I am still above Krystal and Nick.
At least I am not as low as Rebs-SNAP!
Sigh.
Here is the proof if you simply don't believe it:

Don't Touch That Button

Rebs has this button in her car. It is big, round and red.

The first time she ever gave me a ride I asked, "Is that the ejection button?"

Perhaps it wasn't a reasonable question, perhaps the look of utter horror she gave me was warranted, but you know what? It looks like an ejection button. It looks like a very important button that could explode the car, or send the passenger out through the roof. And it's not just my overactive imagination, no, take a look for yourself.

I stand by my statement, if you press this button the passenger and driver will be ejected from the car:

Viva Las Leppy

Leppy went to Vegas and left me at home.

I thought we did everything together, I guess I was wrong.

Things aren't the same without the Leps around. Things aren't as funny.

Today at lunch I made a perverted picture out of my meal...

I took a picture and sent it to her.

She replied that I will really like Vegas because there are so many soliders. I do like the dark meat.

Random Thought #3432

Leppy brought me a heating pad to work because my back is so effed up.

The heat helps.

Today I found myself wondering how much trouble I would get in if I accidentally left it on and went home. What would they do if it caught on fire and burned the building down?

Would I be fired? It wouldn't be intentional.

This is what I think about when I am at work.

Shits and Giggles

It seems these days I do everything with Leppy. We go to the doctors together, get in accidents together and take trips to Physio together.
The other day we went to a dollar store together. It was good times. I saw a ton of crap that I would never pay a dollar for, with one exception. The little titty jars I found.
I am at a loss as to what they were for. they were small, white with little lids that looks like nipples. There wasn't much you could put into them. Where would you keep them in your house? They seemed useless...
Maybe that was why they were at the dollar store in the first place. Maybe the manufacturers were like, "Why the fuck did we make these? These can't be used for shit." And so they shipped them off to dollar stores the world over.
They had no use. But I did take a semi-naughty photo with them:

see they really do look like tits.

Feck Off Technology

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier.
Today it is not making my life easier...it is making it harder, it is making me angry. And you don't want to see me when I am angry.
*gets real mad, changes into the Hulk and smashes the city apart.*
Not only is the site where I uploaded my book effed up but our Outlook at work is fecked up as well. I can't do my job it I can't send emails.
This should be priority number one!
Actually priority number one should be making me happy, and priority number two should be not inconviencing me with failing technology. Come on people!
This isn't the age of the Commodore 64! This is the age of wireless internet and youporn websites...
*pissed off*
I am strongly considering shit kicking my computer and tossing it out the window.

With A Rack Like That

I love Leppy.
She entertains me. She chauffers me around. She takes care of me.
Like for example she brought me a heating pad to heat my back today.
But the best part of Leps is that she always likes to give compliments.
Like this morning for example. I was showing her my new jeans and was complaining and saying, "I don't know, they sort of look funny in the crotch region."

And Leppy replies, "Who's looking at your crotch when you have a rack like that!"

Je absolutly aime Leppy!

For A Laugh

I'm here all week, be sure to tip your waitress...ecspecially if it's Leppy!!! If it's Leppy you best be giving her mad coin.

When...

When every thing is not right, I fight
Pray for sight & work to abolish my plight.

When everything is clean, I'm mean
And am the queen, of causing a scene

When things are okay, I stay
But stay away, tomorrow and today

When I feel small, like a porcelain doll
Into a ball I crawl, and wish I could bawl

When I am afraid, that everything will concave
I try to be brave, but long to be saved.

When I am mad, and think of what I had
I feel bad, about feeling so sad

When life is my friend, I think it'll be okay in the end
That things will mend, our rules we'll bend

When things feel nice, I try to entice
And make it percise, with a roll of the dice.

When day turns to night, I have the foresight
To give up the fight, and turn off the light.

Love?

Love is not without fault.
It changes over time. Sometimes it fades, sometimes it grows and sometimes it is extinguished, like a flame being blown out on a candle.
People are looking for their one true love. The one true thing that simply doesn't exist. The one true thing that is pure fantasy fiction.
But alas eventually love turns into something else...sometimes admiration, sometimes simply lust, sometimes annoyance and even hate.
Does loving someone forever and ever really exist?
Through thick and thin?
*shakes head gloomily* I don't know.
There are things I simply wouldn't stand for, no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much they were suited to me. Like cheating on me, or hitting me, or murdering a small kitten just for the hell of it.
Love is not what is depicted in novels or films or songs.
Love is flawed. Love is beautiful. Love is resentful and bitter. Love is annoying.
Love is waking up next to someone for twenty years and still wanting to wake up next to that person.

Love is poison.

This is what reading love letters does to me or listening to Nick Cave's Love Letter song.

Have you met my friend Denis?

I love Denis Leary!
If you don't you're just a joker who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Can't embedd this shit so you have to go to the site...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adjqyTD6GM0

I am an asshole.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

And why the fuck aren't I snoring?

I hate four-thirty in the morning, getting up at that time that is...although it's been a long time since I have stayed up till four-thirty. There was this random stint back in in December of 08 when I first got Xbox live that I would stay up till two or three in the morning playing it. Those were the good old days....but of course only on weekends because this bitch has gotta work.

The day of me staying up late are long gone. What does that say? It means I'm getting old. It's almost as though I count down the hours until when I am able to sleep. I look at the clock, and think, "I will be sleeping in less than *insert number here* hours." Baring any unforseen instances.

I am glad to see it is raining. I missed the rain. It's reassuring. I find it comforting. Right now it's hitting the window pane and taunting me that I have to go out in it....

This old lady needs to get published so she doesn't have to work.

Don't Mess With PorkChop!

I have only been in two accidents in my whole life. Both of them with Leppy and both of them in Porkchop. This morning we were rear ended something fierce, (not in the sick way), and this is what happened.
My first instinct was to ensure the Leps was okay, i turned to her and asked, "Are you okay?" about three times before she answered. Then I looked in the rear view and saw the front end of the smashed up vehicle that was behind us.... upon seeing the damage I promptly called 911.
Then we exited the car. Not yet six in the morning the gentleman who was in the now demolished Sunfire was swearing, shaking his head and beating up his car. Oh you heard me right, he was kicking and hitting his car. What an odd reaction! He did not ask us if we were okay (two such fine ass ladies as ourselves, i am shocked), nor did he venture forth to see the damage he did. What he did do? Well he had a smoke, a nice delicious cancer stick, whilst cursing under his breath. Not only that but he was wearing a delightful hoody that had FLAMES on the sleeves.

If you know me, you know that I have this way of coping with messed up situations. I make jokes. Usually inappropriate jokes that are completely ridiculous. Like when the firemen showed up I said, "Finally what we were waiting for". When the girl fire woman was standing off the side I said, "Guess which one does not belong", when the cars were driving by staring at us I said, "Get down on the ground and I'll sob over you.' Delightful comments that were only appreciated by Leppy.

But the best parts were: the driver of the other car didn't have his driver license with him, the tow truck driver said he was hiding from us because we cause accidents, and after we talked to the cutest policeman in the world J A Jenkins (what does the J A stand for? Just adorable?) Christene says to him, "Thanks for coming out and seeing us."
Yes she did.
Then we went to the doctors, got some pills, made a claim, had some hash browns and booked us some physio. Porkchop is a beast though, there was damage but she refused to be beaten...and she took a piece of the other cars headlight as a souvenir.
What a day, and it's only eleven.


The headlight piece still in PorkChop.

Depressing Songs Make The World Go Round

I love sad music. It makes me happy.
The more depressing the better.
Now the for the shit show...I typed in saddest songs into Google, and it spat out a Rascal Flatts song. How can a song be sad when a bunch of douchebags are singing it?
I wanted to claw my eardrums out then eat them. I hate these little preppy looking pricks.
The saddest music comes from some great artists...for example.
Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Mark Lanegan, Leonard Cohen and Elliot Smith. What do these men have in common?
They are fantastic lyricists. They can paint a picture and make you wish you were dead.
One of the saddest songs ever written? That would be Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings Poncho And Lefty.
Runners up?
Straight Time-Bruce Springsteen
Love Letter - Nick Cave
Hold On- Tom Waits
A Fond Farewell - Elliot Smith
I love the smell of misery in the morning.

Varsity Dessert

I was watching Varsity Blues the other day, because it was three dollars and I wanted to take a trip down Nostalgia Lane. And it is funny. And moderately entertaining.
Fuck Off I don't have to explain myself to you.
Anyways there is that part where a young Ali Larter puts on a whipped cream bikini and comes wandering out into the living room to surprise The Dawson.
I have a problem with this. First and foremost, this movie took place in a hot place...let's say Texas, they had accents so it had to be around there. That means the whipped cream wouldn't have faired well.
Second it would have been a sticky mess and would have dripped all over the place, whipped cream is not thick enough to do this with. Cool Whip would have worked better.
Third, what kind of bitch has the confidence to do this? Not me, that's for sure. I would've felt like a foooooool.
Last she put cherries on the nipples....yeah right those would have stayed put. NO WAY.
I call a bluff on this scene.

Funny

Some days are better than others.
In general at least one funny thing happens a day.
For example, yesterday Leppy and I amused ourselves with talking about the beginning of No More Games and how Donnie doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.
And today?
Well today I was in the service centre at work and noticed that someone had printed off the lyrics to Alanis Morisette's song You Outta Know. So I promptly took these lyrics to the only person I knew would think this was as funny as I. Christene Brown.
We then proceeded to sing the song. Such assholes.
Then our conversation further developed into what it would be like if Axl Rose sang this song, then a co-worker caught me doing my impression of this whilst in the Cafeteria.
All in all a fairly good day so far.
Also Christene was drining a soft drink this morning at 5.30AM.
Impressed? I am!

Welcome To High School

Not only is it grunge day but there was a random fire drill. Throws me back to 1999.
The best part is standing out on the lawn with my co-workers making fun of the people around me and silently hoping that they tell us we can go home.
I know I'm in the working world, an active part of societ, but I still hope, wish and pray that I get sent home early.
Like when it snows, I hope my work is closed, but it never is.
*Sigh*
I am currently wondering if our fire alarms here are filled with that ink that gets all over your hand. Surely not, we are adults after all. Still I am contemplating pulling it, i could just say my pen exploded in my hand.
I will wipe it on my jeans and be that much more grunge.
Side note: remember when it was cool to write on your clothes?
I do.

Once Upon A Time

I used to sleep in late but then I became an adult and got a job. For those who don't know I get up at four thirty in the morning to drag my sorry ass to work and for what? A stinking paycheck and a role in society. No thanks. I would rather pay for things with promises and handshakes anyways. Who needs roof over their head?
Today is Friday and I am beaten down like a ten dollar hooker. Or I am beaten down like Jon & Kate's marriage. Or I'm beaten down like Britany Spears reputation. Or I am beaten down like Lindsey Lohan's acting career. (that actually made me laugh out loud, I'm a riot.)
Unlike other normal twenty-something year olds I am sitting at home, eating cookies and writing fiction. Why you ask? Because through the characters in my books I live my life and because I'm too stinkin' fat and lazy to peel myself off the couch.
Every morning I wake up to Kid Cudi's Day and Night playing on my phone and my first thought, without fail, is 'I'm going to have a nap when I get home.'
Do I ever nap? No. Why? Because I have no follow through.
That said when we went to the mall at lunch today there was this kid who was running around on the second floor. He couldn't have been no more than four years old. He got on the elevator, got off, then started to come down the escalator. Well I grabbed his grubby little hand and I asked "Where is your mother?"
After a few minutes he points out this lady who is power walking through the mall like she has a rocket up her ass. She doesn't appear to be looking for any kid. She looks like she has every intention of leaving the mall. The little boy runs up to her and low and behold it IS his mom. Then she starts walking and I say, "excuse me" like a hundred times and she won't answer me. Then I yell, "Your kid was on the elevator, upstairs!" And she turns around and says, "Oh."
And then I shake my head at her, give her that sneer that says 'you are unfit to be a mother' and we walk off. She yells a half hearted 'thanks' at us but the damage was done. I should have stole her kid to prove a point. If I were her and my kid went missing I would be FREAKING out, she looked like she was heading over to Purdy's for some chocolate delights. Seriously. Some people should not have kids.

Like A Fine Wine

Like a fine wine Johnny Depp continues to get better with age. Not that he wasn't delectable when he was a young buck, like in Cry Baby and 21 Jumpstreet, it's just now he is more rugged, less pretty, more manly. Unlike many of the other Hollywood heartthrobs, Mother Nature is doing him well.
Let's not talk about it, let's just look:

Joe Rogan Has My Vote

Here's the thing about Joe Rogan. Even though he hosted Fear Factor for like six years you still have to love him. He is an announcer with the UFC, is a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and his stand up comedy is the shit. No seriously. It is.

Most people know that there are a few people in this world that I could throw axes at and simply not care if they died. Paris Hilton, Anne Coulter, Holocaust deniers, and above everyone else, Dr. Phil. He says stupid things, looks stupid and is not someone I think people should be taking advice from.

So when Joe Rogan did a bit about Dr. Phil I wet my pants from the hilarity of it all. See the world isn't such a bad place because things like this exist in it.

Back To Basics

Yesterday in a fit of nostalgia I opted to download some albums that I haven't listened to in years, YEARS I TELL YOU!
If you didn't know, music is my life. Well was my life for a long long time. After I got let go from A&B Sound I was all bitter and serisouly didn't go out of my way to listen, learn or appreciate music. Lately though, the love has been rekindled.
In the last year I've done a mass overhaul and listened to some of the most amazing, odd, crazy and mind blowing stuff ever. I have become obsessed with Andrew Bird and Antony & The Johnsons, absolutly adore Griffin House, Patrick Park, and Dustin Kensrue and have found myself listening to Elliot Smith a lot. I reloaded all the Shins, Iron & Wine and Flaming Lips onto my MP3 player and have been enjoying music that is new, fun and worthwhile.
Yesterday I decided to get back to basics, back to my basics. I've been having this itching need to listen to the good stuff, the punk stuff, the stuff that wet dreams are made of. I realize what I've been doing wrong for the last three years. Not listening to enough of these bands.
The Clash
The Descendents
The Ramones
Television
MC5
Undertones
Buzzcocks
Velvet Underground
Blondie
Dead Boys
New York Dolls
Talking Heads
Sex Pistols

Things I Am Sick Of Hearing About...

Well since it is monday morning let me treat you...
In no particular order, things I am sick of hearing about.

~The Swine Flu-see I told you the epidemic wasn't coming
~Jon & Kate and their eight kids. Seriously does it really affect you if they get a divorce...REALLY? Well it shouldn't.
~The chick who got the 56 stars tattooed on her face. You wanted a tattoo, you got one, stop bitching about it. Maybe you shouldn't have taken a fucking nap.
~Perez Hilton, your stupid, your face is stupid and the things you post are stupid. It's sad that you are considered a celebrity when there is nothing to celebrate when it comes to you.
~Lady GaGa...more like Lady GaGaGagMe. I don't know what it is, she just annoys the piss out of me.
~The Jonas Brothers-I don't know who they are, where they came from, or why they are so famous, but they are taking up quality breathing air and should be stopped.
~How Barrack Obama swatted at a fly-did anyone stop to think that it could have just been a reflex?
~How Megan Fox wasn't the number one hottest in Maxim this year. I think she will live people, I don't think she's crying about it anymore, so why the hell are you?
~Rhianna-she gets hit, she gets little gun tattoos, she goes back to her abusive boyfriend, she makes bad music...just shut-up already. I hate her because she has a-symmetrical hair.
~The Octo-mom-shut up already! Some not attractive lady has a ton a kids and people flip out about it. Who cares?
~All things Twilight which includes Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson and how you almost got hit by a cab, the books, the ending of the books and how great everyone thinks it is.
~Destination weddings. Why is everyone concerned about going somewhere to get married? I don't care what hot semi-exotic play you got married in! Unless it was Ireland!
~The Canucks-It's the off season people why the EFF are you still talking about them?

Why My Life Is Better Than Yours...

Delirious Thursdays

By the time Thursday afternoon waltzes around I am pretty much delirious with tiredness and am ready to sleep sleep sleep. Everything is funnier on Thursdays. Like threatening letters, spazzy people who hang out the side of their vehicles and the fact that Nicole's daughter says "Mommy!" every time she sees the red beast in Where The Wild Things Are.

Today I laughed so hard I cried. Thursdays are also the day where I can fly off the handle and without warning go from Jovial to enraged. Just a warning.
Today I also said, "If I had a magic wand I'd shut the bitch up."
I think this will go down as one of the best things I've ever said.
Oh and when the guy was hanging out his truck, fingering another car and yelling I said, "The only way that it would be funnier is if he fell out of his truck." And it was true.
We listened to Dr. Dre's Forget About Dre, we kicked it old school.

What's better than On A Boat?

On A Boat...Acapella!

Watch "Im On A Boat" A Capella on CollegeHumor

Fuck You Today

Don't you hate it when you're doing fine, the day's not complete shit and then BAM! Someone throws it all off.
That happened to me today. And I say fuck you.

Watch This Video or Die

I Laughed so hard at work that I am pretty sure people thought I was on drugs.

Just watch it and you will understnad.

Happiness In Small Doses

Jamie bought Maxim this weekend and we were laying in bed perusing the top 100 Sexiest women alive. And as we drew closer to number one I started to panic because Kristen Stewart hadn't been featured yet. I thought with Twilight being so massive (amongst teenage girls I suppose) and her being in the limelight galore that she would be at least in the seventies, but she wasn't.

I got this nauseating feeling that she was going to be number one. It isn't that I hate her. I just think she needs to stop biting her lip. And I don't find her sexy. Probably because she wore a bathing suit with a pot leaves on it.

Suddenly we have perused all the scantily clad women except for number one. And I said "If Kristen Stewart is number one I will have lost all my faith in humanity." Which might have been going a bit dramatic.

But, something beautiful happened. A light from the heavens was shone down upon me when we turned the page. The number one sexiest woman was Olivia Wilde and the world seemed like an okay place to live in again.

If only they would stop Kristen Stewart from acting in movies...

Can you hate this song?

I Don't Think So.
"I'm Yours" Official Video

My New Favorite Commercial

Make Your Day That Much Better

This website will change your life.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

This Morning

A typical morning in the life of Leppy & Beers.
So we are driving to work and Leps says she wants to listen to Crank That by Soulja Boy. So I flip through the songs on my MP3 player and bring up the song that has been requested. It's starts out and I look up and am like "Whoa." And Leppy is all Cranking that soulja boy, bustin a move and singing the song. And I say "Whoa Whoa"
again because the light we are speeding towards is still red.
Christene doesn't seem to understand why I'm saying WHOA. I guess she thinks it's the way I sing, or that I am practicing my Joey Lawerance impression. Anyways she finally realizes why I am saying WHOA. But it's too late we are already in the intersectin and it's wet and she slams on the brakes and we skid. And then she's like "Fuck it might as well go all the way" and she speeds off.
Just goes to show Cranking that soulja boy is not a good idea at 5:30 AM, monday morning when it's raining.

Dennis Leary Kicks Your Ass

Who doesn't love Dennis Leary?

Falling Apart

I have this sneaking suspicion that I am falling apart.

It could be aging. It could be something more. Perhaps I am dying. Maybe this will be my last blog. Maybe this is a little morbid.

My knee makes this really disgusting grinding noise. My skin has went from perfect to Seal-like, just to clarify that's not Seal the cute seafaring creature, it's Seal the singer. I have dark circles under my eyes. My eyesight is rapidly failing me. My hands ache (I blame the excessive typing I do). And I think my hair is thinning. Also i have this rather annoying wrinkle between my eyebrows because I scowl all the time.

I wasn't really a super attractive person to start with, but with all of these ailments? I don't have a chance. Maybe I have a sickness that is causing all these things. I should go on House and they can diagnose me, then they can treat me. And everything will go back to good.

Here is the real kicker, I am finally treating myself right. I exercise an hour a day, cut out snack food and candy, have been eating healthier, shower daily and have even been taking a multi vitamin and folic acid. So why the sudden downfall?

Oh yeah did I mention that I don't smoke or drink? I should be a thin gorgeous woman damn it!

I Have Decided

I don't really like people.
And that people don't really like me.
I don't have patience for your bad mood, complaints, irritations, annoyances or even happiness.
Just as you don't have patience for my sarcastic comments, wry wit or brutal truths.
If I request that you just leave me alone, on my own, will you comply?
Please just leave me allow to wallow. Wallowing is something I do well.
You will have to pardon me if I don't ask you what's wrong because to be honest, and honesty is always the best way to be, I don't really care.
It's true. I don't really care.
It feels good to say, so once more I will.
I DON'T REALLY CARE!
I don't care that you didn't sleep well, that you're hungry or that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Feel free to stand near me and spout off about the injustices of the world, or at least the injustices of the life you are leading but be prepared for me to become more and more irate the longer you stand and rant. It might be best if you direct your bitching elsewhere. Like towards the pleasant woman in the corner who is always willing to "listen".
I don't listen. While you talk to me I am thinking about other things. More important things.
Is it sad that my other more important things are usually something to do with characters I have created and who don't really exist?
The point is this. The next time you opt to chew my ear off about how the Biggest Loser made you cry, the fact that you spilled on your new shirt or that you have the lingering taste of your lunch in your mouth, you might find my fist hurtling towards your face in the effort to make you stop talking.
Harsh? Perhaps.
Necessary? Indeed!

Stand By Me

Exercising sucks but it's not as bad when you have the cast of Stand By Me to keep you company. While peddling away I decided to watch the movie. I hadn't seen it in a long time, at least five years. The last time I watched it I was with Lisa and we were eating bad food and having a gay old time. Anyways, I bought the DVD at Wal-Mart for 7 dollars and what a freakin' steal of a deal. It's one of those movies where I say, "Hey this is a good movie" but then after I watch it I'm like, THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!

It's a number of things. It's Corey Feldman and River Phoenix. It's Kiefer Sutherland playing Ace. It's fat little Jerry O'Connell. It's the amazing soundtrack. It's the line "Alright alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck and Pluto's a dog, What's Goofy?". It's the couple seconds of John Cusack you get, the young John, the sweet faced John. It's the greatness that is the cars and clothes and hair.

If you haven't seen it, you must. And if you have, then you know just what I am speaking of.

A Little Treat?

Yesterday I got a multimedia text message from a number I didn't know. It was a 780 number. I accepted it because...well because why not? And low and behold I get this picture of a girl (whom I don't know) and that Little Wayne song was playing, that Me & My Drink song. Anyways I thought I would post the picture of the girl here so that you could see it too:

Sometimes You Just Need To Acoustasize A Rap Song And Everything Is Okay.

I don't know about you, but I'm impressed.

El Walko Of Shameo

Scrappy Puss got a call this morning at like nine and he says it's his friend "Bolton". I say why is he calling this early and Scraps shrugs and is like "I don't know". Later on it is confirmed that the reason Bolton called is because he was doing the walk of shame from a girls house.

For those of you that don't know what the walk of shame is, it's when you have sex with a guy (because it usually is only applied to girls) and you have to walk out of their house the next morning. Sometimes their friends are there, sometimes there is cat calls, other times it just involves you stepping out into the bright sunlight and thinking "I have no idea where the fuck I am". You have to put on the clothes you were wearing the previous night, not wash your face, not brush your teeth and try to find a way home.
Here is some points I would like to make on the subject.
1. Can you really apply the term Walk Of Shame to a guy leaving a girls house? Is it really considered a walk of shame at all? Is it only a walk of shame if you DIDN'T get sex?
2. What type of guy did you have sex with with that makes you go out into the world and try to find your own way home?
3. Why would you not be walking proud? You just got laid!

I understand that this term is applied to girls because girls are always looking for a relationship and when they are leaving the house in the morning they are secretly thinking "will he ever call me again" and as they slink away they wonder "is he calling his friend right this minute?"

Here is the deal. Assume is isn't going to call you. Take the night for what it was, hold your head up high and strut your stuff outta there like you were the best piece of Ace he's ever had. Also he most likely called his friend the night before when he said he was going to grab some water from the kitchen, so they already know, and they have seen your profile on the Internet or pictures of you on Facebook already too so by the time you leave their house you've been ranked.
And last but certainly not least it's only the walk of shame if you feel shameful. If you don't it's the walk of life, and you should walk it proud.

My Emo Child

He storms from the room when he doesn't like what I tell him. Listens to his music way too loud. Brushes his bangs in his eyes. Slams doors. And hates his little brother.

Equal Rights For All

I get extremely agitated when people disagree with my views.

Errr...that doesn't make me sounded open minded.

Let me correct myself.

I get extremely agitated when people disagree with my views on equal rights.

Much better. Well, maybe not...but let me continue...

I feel if you are born into this world, via vagina or c-section, then you should be given the same rights as everyone else. If a man wants to marry another man and that man wants to marry him in return - Excellent! They should be able to make this mistake like all the rest of us heterosexual peoples.

Besides, it isn't hurting anyone. It's not infringing on anyone else's rights. And, to be frank, it really isn't any of our business. Saying it is unholy and going against God's plan is what I call utter tripe. Like any of us insignificant human beings have an iota of what God's plan is. It's narrow minded people spouting off bible jargon because they can't come up with their own reasons.

And, to make it clear, Jesus was all about the love. For everyone. You can't go picking and choosing who you are going to love and not judge.

Just be prepared to back your mouth up with some actual facts and not just watered down versus of the bible. If you say it emotionally hurts people, I say you need to grow up. It doesn't emotionally hurt anyone. But you know what does? Badgering, bullying and brutalizing people and forcing them to hide who they are from the people they love. Well, that's pretty damaging, don't you think?

Saying it isn't right is the same excuse racists use when they say blacks shouldn't marry whites. And it's wrong. Homosexuals are humans and as humans they are entitled one thing - equal rights. That means, a good job, a decent home, the right to vote, to have kids and to marry the person they are in love with.

Here is the thing, some of my gay friends have better relationships than half the straight people I know. And the only thing that should come into play when deciding whether someone should and shouldn't be married is love. Can gay people love? YES! Than let them wed!

I hate it when people go on and on about the sanctity of marriage.

Is it more sacred for two drunk people in Vegas to get married? Is it more sacred for parents to organize a marriage for two teenagers? Is it more sacred for to people who don't get long, fight constantly to get married, only to get divorced six months down the road? I didn't think so.

My advice, just let people be. And get over yourselves because, drum roll please, it isn't about you!

Snow Cake

So I put the movie Snow Cake on my ziplist.
And Jay asked what movie I got. So I told him.
Then he says, "Oh yeah I remember we were thinking about going to see that."
"No we didn't" I tell him with an unimpressed sneer.
"Yeah when it was in the theatre!" He insists.
"Um that wasn't me."
"Yes it was," he argues.
And then I tell him, "It came out before we dated."

That shut him up.

Asshole.

You Know What I'm Sick Of?

Twilight.

Enough is enough.

And somehow I know it's only just begun. Dang it.

You Know What's Nice?

The fact that it is getting light in the mornings.
The sun is coming up earlier and earlier and that's nice.
Before when it was pitch black I used to pretend that Christene and I were coming to work directly from the bar. It just made me feel a little more badass.
Now I just think...five thirty in the morning isn't THAT early, see the sun is out.
Birds are chirping, the sky is lightening and Pork Chop comes bumpin' down the road with T.I playing and my neighbors get pissed off.
If it's one thing that people get upset about it's when their sleep is compromised, and when the good guy doesn't get the girl.

Yesterday Christene called to say she was out front ready to pick me up and I was like "Yeah I'm coming out" but then I just sat back down on the couch. I was like what the hell are you doing?
I'm such an asshole.

I am a believer that my brain doesn't work until nine. Which means I'm at work for three hours before it kicks in. Is that scary?
It would be if I were a neurosurgeon, but I'm not. So I think it's okay.

And now a picture of Sean Connery, because he is a dapper dan:

Sent Here To Destroy Us

Over the weekend I watched 17 Again.

Has anyone noticed how pretty Zac Efron is?

I think he is a cyborg send from another planet to destroy us all. That's how pretty he is.

I like crappy movies and will pretty much watch anything, but I was laughing the whole way through this. I couldn't get past the fact that Zac Efron was acting like a dad.

The movie is worth watching for his Bullying speech and his Abstinance speech.

Oh, and for his washboard abs....

Is a twenty year old supposed to look that good?
I'll admit it's a little embarassing to say, but he is cute.

Crap I feel like a thirteen year old girl again.

And I'm soooo not thirteen. Old dirty woman, indeed.