Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Could It Be True?

After visiting the bank for the millionth time in the last two weeks (No that isn't an exaggeration or hyperbole. It actually was a million times.) I went to get some dinner.

The place I went to is this cute place where you pick out your veggies and sauce, then they grill it on this hot stone thing. I'm undecided on whether I love this place or hate it.

I love it because it is great food and a quirky atmosphere. Usually it's pretty mellow in there and it's a relaxing place to me. They also give you these weird rice wrap things that look like napkins and they make me laugh.

I hate it because I'm doing part of their job for them by picking out my veggies and sauce for myself. Oh yeah, and they make you guess the price price of your food based on weight. If you guess right, you get your meal for free. I don't like this. I feel like I am being put on the spot and get really uncomfortable. Like they are going to stun gun me if I guess wrong.

Anyways, after the meal they give you hot towels and a fortune cookie. I've always been skeptical when it comes to fortune tellers, tarot readers and palm people. But for some reason, I love fortune cookies. There's something about them. Maybe it's because they are just fun. A moment of fun wrapped in a cookie.

A lot has been going on in my life. A lot of freakin' change, including a very big pending purchase and a drastic upheaval of all things Tyson. I'm not complaining. This is how life rolls. One day everything is one way and the next, just like magic, it's different.

Back to the fortune cookie. Today, my fortune cookie made me laugh at the irony of the whole thing. Here it is:

I tell you, I can't even write crap this brilliant.


Monday, June 27, 2011

An & A

Like my advice/advise pet peeve, an & a bother me to bits. Most people seem to be unaware of the rule.

The rule being: Put 'a' before words that start with consonants and 'an' before words that start with vowels.

I'm unsure why people aren't able to follow this. But it irks me. It irks me to no end!

The thing is, it's a bit more complicated than that. It's not just words that start with a vowel, but ones that SOUND like they start with a vowel.


Don't be.

Here's my example:

It took me a hour to drive home.

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (That's a buzzer sound)

This is wrong.

Hour sounds like 'our' and thus needs 'an'. Not 'a'.

Another example:

Draw me a one dimensional sketch.

One sounds like 'won' and thus needs 'a' not 'an'.

Are you getting my drift?

The best thing to do is sound it out. Does it sound odd? Try it with the reverse and see if it sounds better. If you can't tell which one sounds better, I can't help you.

And no, I am not pedantic. You should see my friend Noelle. :-/

Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Laugh

Today I went to the grocery store. While admiring how colourful my groceries were a woman managed to sneak up behind me.

"Oh," she said. "That cucumber is huge."

I glanced back at her, took a moment to note the gray hair and glasses, and said, "I know. I've never had one so big. I don't think I'll be able to handle it."

She smiled, ever-so-pleasantly, and replied, "Of course you will, dear. It's going to make a lovely salad."

I smirked, as that's what I usually do when talking about long vegetables. And, against my better judgement, said, "Oh, I imagine. But I won't be eating it."

The woman looked confused, to say the least. All it took was a wink from me to clear things up. She then switched lanes.

I needed a laugh. I'm glad I could delived.

And if you were wondering, it was a long English cuke. ;)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


There's an old saying (not too sure how old) that goes, "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

Genius words.

They are simple. To the point. And utter truth. This logic can be placed upon everything in life. Say you have a problem, and you are trying to solve it, and things are getting in the way of that. Maybe it's time to prioritize and axe the things making the problem worse.

I've had a lot on my mind. And I'm not even going to get into the complex web of my internal thoughts. Personally, I don't have enough time or patience to try and explain it all. And you really don't have the time and patience to read about it.

If I wanted to write it and you wanted to read it then I would produce the best memoir in the world. Equipped with glossy photos of an awkward thirteen year old kid with ratty hair, purple jeans and a gap between her teeth who just wants to make someone laugh. I'd put money on it that it'd get picked up. The secrets I could tell!

Anyways, that all is off subject. What is on topic is this - I'm taking a bit of a break.

This doesn't mean I don't love you. This doesn't mean I am gone. And it certainly doesn't mean I won't be back. It doesn't mean you said something wrong. It doesn't mean I'm crying into my pillow. It doesn't mean that my heart's been broken.

It means I am taking a break from the information super highway.

Someone mentioned that it feels as though I am abandoning my friends. This isn't the case, and certainly not my intention. If you feel I have abandoned you, I encourage you to contact me and let me pet your hair back away from your brow as I reassure you that you are still the apple of my eye. I shall kiss your forehead and tuck you in each night. I will dedicate songs to you and hand make you cards declaring my love.

If you don't know my email, ask someone who does. They may screen you first, frisk you for weapons and ask for your mother's maiden name, but it's all out of love. Just spread your legs and cough. All will be fine.

To be clear, this has nothing to do with a certain annoying rodent. A few people have expressed in emails that they think she drove me off site. To which I laugh and ask, what sort of car was she driving as she did this? I imagine it to be a golf cart with a pine tree air freshener. I bet she keeps her hands firmly planted at ten and two.

My opinion is that she is nothing but a pimple on the arse of the world. Like pimples in real life, it is best not to pick at it or try to pop it. It goes away quicker if you leave it on its own. Sure, it looks really ugly, full of puss and red, but once it is gone it doesn't leave a scar behind. In the end, it's her book not being finished. And Absolution passing her in the ranks. In the end, she's only hurting herself.

In other words, I'm unaffected. I hate to even address it. But the rumour mill is rife with wacky assumptions that completely go against everything I think and feel. Sometimes you need to set the record straight.

What was I saying...

Oh yeah...You see, it takes a lot of energy to be this witty, ravishing, excessively funny creature you've grown to know and love. And I don't have the energy to keep it up. Not right now.

When I get my second wind I will be back.

That is a promise.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Still Of The Night

I love the night. Everything seems calmer. Quiet. Gentler.

I don't remember a time when I was afraid of the dark.

Not as a child. Not when I lived on my own. Not ever.

It's almost as though expectations cease to exist when the witching hour passes. I have no goals. No dreams and aspirations. For a few hours, when the moon hangs suspended in the sky and the stars map the heavens, I simply am.

There is no why or how or when or who. I don't need to explain who I am or defend myself to others. I don't have to make myself presentable. I don't have to force a smile. I don't have to hide my tears. All I have to do is breathe.

The past falls away. The future isn't a worry. It's all present. The here. The now.

The peak hours of the night are always the best, when it feels like you are the only soul awake. All the windows of every house are without light. No one is shouting. No one is crying. No one is complaining. Children are tucked away safely in bed. No cars on the streets.

In those hours of nothingness, I feel the most fulfilled. My heart is lighter. My back doesn't hurt. My brain stops racing to find answers to questions I don't want to ask.

In these hours I imagine this is what it would be like after the Apocalypse. Just nothing. And the thought isn't frightening because nothing is scary in these moments. There are no fears or troubles or threats. There are no monsters or demons. For humankind is sleeping. And I am alone.

As the comforting hush settles on the city, I am no longer disappointed. I am no longer broody or moody. I am no longer annoyed at the things I cannot change. Or saddened by the things I could have changed but failed to.

For these moments, the world stands still. Just for me.

And I stand still for the world.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Thursday, June 2, 2011

An Open Letter To Life

Dear Life,

I know you like to test me. You've been doing it for some time now.

Through my childhood you tested me with feelings of being alone and invisible. I came through though. I learned to love the company of myself. Rather ironically, I now prefer to be on my own, free from the constraints of difficult relationships and obligations to be a caring, gentle soul.

In those later years you tested me by showing me how things don't work out at times. That sometimes people disappoint you. And that no matter what, I couldn't protect everyone. I couldn't help everyone. Though it was a hard lesson to learn, I realized I'm not in control of what everyone else did. Only myself. I was better for that lesson. And I might even thank you for it.

Through my preteens you tested me with being awkward and weird. In return, I embraced it. In the end, I learned to use it to my advantage. And now it kind of comes off as endearing and quirky. Sure, I might be that weird girl who does those odd things. I'm happy being that girl. This beat I drum, it's my own and I find it easy to step to.

Through my adolescents, you tested me with extra weight and a homely face. But I learned being ugly wasn't so bad, not if you had brains and a sense of humour. To this day, I rely on the brains and the sense of humour. Being unattractive gave me the ability to develop a personality, one I wouldn't change for the world. Not even to be the most beautiful girl in school.

In my early twenties you walloped me over the head by testing me with heartbreak and love. At the time I didn't think I'd pass this test. I didn't think I had it in me. Fortunately, I found the strength to do the right thing. The thing I needed to do. When I didn't think I'd go on, I did.

I sort of thought we were past the testing, but it seems as though we are in the middle of some more.

This has to be a test, right?

I'm thinking you must be setting me up to learn something. I have the same miserable, sinking, claustrophobic, breaking feeling I had before, during all those other tests. The problem is I don't know what it is I am supposed to be learning, or what it is I am supposed to do to pass this test.

For the most part, as I have learned through experience, your tests have a certain 'grin and bear it' quality. Is that all I am supposed to do? I've been trying to keep my chin up. I know I fail at times. I know I stubbornly kick at the rocks and hang my head. But I'm sticking to it, you see.

If you could give me a hint as to what I need to do to get over this hard time, I'd really appreciate it. That might be asking too much. I know you aren't known for giving hints, Life, but if you could, just this once. It's getting hard, and I don't want to burden anyone with the contents of my heart or head.

Or maybe that's it? Am I supposed to open up? Is that my test?

If it isn't asking too much, could you let me know if there is light on the horizon? And, if you have the time, can you deliver a pinch of good news? A nice email? A hug? A kiss? A gift? Could you just give me something to let me know it's not all bad? That it won't all be bleak forever? That it will get easier? That things will work out?

To be honest, I wanted to let you know I've been tested enough. Except, that's not fair. I'm young. And spoiled. And plenty of people have it worse than me. I know this. I do.

So, maybe I am writing just to say, let up a bit? Give me a reprieve for a week. I'll make it up to you. I won't squander it. Silence the beasts, calm the raging rivers, and clear the skies. For me.

I appreciate the time you took to read this, Life. And I hope you consider helping me.